Brady’s Blog

my bride did some volunteer work this weekend..

she was helping out with something called “le chocolate feast” at the local mall..

i wasn’t going to go because i can’t eat chocolate right now and because i would rather have tiger woods hit golfballs directly into the back of my head than go to the mall..

but the kids can enjoy chocolate, and i am up for father of the year again this year, so i went..

right as we walked in, we saw this guy..

the one with the socks..

now..

here’s the funny thing..

i did not take that picture..

i tried to catch a shot of that guy, but i was too slow..

then today, my friend geronimo*, who also attended le chocolate feast, was telling me about this guy he saw at the mall who was wearing black shoes with long white socks, sweatshirt, headphones, etc..

and then he showed me the picture above..

i told him about my failed attempt to capture the very same prey..

and we had ourselves a good old fashioned laugh at someone else’s expense..

the very best kind..

* not his real name but i really wish it was

i have many times tried to think of a funny way to tell you how bad i am at playing guitar..

in fact, it’s quite possible i have already written about it..

i don’t know..

but how bad i am is not the bad part..

the bad part is i still play a lot..

mostly at church now, but there have been times i have been foolish enough to get involved in what the old irish people used to call “gigs”..

and even that is not the most embarrassing aspect of my musical skills..

because on stage i can get by on the skill of the other musicians and my amazing rock and roll vibe..

the thing that is most embarrassing to me is when i think about the times, and there are many, when i have played guitar for just one or two people..

allow me to explain..

usually it goes like this..

i get some idiotic idea for a song..

in my head this song becomes the greatest song ever composed..

i decide to play it for someone else..

so i go to their home or catch them when they’ve been dumb enough to visit my home..

and i get out my guitar..

you know.. the one i can barely play..

and i sing the song for them..

and then i realize not only is the song stupid..

it also does not have a melody..

and is not actually a song..

don’t get me wrong..

no one has ever told me this..

but they don’t have to..

keep in mind, i have done this more than once..

which is really sad..

the only thing that makes it somewhat less sad*, and the only thing that will let me sleep tonight, is the fact i realize how sad it is and the fact i haven’t done this in a long time..

and probably won’t again..

probably..

* does it?

i am doing the taxes..

you will have to entertain yourselves this evening..

because if there is anything that can suck the funny out of even the funniest people (like me)..

it is taxes..

i don’t normally do the taxes..

because that is woman’s work..

but this year i decided to do it because the woman i have that normally does the taxes is super busy with other woman’s work..

for instance, one of the chores she’ll be performing soon will be to read this and smack me in the head..

i forgot to mention one of the most ironic things about my having been diagnosed with meniere’s disease..

just a few months ago the company i worked for was bought out by another company..

the company that bought us, the company for whom i now work, has catered food provided almost every day..

it’s not always delicious pulled pork from my favorite barbeque restaurant..

but often it is..

and it’s always something i can’t eat..

this would be hilarious to me if it happened to you..

so feel free to enjoy my misery..

here is something i did not realize before i was put on a low-salt, no food diet..

every single television commercial on every single channel is a food commercial..

did you know that?

also, did you know all of that food looks delicious?

wait..

i was wrong..

i’m watching television right now..

and there is a commercial on that is not a food commercial..

let’s see what it is about..

ah..

it’s for new balance running shoes..

here is a short list of things i have not seen on the history channel’s “Ax Men”..

1. a man with an ax

2. an ax man

3. an ax

allow me to tell you how i came to the unenviable position of envying people who are exercising..

three years ago i took up running..

i was about fifty pounds overweight..

because i liked to eat like a horse - a horse with a penchant for mcgriddles and ice cream..

the idea was to lose the fifty, and then increase my mileage to the point i could run enough to eat like i wanted and still keep the weight off..

simple enough..

and it worked..

i dropped the poundages..

and for the past couple of years i have been running regularly and eating like a teenage elephant with a three hundred foot tapeworm..

good times..

until my ear blew up..

i have been diagnosed with meniere’s disease..

which means..

diet changes..

low salt..

no caffeine..

and i have to take diuretics..

diuretics are designed to dehydrate your body..

which makes it very difficult to run..

my six and seven mile runs have turned into three mile runs that make me want to puke..

oh and low salt..

have i whined about that enough yet?

so now i am having no trouble keeping that weight off even though i can’t run..

because i can’t eat anything..

so now i see people running..

sweating, pounding the pavement..

laboring..

grinding out the miles..

and i envy them..

not to mention i have to watch everyone eat things i can’t eat..

it’s all very ironic..

meniere’s is a pretty strange disease..

and there’s no known cause for the onset..

if i knew more people who had been diagnosed, i would ask them if they watched jericho when it was on..

because i think all that talk of salt as the currency of post-nuclear america could be to blame..

how retarded do you have to be to be make fun of retarded people when you are the president of the united states of america?

pretty retarded..

i ate some tomatoes today..

a couple of slices..

i am on a super low sodium diet for my meniere’s disease..

so i’m being forced to visit some areas of the food spectrum i don’t normally frequent..

if you’ve never had a tomato, i can tell you tomatoes taste like dirt..

i know this because i’ve had dirt in my mouth before..

and i’ve tasted tomatoes..

and it’s the same flavor..

i’m sure they taste less like dirt with salt on them..

i am finding out most things do..

here’s a joke i told at work..

two out of two people did not get it..

goes like this..

“what’s the best time to go to the dentist?”

answer: two thirty..

get it?

tooth irty..

or, alternatively, tooth hurty..

hilarious right?

yes..

i told this one to the kids and trained them to tell it..

it’s super funny the way claire tells it..

“what’s the best time to go to the dentist?”

eight thirty..

boom!

i can’t wait to tell that one at work..