Brady’s Blog

here’s one for you to try out..

this is a great joke and i’ll let you use it all you want for free..

you just have to promise me if you get fired for using it, you’ll let me know so i can laugh at you..

here’s the joke and how you use it..

you find someone who has business partners who are of the same sex..

works best with men for some reason..

and you start referring to them not as “partners”, but as “same sex partners”..

for instance, my bosses at my last job were three guys that owned the place together..

so if i knew some decision was up in the air or something i might ask one of them “so what did your same sex partners think about it?”

see how that works?

pretty great..

i tried this recently with one of my new bosses..

my new bosses are doctors..

you may not know this, but physicians are not exactly known for having the greatest sense of humor about themselves..

this guy took it pretty well but it was borderline uncomfortable..

and isn’t that what a good one-liner is all about sometimes?

sometimes there’s just nothing better than taking a perfectly comfortable room and turning it into awkwardville..

love that..

anyway, try it out and let me know how it goes..

as i sit here watching a game of football i don’t care about, i am struck by how terribly infrequently really bad things happen..

i’ll probably watch this whole game without seeing half of the stadium collapse or a referee go crazy and start stabbing the players..

oh sure, there might be an injury or two..

but i can’t really see a concussion on tv all that well..

the crazy slasher ref thing would be pretty awesome..

maybe one of the guys running the chains could sneak a samurai sword in or something..

it would be better if somebody would just become a zombie and start attacking everyone and fire off a 50,000 zombie bomb..

of course..

when that happens i’ll probably be watching last week’s “no reservations” on dvr..

well speak of the devil..

some kid pretty much got his neck broke just now..

that wasn’t as much fun as i thought it would be at all..

i would much prefer a zombie outbreak..

my friend ryan im’d me during the democratic convince-ourselves-we-can-somehow-get-this-guy-elected-athon last night..

someone had just said from the podium that we should “..leave no american behind..”

ryan expressed an opinion along the lines of “maybe some folks should be left behind..”

personally, i would like to leave all other americans slightly behind me in every possible way..

but that’s just me..

anyway.. pretty good line ryan had there i thought..

clever enough.. and has that half-joking ring i like..

if i didn’t know for sure he would read this i would have just ripped off that one-liner and left today’s post at that..

but he does read this..

so.. i have to quote him and put together enough yes-and riffage to meet my daily yuk-yuk quota..

so here goes..

i think the disturbing thing about hearing the words “leave no american behind” from certain people is their propensity to actually believe that sentiment and hold to its literal and figurative interpretation and implementation..

they actually think that is a perfect idea..

it sounds great of course..

but by definition what one is really saying is “let no american get too far ahead..”

obviously, the only sure way to see to it no one gets left behind is to watch those out front and hold them up if someone is lagging..

and what if one american decides he doesn’t want to go?

and he just sits down..

we’re not going to leave that guy behind?

are we all just going to stand around and wait?

or pick him up and say “you’re coming with US!”?

i say we leave him..

i say we put a map in his pocket of where we’re going and leave him there..

or pin a note to his shirt in case mexico finds him..

i think at the very least we should keep walking and say “that’s it! we’re leaving!” and make him think we’re taking off..

maybe even go start the car..

works every single time on my kids..

a couple of years ago i put together a plan..

my buddies and i were going to get together and watch band of brothers..

band of brothers is an awesome world war two series that ran in 2001..

it was quite an ambitious undertaking - getting the five or six of us to take the time to get together for an hour two at a time..

that’s probably why we failed..

it was just too difficult a task..

do you think that says anything about how far we’ve come as a country?

the ‘great’ generation banded together and systematically engineered and manufactured the defeat of half a world full of pure evil..

my generation cannot complete the task of watching it on tv..

we’re giving it another shot though..

talked to a couple of the key men this week and we’re going back up that hill..

never give up..

never.. ever give up..

veggie wheat thins chips are very good..

i realize that may be slightly nixon-goes-to-china to hear me say that..

but they really are..

i’m not sure, but i think what makes these crispy little dudes such a tasty snack is the tons of salt and msg..

the bag says they’re made “with real vegetables”, but i think they conveniently left out a word or two..

i think it’s actually supposed to read “made with real vegetables in the room..”

or maybe “..with real vegetables on our minds..”

either way.. they’re tasty as heck..

you should get some and put then inside your face..

there are some very good reasons why i don’t do movie reviews here..

1. absolutely every other person in the world is reviewing every single movie
2. i mostly watch zombie movies which are completely above criticism
3. the writing of an actual movie review can bring one perilously close to real, actual work

so this is not a movie review..

however, i have a few issues with “leatherheads” which mrs. cracker and i just watched..

best we could tell by george clooney’s performance, this film was the sequel to “oh brother where art thou?”..

apparently, after finishing his odyssey, everett went on to pursue a career in professional football and face-making..

holly hunter must have been unavailable as she was replaced by renee zellweger in the leading lady role..

a period piece from the 20’s or 30’s has to have one of these two girls..

because as we know, all women in the old days had squinty faces..

that’s just how things were back then.. females were just constantly smushing up their mouths, blinking, and chewing the inside of their cheeks..

i remember as a kid seeing funny things happen in cartoons whenever a character accidentally came across some alum..

i never knew what alum was, but hollywood casting directors are obviously aware of it’s prevalence in early 20th century america..

seriously, renee zellweger would be a lot better actress if her default facial expression was not the face one makes when the speakers feedback in an auditorium..

not attractive..

oh.. also.. this was a bad movie..

moderately entertaining at times, with about 6 or 7 fully unnecessary scenes, continuous eye-popping and mugging from clooney, and absolutely chock full of banter for banter’s sake..

and i love banter..

i’m normally the last guy to complain about wasted dialogue.. but this was completely ridiculous..

good back and forth is supposed to consist of the things a normal person wishes he could have said if only he had been quick enough to think of it at the time..

this script had about ten minutes of lines one might say if one were actually slightly slower than the normal conversationalist and also lived in a bad comic strip..

oh and as a bonus, the logic involved in the conclusion completely breaks down..

so yeah.. bad movie..

bacon - 1.5 pounds

1 glass of orange juice

10 pringles (original)

1 egg salad sandwich

10 wheat thin crisps (veggie)

1 diet dr pepper

60 almonds

15 brazil nuts

1 pecan

1 cashew

1 cherry coke zero

20 sun chips (garden salsa)

1 bowl blueberry morning cereal

1 bowl moose tracks ice cream

and don’t think i wouldn’t do it all again tomorrow..

except for the cashew..

i might skip that cashew..

cashews are very fattening..

oh my mother..

at it again with the steak tricks..

here’s what she did this time..

we were having a men’s “steakout” at the lake..

b.y.o.s.

so i asked mom if she’d pick up the meat for a couple of us guys..

i told her i’d love to have some beef from the specialty meat market..

she said she’d take care of it..

so we got to the steakout, cooked the meat and enjoyed it, and then i spent about 10 minutes bragging to all the guys about how awesome our steaks were because we got them from the specialty meat market..

just wore everyone out with my meat elitism..

oh and also mom told us she had marinated the meat.. so we had that going for us too..

anyway, the next day i get this email from mom..

“Well, how was your steak last night? Did I do okay?”

i assured her it was great..

then this from her..

“I will confess to you now that I know the steak was awesome that I found those at Harp’s when I went to buy the other groceries. I went ahead and bought them thinking I would use them this weekend OR I thought they looked good enough if I didn’t make it to Dimes Meat Market. I didn’t make it to Dimes! SO, I’m glad they were good so you didn’t shoot me. LOL”

deception and equivocation..

disgusting behavior is it not?

especially when it serves so well to point out my ignorance and foolishness..

just mean..

i finally broke down and bought a new tv..

the old one was a barely working 26″ zenith..

it was time..

the new tv has an “h” and a “d” in front of it..

so naturally last night i was doing what every new hdtv owner does - i was watching stuff i would never, ever watch if it was in standard definition..

in this case it was women’s soccer..

claire was watching with me.. she’s our four year old..

daddy: “claire, do you like soccer?”

claire: “uh-huh! i want to do that daddy! i want to be a soccer!”

daddy: “oh really? good.. that’s good honey..”

claire: “um daddy?”

daddy: “yes?”

claire: “um.. do you get sweaty doing that?”

daddy: “yes claire.. very sweaty..”

claire: “oh.. yeah.. i don’t want to do that..”