Brady’s Blog

no writing tonight..

open mic standup tomorrow night in tulsa..

i have to go to the doctor over there anyway so i’m just killing birds..

two of them..

with one stone..

pretty amazing really..

laughs follow me all day long..

obviously..

but sometimes i get to laugh too..

here’s a conversation that cracked me up big time today..

there were some brownies in the break room..

they were probably prepared by a patient, but we don’t know..

———————————————————————–

me: (cutting out a huge chunk of brownie): “oh man.. these look good– wait.. never mind.. all yours..”

ken: “what? what is it?”

me: “you don’t see that? there.. right there..”

ken: “oh.. oh well.. i’m eatin’ it..”

amanda: “what?”

me: “a hair.. a very thin, gray hair.. which means it’s either dog hair or old lady hair..”

amanda: “wait.. why did you say old lady hair.. why not old man hair?”

me: “because old men don’t make brownies..”

ken: “except in their shorts..”

laughter..

laughter..

laughter..

today’s title has nothing to with anything..

i was going to just use “fridge”..

but then i realized “fridge smidge” sounds awesome even if it doesn’t really mean anything..

anyway..

on to the funny..

oh and please don’t tell twitter or facebook about this because those folks won’t see this until tomorrow sometime.. (unless, of course, you’re reading this in the future..)

you get it first because you are reading my blog..

and that takes a certain level of dedication and lack of judgement that i believe deserves a little something extra..

so here we go..

first, the picture..

that’s a magnet on our fridge..

obviously we know who put that up..

someone who is married to me..

i’m sure it’s just her way of daily telling herself “sure.. you could have had a GE fridge.. but the maytag is just fine..”

she also has a bumper sticker that says “he’s not much of a husband, but he’s paid for..”

i will not be writing tonight..

all my time has been taken up jacking with the home network..

i’m not even going to take the time to tell you how i turned two of the oldest wireless routers you’ve ever seen into a wireless bridge to connect the dish receiver to the internet..

it’s an amazing tale of persistance, determination, and heroism..

but you’re not going to hear about it because it took too much time to do it..

oh..

also..

i don’t think it’s working now..

so that was fun..

————
update - it’s working now..

i just put the kids out in a tent in the backyard for the night..

it’s about one hundred and twenty five degrees out there..

which is one of the reasons they keep running inside..

there will probably be some other reasons..

coyotes howling in the field behind the house..

cats fighting and screeching in the neighbor’s yard..

just general outdoor nighttime fears..

but mostly the oppressive heat i’d say..

i told them they could tell some ghost stories..

they quickly went from the standard “it was a night just like tonight” narrative to all kinds of ridiculous tales of poop and death..

every story my kids tell has to have those two things..

poop..

and death..

i’ll probably have to have a little talk with them about that..

teach them to throw in a smidge here and there..

i don’t know why this blog has become nothing but a chronicle of smidgedom..

but it is what it is..

this one happened about three years ago..

i was with my mother, her sister, and their mom..

their mom, my grandma hall, was fighting cancer at the time..

we were returning from the hospital in joplin, missouri and stopped in for a coke at mcdonald’s..

we were seated near the door visiting and drinking our sodey pops when we started to detect an odor..

mom and i were the first ones to spot the smidge (this was back before anyone knew what a smidge was) and realize he was the source of the stink..

he was somewhere between sixteen and fifty years of age and was sort of milling about near the restrooms, not far from our table..

there was.. um.. something.. all over the back of his pants and smeared on his tennis shoes..

about the time we realized what was going on, the manager on duty realized she had a fecal bomb loitering dangerously close to the kitchen - he had obviously been told to stay out of that area but was wandering ever closer..

now, as we all know, most of the food at mcdonald’s is actually made from poop, but they don’t normally present it tableside like guacamole.. (though in this case the color was perfect for that)..

so the manager came out and moved the smidge to the other end of the restaurant by the door and shortly thereafter a girl showed up to pick him up..

we decided it was probably his sister, but who knows..

from our table we watched as she loaded him into her car which was already prepped with plastic covering the passenger seat..

this was clearly not her first smidge-poop rodeo..

then.. whether it was from the smell or something else, i don’t know..

but my grandma proceeded to get sick in the bathroom..

so it was overall a pretty rough trip to mcdonald’s for my mom and her sister..

i was going to start this story by saying “i don’t know why in the world i haven’t written about this before..”

but after writing about it..

i think i know..

oops..

yesterday i wrote about a senator who had an affair and then said it was “one of” the worst things he’d ever done in his life..

and that’s exactly what the lady on the radio said he said..

but.. um..

that’s not what he said..

he actually said it was the worst thing he’d ever done..

so.. yeah.. that’s a little different..

oh well..

the other thing i didn’t realize..

the senator in question is from vegas..

so i guess..

what happens in vegas stays in vegas..

which.. and i had never thought of this..

must really stink if you have to stay in vegas..

here’s what i heard today on the radio..

“senator so-and-so from nevada resigned from his position today after admitting to an extramarital affair.. senator so-and-so apologized, saying it was one of the worst things he had ever done..”

wow..

one of?

really senator?

top five would you say?

obviously you’ve done at least one thing in your life worse than cheating on your wife..

but you’re just going to keep that to yourself i guess?

if i may senator..

and i address all gentlemen here really..

just a bit of advice..

if you’re going to have an affair..

and you’re going to admit to that affair..

and you’ve done things worst than that..

just go ahead and lie and say it’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

i mean.. everyone already knows you’re a scumbag womanizer..

why leave the door open for the world to imagine you engaging in even more disgusting behavior..

that seems like a no-brainer to me..

but then again..

i’m not a senator..

about eight months ago, i made a decision to put my name on what i write here..

prior to that, i used a nickname..

while that didn’t exactly make me anonymous, it did make it slightly more difficult to “find” me..

now it’s just google and boom..

here you are..

which is fine..

that’s the choice i made..

but there are some drawbacks..

for instance, i’m about to write about the way someone smells..

and that person might read this and hate me forever..

such is life, i guess..

i chose to write, and he chose to stink..

that’s just the way it goes..

anyway, here’s the story..

this guy is a software service guy..

comes to our place of business to work sometimes..

and he drives from st. louis or wherever..

and so i’m sure when he gets out of the car after a long drive he thinks “man, i don’t smell so great.. i better spritz a little stuff on me..”

oh.. and his name is bo.. as in b.o.

i don’t know if that plays into this or not..

that’s just his name..

but the stuff he sprays on, as randy jackson would say, “for me”.. stinks..

for me it stinks..

just for me..

oh and for the nurse who was running around out in the hall yelling “WHAT’S THAT SMAY-ULL!?” for the first fifteen minutes of his visit..

maybe for her it stinks too..

the following is something i said on twitter today..

“printing a forty foot banner to tell people to stop wasting paper.. just to see if anyone else here recognizes irony..”

it was just a joke, but i was thinking later it would be really funny to have something similar as a backdrop to a stage set..

like a giant, full stage paper board that says “stop paper waste”..

or something like that..

just to try to get an ignorant reaction from someone in the crowd..

i heard a comedian talking the other day about trying to convince an audience in edina, minnesota that he believed the beatles were singing about that town when they sang “lady edina”..

he ran the bit long enough for someone to finally say “it’s not even the right NAME!”

love that..

love the idea of getting somebody wound up like that..

oh well..

my nose is running..

there should be a law you don’t have to write when your nose is running..