Brady’s Blog

i don’t know what in the world is wrong with my children..

at least two of them (the two that go to school) have been dying for this school year to end..

in fact, they’ve been singing alice cooper’s “schools out for summer” for weeks now..

that could also be a result of that’s songs inclusion in the guitar hero 3 repertoire.. but still..

the fact remains.. they have definitely been ready for the school days to end..

so.. today was the last day of school..

and i came home this evening and found them all in a room with their mother..

and what were they doing?

they were playing school..

what in the wide world of sports?

that’s like finding john mccain in his senate office playing vietnam prison camp 4 on his playstation..

awesome game by the way - 5 stars..

seriously though..

what kind of sick kids come home from the last day of school and play school?

and they’re still at it.. right this minute!

and it sounds like they’re enjoying themselves..

that’s just plain weird..

in fact.. frankly..

i find it disgusting and inappropriate..

i think i’m going to ground them for the summer..

i’m supposed to be writing jokes here..

and if i thought i could write one funnier than this face..

i would write one..

i try to keep this blog as clean as possible..

but i’m relatively proud of this particular joke so i’m going to allow it..

it’s a different angle on something that all of those “blue” comics you hear on xm radio and the like would very likely cover..

and that is the subject of women “faking it”..

here’s my take on this..

obviously, this is not meant to be presented by me personally..

this is a gag i would sell to a younger, less married road comic..

begin joke–

ladies, if you insist on faking part of the process for my sake, don’t fake the end..

fake the beginning..

you know, the part where you’re interested and willing..

–end joke

see there?

that’s a solid joke..

notice to comedians: that joke retails for $15.95

and there’s dozens more in stock..

(allow four to six weeks for delivery)

i am a citizen of planet earth..

so when something happens anywhere on this great planet, even if it’s terrible, i like to try to make something good come of that..

take the recent earthquake in china for instance..

i don’t live in china..

i’ve never even been there..

but that doesn’t mean i can’t take something from this experience and learn a little about myself..

and here’s what i’ve learned..

i have been mispronouncing “chengdu” every time i order the chengdu lamb at p.f. chang’s chinese bistro..

i have been using a soft e sound in the first syllable, while the correct pronunciation is apparently more along the lines of a soft u.. with a very light, almost imperceptible ch at the front and a d in the second syllable which borders on a t..

please do not misunderstand.. i am not glad the earthquake happened..

and of the hundreds of thousands of people killed, and the millions of people left homeless, i doubt there would be more than a few who would find much comfort in my being able to now properly order a certain dish in an american chinese chain restaurant..

but you know what, if i could save just one..

if just one chinese person can find this writing and learn of my new found knowledge of how to pronounce the name of a hack dish in a cookie cutter (but tasty) hash slingery that has nothing to do with anything he’s ever heard of or cared about at all..

if that one poor, impoverished, homeless, rice farmer can lay his head down in a pig trough tonight with the knowledge that i will be here, tirelessly ordering a lamb dish by perfectly enunciating the name of his native land..

then it’s all been worth it..

what’s that?

you don’t think that will happen?

not even one?

out of all those millions?

hmm..

how ’bout if i just say “turn that frown upside down there china!”

no?

no good?

man.. that’s too bad..

i mean.. i want to do my part..

i want to become a better person because of this..

i want to change.. and make the world better by changing..

and i’ve already pretty much been saying sichuan correctly..

i checked..

hmm..

anyone know of a good burmese restaurant?

i’m not writing today in memory of the fact that i was on the water for about fifteen hours this weekend and i am completely shot..

plus my oldest boy stew is heading down to bed and if i don’t go tuck him in right now he’s going to be out like a light..

and he’ll go to sleep never knowing it was all his fault i couldn’t write tonight..

oh wait.. was that a joke?

close enough..

have you ever heard the phrase “water and lightning don’t mix”?

it’s not true..

actually, water and lightning mix just fine..

it’s water, lighting, and me that really makes for a terrible concoction..

i had the pleasure of experiencing this on this very afternoon..

we had a bunch of folks out to the lake today..

a couple of them had one of the jet skis about a mile away and around the corner where they couldn’t see the storm coming..

and um.. there was a storm coming..

i rounded them up just in time and all was well..

but i must say..

being out on the water when there’s lightning popping and wind and rain bearing down on you..

that will make you think..

we have professional baseball in our area now..

the northwest arkansas naturals..

we went to see them play tonight..

davis fell asleep on the way there..

he got carried into the stadium during the anthem, and got carried out in the top of the fourth.. never woke up at all..

claire had fun rewriting one of the chants..

they have a sound clip they play at our park that says “everybody clap your hands!”..

at which point everyone.. well.. claps their hands..

claire changed it to “everybody clap your armpits!”..

with accompanying motions..

pretty funny..

i know what you’re thinking though..

“but cracker.. did you do anything really dumb tonight?”

why yes.

i did.

i left the keys in the ignition of the jeep for nine full innings..

and it was still there..

god bless america..

i keep a notebook with me almost everywhere i go..

and i am just constantly not writing in it..

but it does come in handy on the rare occasion i think of something funny to say and don’t happen to be around a computer.. (one of these things has never happened, the other thing happened once about two years ago - you decide which is which)

anyway, there are notes in this notebook somehow..

here are two of those notes along with a brief explanation

1. “guy eating ice cream at urinal” - i once saw a guy eating an ice cream cone while standing at a urinal - pretty sure this was at the vegas airport but i can’t swear to it

2. “blood - peter gabriel” - one time i received a vinyl copy of peter gabriel’s “so” album for giving blood - i always considered that to be the perfect compensation.. the record plus the little cookie i mean..

3. “mcribs - why did dad like those things - irish joke” - my dad loved (still loves?) the mcrib sandwich - i also thought i would pocket the line “you’re about as irish as a mcrib” for the next time i came across an irish wannabe..

and yes, believe it or not, there are irish wannabes

and finally, if this post seems familiar, it’s because i wrote one just like it in february..

even mentioned two of the exact same notes from the notebook..

i had no clue until i searched for the word “gabriel” and found it..

even when i saw it i didn’t remember writing it..

i remember the gene scott post before it, and the zig ziglar post after it.. but i didn’t remember the notebook post at all..

it even had the exact same headline as this post..

which i am not going to change now just to make myself seem less dumb..

because i am not less dumb..

i am more or less dumb..

but definitely not less dumb..

just a bonus post..

nothing to see here..

move along..

come on ricky.. get back in your truck..

let’s go guys.. show’s over..

if you’ve played much baseball or softball, you know what a strawberry is..

i have one..

got it sliding into second tonight..

not too bad.. but it’s going to be plenty sore..

should i be sliding?

probably not..

but.. you know.. it’s debatable whether i should be playing softball at all - even with all the running i do, i’m still just an old fat dude with a junky knee..

so.. you know.. in for a penny, in for a pound.. when it’s time to slide.. i slide..

oh hey..

i forgot to include a joke i wrote in yesterday’s post..

it went like this..

i hope obama doesn’t think anyone from arkansas is going to vote for him..

i mean.. come on..

not with a name like that..

barack hussein obama..

seriously..

it says ‘bama’ right there in his name..

might as well campaign in little rock wearing a crimson tide jersey..

he could go by the nickname “longhorn” and have a better chance..

no thanks..