Brady’s Blog

many of you will find this subject offensive..

and you probably should..

but my quest for humor is more important than your feelings..

so here we go..

i made up a word..

ok.. i didn’t make up a word..

but i made up a new meaning for an old word..

ok.. maybe i don’t deserve FULL credit for this since there were others in the room and it was kind of a riffing thing, but those other guys don’t have a blog.. so i am staking claim..

the word is smidge..

and the new definition is “one possessing reduced mental capacity or retardation”..

as in “that guy is such a smidge”..

told you.. O. FENCE. IV..

but very handy..

and less offensive than the frequently used alternative in my opinion..

and far more discreet..

yet funnier..

so use this word people!

we can do this..

we can transform our world from one that uses a horrible, insulting word to describe people who cannot even defend themselves to a world that uses a different horrible, insulting word to describe those people..

together we can..

i haven’t told a restaurant story in a long time..

here’s one..

friday night..

chili’s..

1993 or so i’d say..

busy as crap..

i am working virtually every position in the restaurant by this time, but tonight i’m “on the floor” - meaning i’m waiting tables..

dude working taco/fry station reaches into the fryer for a CFS - country fried steak, also known as a “ceefus”..

these were always cooked down below the fry basket.. so one would simply reach down in the fryer with ones tongs and fish it out.. same with the CFCH or country fried chicken..

as this guy grabs though, someone behind him bumps him and knocks him into the fryer..

his arm goes into the three hundred and sixty degree grease up to the elbow..

nasty, nasty burns..

but..

this kid is so tough, he grabs a lexan himself, fills it with ice and water and runs his station with his arm in that bucket of ice water for the next fifteen minutes while i close out my station so i can cover for him..

it’s a tale of someone sacrificing himself for the team, that’s all..

i mean - i could have made three times as much on the floor as i did cooking..

what can i say, i’ve always been a giver..

call me what you will..

but i do not wear cologne..

i don’t wear cologne for the same reason you should not wear cologne..

first of all, you are a man..

secondly, cologne stinks.. and it makes you stink right along with it..

thirdly, and most importantly, on the off chance someone does find the smell appealing, that person is likely to ask you what you are “wearing”..

and you will have to say something like “it’s called fierce.. by abercrombie and fitch..”

and that person will say “oh.. i thought so..”

oh boy..

no thanks..

i would rather someone say “you smell horrible”..

and i could say “yes.. i sweat a lot and don’t like to take showers”..

and they could say “oh.. i thought so..”

far better situation..

but that’s just me..

at least one baby died in the time it took you to read this.. just think how many would die in the time it took a baby to read this..

this was a one-liner i published on twitter a couple of days ago..

i wasn’t going to post it here but when i read it to someone it got a laugh..

so i thought some of you might like it..

of course the person i read it do didn’t know it was mine so that probably made it funnier..

so if you want that to be really funny, read it again and pretend anthony jeselnik wrote it..

soon i am going to try my hand at standup for a second time..

get the whole sophomore slump thing out of the way..

here is a bit i will be doing..

and i have promised myself to take it all the way to it’s ridiculous conclusion..

probably won’t be word for word but very close to this:

“well.. i have avoided the whole green thing about as long as i could..

i’ve finally broken down and made a substantial commitment to do my part to save the planet..

i’m focusing on saving plants in particular..

so i’ve decided.. from now on.. i will only eat meat that has been fed other meat..

carnivorous animals exclusively..

so.. i eat a lot of mountain lion, snakes, crocodiles.. mostly imported stuff..

oh and i do have a small herd of goats which i have trained to eat meat exclusively..

i used to have to cut the cats up and feed them to them but they’ve become better hunters now..

i call them my death goats..

but i don’t tell them that..

i know.. i know.. i know what they say: “don’t keep secrets from carnivorous goats..”

but i don’t care..

that’s not all i’m not telling them either..

they don’t even know i’m here tonight..

they think i’m sleeping under that tree with my shepherds crook across my chest just like every other night..

but i’m not..

that’s just a bunch of pillows!

so.. i eat the lions.. the snakes.. the crocs and gators.. and the goats..

but no plants!

actually i will have the occasional venus flytrap salad..”

so.. not exactly like that maybe..

but it will be pretty close to that..

hopefully there will be video..

we’ll see..

i have been taking a bunch of supplements in hopes of assuaging the symptoms of meniere’s disease with which i have been dealing..

so there has been an occasional pill laying around here or there in the house lately..

my bride decided this made for an opportune time to apply and/or reapply the medicine lecture..

so she broke out the “don’t ever take medicine unless it is meant for you and mommy or daddy give it to you”, etc etc..

mommy: “and never take any pills that aren’t yours.. you could get very sick..”

claire: “yeah.. like elvis..”

mommy: “what?”

claire: “elvis took pills that weren’t his and he died on the toilet..”

mommy: “where did you hear that?”

claire: “davis told me..”

kid sure knows his rock history..

i’m just glad he didn’t tell her the corn joke..

i don’t think he knows that one, but he’s going to love it when he hears it..

my parents just moved..

we were over at their new house today..

the ladies were out shopping and my brother and my dad were at the guitar store..

there were eight kids in the house and me..

and i was sleep-watching a baseball game..

the next sentence could easily have been “and then the kids burned down the house with me in it..”

but that’s not what happened..

what happened is the doorbell rang..

i figured for a minute it was one of the kids goofing off but got up to check anyway..

a young lady was at the door..

about seventeen i guess..

slightly too much much makeup, not quite pretty..

i assumed she was selling something and was all set to send her along..

instead she said something about her mom sending her out to meet people..

i thought she must be from the neighborhood and was told to introduce herself to the new neighbors or something..

so i said “well.. it’s just me here with a bunch of kids right now but you’re welcome to meet them if you like..”

and i invited her in..

i left the door all the way open though and kept the conversation there in the doorway for the sake of appearances..

a couple of the kids ran through and i introduced them to her..

the kids ran off and then this girl, krystal was her name, began filling me in some more on why she was out meeting people..

she said she was home schooled and her mom had come up with this project where she had to meet one hundred people a day for twenty four days..

she went on and on about meeting inspiring people and yappity yap yap..

i figured out pretty quick this wasn’t just some kid from the neighborhood being forced to be nice..

this went deeper.. and was far scarier..

i instinctively reached into my pocket to initiate the fake cell phone call but all i had was my ipod..

after a few more minutes of her running her trap, i decided the ipod was close enough..

i took it out and put it to my ear..

it’s an ipod touch so it looks a lot like an iphone..

i just cupped it in my hand where she couldn’t see it very well..

she had asked me about what job i had so she knew i was an i.t. person..

so i used that in my fake conversation..

“hello? yeah.. ok.. um.. well.. not really.. hang on.. [krystal, i have to take this, just a minute] go ahead.. uh-huh.. yeah.. did you reboot it? ok.. give me a minute i’ll see if i can get to it.. ok.. hang on.. [oh krystal.. so sorry.. i'm going to have to try to fix this.. very nice to meet you..]”

and off she went..

for all i know she totally knew i was standing there talking into an ipod like an idiot..

but i don’t really care..

me: “oww..”

claire: “what happened daddy?”

me: “i cut myself carving this pineapple..”

claire: “you want me to get you a bandaid?”

me: “sure baby.. thanks..”

i grab a paper towel, check the cut, not much to it.. barely nicked it..

claire: “well daddy.. i have good news and bad news..”

me: “ok..”

claire: “the bad news is i couldn’t reach the bandaids..”

me: “and..”

claire: “the good news is i was really close!”

me: “thanks for trying kid..”

the completion of the water leak saga in as few words as possible..

underground pipe broke..

plumbers..

cigarettes..

backhoe..

shovels..

giant piles of mud..

more plumbers..

more cigarettes..

oh thank god no digging up the driveway..

it’s fixed..

whew..

big fat check..

today I came home to a wet yard..

oh.. and a wet whole neighborhood..

all of this was wet from water..

the water was from our “seasonal meter”..

apparently it is leak season..

but don’t worry..

the leak is way under the ground somewhere..

so they’re going to come tomorrow to dig up the yard and fix it..

when i say “they”, i mean the rich people..

at least they will be rich by the time they get done with me..

just doing my part to end the recession i guess..

you’re welcome america..