Brady’s Blog

tomorrow is halloween and i just realized i almost forgot to do my annual halloween joke..

it goes something like this..

we always have a lot of trick or treaters at our house..

most of them are dressed up as mexicans..

i know..

it’s not that funny..

but it amuses me..

mostly it amuses me because of the reactions i get when i deliver it to people live..

some people are shocked..

some are astonished..

some are bored and annoyed because they remember it from the last eight halloweens..

it’s fun..

for me..

which brings me to something i have been needing to mention as a reminder to everyone..

i write here for my own entertainment primarily..

i know this sounds ridiculous, but the only real reason i have put the time and energy into this is because i told myself i would do it..

i told myself “the only way to learn how to write is to write.. so i’m going to write..”

so i’m writing..

that’s it..

it’s that simple..

don’t get me wrong..

i’m glad you’re reading..

that’s a great bonus..

and if i can make someone laugh..

well..

that’s pretty much all i’ve been trying to do since second grade..

but in the end this is just me entertaining me..

one last thing..

i’ve said this before in one way or another..

but there are some new readers coming aboard recently so i want to make sure this gets addressed..

i have taste..

i realize not everything here is hilarious..

and i also realize it is poor form to end every sentence with two dots..

but this is where we find ourselves..

there are decent jokes here from time to time..

and the dots relax me..

so..

just enjoy..

this is a conversation i had with a friend through a new technology known as “instant messaging”..

his name is not really bryan..

i added the b to protect his identity..
————————————————————————————————–
AIM IM with bryan: 9/3/08 4:45 PM

bryan: how was wednesday?

brady doty: hmm..
brady doty: a bit frustrating..

bryan: nice.

brady doty: not bad.. just a bit..

bryan: so. a story for you.

brady doty: hit it
brady doty: go time
brady doty: ‘cept if it’s stan *

bryan: there’s this cat that someone has in our neighborhood.
bryan: they live like 2 blocks away.
bryan: the cat is loose.

brady doty: kill it

bryan: this is a neighborhood where there are generally not free-ranging pets, and where its actually even against the law.

brady doty: rite on

bryan: so the cat has a tag with the phone number of the people, etc.
bryan: at least twice, maybe three or four times we’ve had to call and say “your cat is out - come get it”
bryan: their response is “yeah, she doesn’t want to be inside, and won’t stay tied up”
bryan: its getting kind of annoying.
bryan: actually - its really annoying.

brady doty: “will she like being in my dog’s belly?”

bryan: yeah.
bryan: so i was p.o.’d one day when i saw it - and I made a tag on a piece of note card that said “please control your cat” - went out to put it on the cat with a zip tie, but the cat was gone.
bryan: so three times in the last week, i’ve seen the cat, and not been able to get to it to put the tag on it.
bryan: so I was finally able to put the tag on the cat on Sunday. i put the zip tie on its neck approximately as tight as its collar.

brady doty: oh i hope it died..
brady doty: please tell me you killed it

bryan: oh, and we’ve also called animal control
bryan: no .. i don’t think i killed it..

brady doty: dang it

bryan: but about ten minutes ago, i found an orange piece of paper taped to my door (like people are out pasting them on all the doors) that says . .

brady doty: you have to kill this cat
brady doty: i just wanted to say that first

bryan: “someone in our neighborhood is abusing animals” - “we found a cat with a zip tie around its neck that was tight enough to choke it”

brady doty: yes!
brady doty: cat killer!

bryan: it goes on to say “please watch out for your pets and kids, because someone who hurts animals will probably hurt people too”

brady doty: well.. one good thing about it.. we just wrote tonight’s blog post..

bryan: so. the question is. should I feel bad?

brady doty: you shouldn’t feel bad until someone finds the cat dead.. and then you should feel good

bryan: alright. besides. abusing the cat would have been zip tying its legs together.

brady doty: seriously.. if they don’t want their cat ziptied, they should keep it off the streets..
brady doty: i would find the cat again and put a note on it that says “i like to wear zipties - please don’t make a federal case out of it”

bryan: i’m guessing the cat tugged on the trailing edge of the tie and tightened it.
bryan: nice.

brady doty: oh.. yeah.. there’
brady doty: there’s that..
brady doty: didn’t think of that..
brady doty: cat killer
brady doty: you can’t help it there’s some suicidal cat running around though..

bryan: i’m just waiting for a cop to show up at my house and question me about it.

brady doty: that should be fun..
brady doty: get your kids to wear zipties around their necks and when the cops show up say “OMG! same thing happened to us!”

bryan: alright. so i’ll stop tying up cats.
bryan: and hopefully its the last i’ve heard of it.

brady doty: permission to post this? i had at least one good line in there..
brady doty: i’ll edit out all your foul language..**
brady doty: times up.. it gets posted..

bryan: no..***
bryan: please no.
bryan: because my wife reads your blog.
bryan: and she knows I tagged the cat
bryan: but i’m not planning to show her the note from the angry animal rights activist.

brady doty: well.. a lot of good it does me to be hilarious sometimes..

————————————————————————————————–

* frisky dingo joke - left it in for reader damon..
** there wasn’t really any foul language - i edited that in..
*** i thought about it and felt like he really meant yes - so i posted it..

i like deviled eggs..

i’ve been known to eat more than my share of deviled eggs..

i feel like deviled eggs are perfectly named..

they’re deviled..

whoever came up with that name did a really good job..

just think how narrowly they escaped having an egg that absolutely no one would eat..

“here.. would you like to try one of these eggs i made? they’re SATANIZED!”

“uh.. no thanks..”

or.. if they had just changed one letter, they would have had another DOA product..

“how do you like those eggs? i defiled them myself!”

yikes..

but if they’re just deviled..

yummy..

i don’t know what this kind of joke is called..

it’s pretty standard fare in one form or another..

dane cook does a lot of this..

brian regan does a variation of it very well at the end of this bit..

it’s essentially absurdity..

but there’s probably a more specific name for it..

for our purposes here today we’ll call it the “here’s whatcha do” joke..

anyway, i thought of one today..

here’s whatcha do..

you take your car in to the service center..

and you get one of the guys to get in with you and go for a ride so he can hear the terrible noise your car is making..

only there is no noise because you made it up..

and even if there was a noise, it wouldn’t happen with him in the car because he’s a mechanic.. that’s how the world works..

which is why he won’t be alarmed at all until you’re miles out in the country..

that’s when you beat him to death and point at his body and say HA! GOTCHA!! and just laugh and laugh all the way home..

just kidding..

that’s not the joke..

although that would be hilarious..

here’s whatcha do..

you don’t drive him out into the country..

you just drive to a restaurant about ten miles or so from his shop..

then you exit the vehicle and head on in for a nice meal while pretending you have never seen the mechanic before in your life..

mechanic: “whoa! hey buddy! where ya goin?”

you: “huh? who me? i am going through those doors right there that have the big chili’s sign above them..”

mechanic: “what about me?”

you: “well.. i don’t know.. you’re kinda dirty.. but you could ask ‘em..”

mechanic: “NO! i mean what about ME?! i am supposed to be at work!”

you: “mister.. that right there is between you and your supervisor..”

mechanic: “well.. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE!”

you: “sir.. i don’t know what you are talking about..”

mechanic: “you drove me here from my shop.. you had some noise in the brakes you wanted me to listen to–”

you: “–oh and i suppose i told you if you’d fix my brakes i would buy you lunch or something? look sir.. if you are hungry i will give you some money–”

——–

and that’s probably about as far as you’ll get before somebody actually does get beaten to death..

also, if you’re going to try to use a joke like this you might try to add what we comedy experts like to refer to as a “punch line”..

oh wait!

i got it..

you don’t go to a restaurant..

you go pick up another mechanic..

now you’ve got some competition going on..

they’re going to start hearing all kinds of stuff just to try to impress each other..

meanwhile, you’re driving them both to the next shop..

you do this until you have about ten of them in the car..

then you drive them all out into the country and beat them to death..

HA!

PUNCH LINE!!

here’s a video you’ve probably already seen..

it’s a clip of a college football official basically tackling a college football player..

yes, you could say this is not technically a tackle, but if you did you would have to adjust the statistics for most of the arkansas razorback defense this season since this is better than any tackle they’ve had all year..

yeah..

that’s pretty much a tackle..

now i could care less about south carolina or their quarterback..

if the refs want to take ball peen hammers to the entire gamecock team that’s just fine by me..

but i like to be right..

that’s pretty much all i care about..

and i’ve been saying for months there is a big story brewing in college officiating..

i don’t know if it will break first in basketball or football..

but it’s coming..

there have been too many ridiculous calls in too many games..

someone is getting paid..

and that’s pretty much where this stops for me..

i had a bunch of analogy work i was going through about how sporting officials get paid less than everyone else so they’re in charge but not really in charge so it would be like a federal judge working for peanuts and everyone would treat that judge like dirt and cuss him and boo him and spit at him..

and then i remembered i wanted to start watching battlestar galactica tonight so i gave up on that..

here’s all you need to know:

NUMBER 1: college refs are cheating - tons of them..

NUMBER 2: i am right about this..

NUMBER 3: i don’t give a crap about NUMBER 1 except as it pertains to NUMBER 2..

i tried everything..

i told him we could eat anywhere he wanted..

seafood..

chinese..

japanese grill where they make a flaming volcano out of onions..

but he had his mind set on mcdonald’s..

i even tried reverse psychology..

daddy: “oh wait.. i know where we could– oh.. no.. never mind..”

davis: “what?”

daddy: “oh nothing..”

davis: “what?”

daddy: “no.. i shouldn’t tell you about that place.. if we went there you would probably love it.. and then you’d want to go all the time.. and just never mind..”

davis: “wait.. no.. what place?”

daddy: “no.. never mind.. besides.. your brother hasn’t ever been there.. and he would be very jealous..
not to mention claire.. she’s never been there either..”

davis: “what place?”

daddy: “no.. never mind..”

davis: “DADDY!! tell me!!

daddy: “oh i don’t know.. their fries are so good - you’d probably try to get me to take you back there like every day.. plus it’s down in a basement.. you wouldn’t like that..”

davis: “daddy! come on!!”

daddy: “oh.. ok.. it’s this place called hugo’s.. it’s in fayetteville..”

davis: “oh.. nah.. mcdonald’s..”

i don’t know when it began..

somewhere back there in the history of televised sporting events someone held up a sign with a clever acronym on it..

probably said something like:

Nobody doesn’t love
Bob
Cousy

or whatever..

and since that fateful day every single televised contest of any kind at all has had an army of attendees with every kind of witty offering imaginable put to poster board..

here’s the problem with that..

there are only a handful of networks..

and only a few letters in each network name..

so.. after twenty or thirty years..

there’s just not that much left to say that you can say in three words..

it probably helped when espn came along..

that’s at least four letters..

but still..

there are only so many sentiments to be expressed in this format..

and even the best are so contrived and silly..

Count on
Boston to be
Successful

and, as you know, people start getting loose with the rules..

first they drop the “first word” rule..

so they’ll post:

we Can
Beat
Stanford

then..

they start making up signs with words that don’t even start with the letters - they just have the letters in the word somewhere..

so you’ll see a sign like..

wE
See
a tamPa
wiN

and eventually, they just completely forget everything, including the whole sports thing or why they’re there to begin with..

and they end up with something like:

don’t Forget
Ovary
X-rays!!

anything to get on tv i guess..

all this talk of tony romo reminded me of a kid from my childhood..

his name was tony rome..

i think tony was chuck faucett’s cousin or stepbrother..

from st louis as i recall..

i don’t remember a whole lot about him, but i remember i liked him..

he was very sarcastic and hateful..

and funny..

he got a lot of extra points in my book for being from “somewhere else”..

my guess is he had an awful childhood but i can’t prove it..

i think he came to live with chuck from time to time for some family reasons..

and i’m pretty sure he threw a rock through the window of the city bus right in front of my house..

let’s see.. what else..

blonde maybe..

pretty sure he chewed hawken..

i know i did..

man that stuff was nasty..

but it sure produced some good spit..

speaking of tony romo..

he’s hurt..

broke his pinky finger on his throwing hand..

no big deal, right?

injuries happen..

you wrap it up, let it heal, concentrate on film study and cardio..

you get better so you can play again and help your team down the stretch..

that’s probably what tony romo was going to do..

until he got a call from brett favre..

yes.. brett favre..

you know, the guy who is a quarterback on another team and also apparently holds some sort of medical degree he hasn’t disclosed..

keep this key phrase in mind as you read this - FAVRE CALLED ROMO..

romo did not call favre..

romo was not sitting around thinking “WWBFD?”

no..

BRETT CALLED HIM..

that’s the kind of jerk brett favre is..

he was probably sitting in a catfish hut somewhere when he heard the news..

“oh my gawd! tony romo hurt his hand!.. gimme a phone!”

and what unsolicited advice did he offer an injured player on a competing team?

oh..

he told him to play..

“you should go ahead and play hurt..

that’s what i would do..

oh.. well sure.. i’d probably down about 900 vicodin tablets first.. but i would definitely play..”

favre admitted in an interview once that he used to swallow a handful of vicodin pills, puke some of them up because he couldn’t choke them all down at once, pick them up out of his vomit and wash them down a second time..

THAT’S who is calling tony romo with free medical advice..

here’s what i have to say..

brett favre..

you’re so fond of telling other people what they should do..

here’s a word for you..

why don’t you focus on your own situation, deal with your own team, your own players, and your own pinky fingers, and concentrate on when and where you’re going to throw your next interception..

———————————————————————-
update:

turns out tony called him..

so.. ya know..

never mind..

i have had two different people in the last week try to tell me tony romo is stupid because he is dating jessica simpson..

did i miss something?

i mean.. she’s stupid..

i get that..

but.. he’s just dating her..

if one has appreciation for some finer thing, does one take on the poorer attributes of that particular specimen?

for instance, does a car collector somehow smell like exhaust fumes?

does a wine connoisseur stain fabric if he touches it?

does someone who loves good barbecue smell like a pig?

ok.. that last one is a bad example..

at least in my case.. most of the time..

but you get my point..

one does not turn into one’s love interest..

at least there’s no evidence to support that theory..

i know one way we could test it though..

we line the team up for a field goal in the playoffs..

and see if jessica can handle that snap..