Brady’s Blog

i do not have an hdtv..

yes, yes, i am pretty much dead set on being the last person on earth to purchase an hdtv thank you very much for asking..

and the great thing about not owning an hdtv is noticing the omnipresence of the technology everywhere except my home..

it seems like everywhere one turns in this world there is a fifty inch plasma staring one in the face..

the doctor’s office, the gym, shopping centers..

the hotel i’m staying at this week has big hd plasma screens hanging on the walls just for decoration..

one such is currently just displaying a video of some birds sitting in a tree..

this is supposed to be soothing i guess..

and it probably is for the other guests here who are all reminded of their beautiful hd displays back home..

for me, it’s a little annoying..

i’m starting to think that by the time i own an hdtv, the entire world will be wallpapered in perfect 1080p pioneer plasma..

“so geez cracker.. go by one already.. they’re not that expensive..”

oh sure.. easy for you to say.. (especially since i’m even writing your lines for you.. man you are the laziest)

but i just don’t think i’m ready..

even at today’s prices it’s a big investment for me and i’m just not there yet..

i think part of it is the realization that there are only a handful of things i want to watch on tv, and most of the things i really want to see in hd are sporting events which i would usually just as soon watch with the extended family at my parent’s house where there is already hd..

so that’s why i’m not buying an hdtv yet..

oh and i just stole one from the hotel..

what?

you never took anything from a hotel?

a bar of soap, or some shampoo?

what’s the big deal?

it’s not like they’re going to miss it..

it was just showing birds in a tree..

fifty feet from real birds in a real tree..

i think the place is better off without it..

man, you’re so judgmental..

fine..

i’m putting the soap back..

happy now?

i am a dallas cowboys fan..

which means i have been through the ringer the last ten years or so..

let’s just say.. some ups and downs..

for the most part our team has done very well as long as we have plenty of low-life, degenerate criminals on the team..

in fact, there for a while, dallas was the only team in the nfl allowed to administer the nfl mandated drug tests in essay form..

and they still failed..

seriously, we’ve had some real thugs on the team..

and won a lot of games with them..

which i guess is the reasoning behind the recent interest in a guy named pacman jones..

if you don’t know who this guy is that’s ok..

just open the nearest newspaper, find the crime section, and start reading..

you may not find him exactly (you might) but you’ll definitely find someone just like him..

he’s been busted for drugs, guns, public intoxication, assualt, you name it..

usually if you read a story about pacman jones it will contain a combination of the words club, strip, and night..

or early morning..

basically, he’s a scumbag..

but somebody somewhere is convinced we need this guy for some reason..

somebody thinks our thug factor is too low..

and for all i know they’re right..

so.. here’s my proposal..

instead of going outside the organization to recruit a criminal, why not train someone up from the inside instead?

and who better to be our main shady character than our fearless leader and quarterback tony romo?

all we need now is something bad for him to do..

what’s that you say?

domestic violence is always a good place to start?

oh i couldn’t agree more!

also, since his girlfriend jessica simpson drug him to mexico during the playoffs and cost us the game, it would be kind of a two birds with one stone situation..

oh wait.. also.. his girlfriend is jessica simpson..

so that’s three birds..

and i am pretty sure he could play a lot better after punching her in the face..

of course, if he would marry her first..

and if she changed her last name to his..

and then he shot her instead of punching her..

then this post would have a LOT catchier headline..

jericho finally got cancelled..

again..

i’m going to go out on a limb here and say this is one zombie that’s not getting back up..

of course, how it ever got a second season is beyond me..

oh.. that’s right..

people sent a bunch of peanuts to cbs..

and someone at cbs went “hmm.. i’ve seen jericho.. and i am pretty sure it is horrible.. but people are sending us peanuts.. maybe that means it is great.. let’s bring it back..”

oh.. what if they send cashews this time?

just thought of that..

almonds?

yes..

if you send me a couple of tons of almonds i’ll make sure it gets back on the air..

what’s that?

do i have that kind of power you ask?

only one way to find out..

send some bacon too..

just in case..

i think the running joke may be my favorite kind of joke..

maybe because i grew up on letterman.. who knows..

sometimes this type of joke is referred to as a “call back”..

but the kind of running joke i like goes deeper than that..

a call back is bringing up some previous phrase or topic from conversation because it is funny when juxtaposed to the current discourse..

the kind of running joke i like is one that goes on and on and on..

it’s like the tired old joke about the guys that had been in the dungeon so long they had all their jokes numbered and all they had to do was call out a number to make each other laugh..

(punchline = it’s not the joke, it’s how you tell it)

so the running joke is old first of all..

and secondly it’s limited in its audience - you literally had to be there the first three hundred times..

i currently have one of these going with a buddy..

i’ll take you back to the start..

this friend and i were at work - we share an office..

he left the room to go pick something up from the printer or something..

while he was out of the room i happened to see heath ledger had died..

for a second i thought about texting him to tell him because i kind of thought that was big news..

but then i thought “hmm.. that might not be something i should text him about since he’s here in the building.. that would be a little weird.. i’ll just wait and tell him when he comes back in here..”

but when he came back in he was talking about something else and then i forgot..

about ten minutes later i left work to go somewhere - no sooner did i pull out of the parking lot than i got a text from him that said “omg heath ledger died!”

i later related to him that i had almost texted him with the same news which we thought was hilarious..

so now, sometimes once a week, sometimes eight times a day, we’ll text each other with various heath ledger related headlines..

as if the news is just breaking..

for instance, i just texted him “local news here in san antonio says heath ledger died!”

horrible isn’t it?

yeah..

i agree..

and it makes me laugh every time..

here are a few things i learned in a cigar bar this evening while trying to learn about the transcontinental railroad..

1. the romans were nazis

2. “mannasow glumiate” is very bad for you

3. there is no cancer in germany

4. if two people are from chicago they are “brothers, man.. brothers”

5. obama will be killed if elected

6. hillary will be killed if elected

7. robert kennedy was set up

8. there is no such thing as a country that can beat the u.s.

priceless education..

the following would be the opening of my standup act at a tech conference..

good evening.. thanks for coming..

first of all, i have a request..

something i need you guys to do for me..

i’m trying to make it as a comic..

i’ve figured out the best way to do that is find a niche..

you know, carlos mencia does racial stuff..

jeff foxworthy does the redneck thing..

george carlin still performs the same stuff he did forty years ago that wasn’t funny then..

you know.. niche..

so.. i’m going to be the geek’s comic..

doing geeky humor..

you know.. bits and bytes.. mega-giga-whatever..

so.. here’s what i need from you guys..

whenever you see other comics out there doing any kind of geeky material i want you to heckle the crap out of them..

and scream at them that they’re stealing cracker’s material..

as soon as you hear anything remotely geeky come out of another comic’s mouth just stand up and yell “CRACKER DID THAT ONE ALREADY!”

and then scream obscenities at that comic..

oh.. and one more thing..

whatever the geeky material is they were using - i want you to make a note of it and email it to me..

you know.. just so i can check it against my stuff and see what overlaps where..

you can do this with any kind of material really - even if it’s not that geeky i can probably still use it..

er.. i mean.. check it..

like if they have any funny stuff about flying on airplanes or how men and women are different..

or say..

maybe you hear of some ways someone might know if he or she is a redneck..

that’d be handy..

davis found a four leaf clover!

we were hanging out at the ballpark waiting for stewart’s baseball practice to start..

davis got down on the ground and started going through a patch of clover..

took him about ten seconds to come up lucky..

i have always wondered how people find four leaf clovers..

my grandmother had a solid knack for this - she’d go for a walk and come back with three or four..

davis has discovered the secret - you have to look for them..

who knew?

by the way, has anyone thought of a four leaf clover joke yet?

i still think there should be a cheap joke there..

let’s see..

how about this..

what did the sober irishman say when he found a four leaf clover?

“i thought i was rare!”

——

update..

had a thought this morning..

what if you changed that joke..

same punchline..

but flip the setup..

“what did the four leaf clover say to the sober irishman?”

—–

i’m going to pull the oldest cop-out trick in the book for today’s post..

that’s right kids.. reruns..

i was clicking around the archives the other day, looking for something - i could remember kind of when it happened but couldn’t track it down with a text search..

anyway, one of the places i ended up just happened to have a handful of posts that i was actually almost proud of..

february 2007

that link will start you at the 28th of february and take you back to the 19th of that same month..

a decent stretch of material i think..

i especially like the gothamist interview..

every once in a while i have a good idea..

just not tonight..

i think i just realized something..

i don’t like music..

i’ve come to the point where pretty much all music sounds the same and all i want to hear when i hear music is the end of it.. that sweet, holy silence when it’s over..

there just doesn’t seem to be anything musical i really want to hear..

drums? no thanks.

guitar? annoying.

vocals? just shut up.

bass? blum blum blum blum - please.

piano? stop it.

horns? noise.

strings? zzzzzz.

there’s just nothing i want to hear..

even music i have previously enjoyed just bores the snot out of me..

i have no idea why this is..

i used to like music..

i can remember times when i would just sit and listen to music..

as in just sit there.. and listen..

and not do anything else..

today that would last about two minutes before i would either fall asleep or tear my ears off my head..

unless it was air supply..

air supply is good..

and willie nelson..

but that’s it..

last night i did something i never thought i would do..

i sat down with my lovely bride and watched an episode of american idol..

actually, i think we must have watched “american idol, the movie” because it was TWO HOURS long..

holy smokes people..

i can see the appeal to this show, believe me.. it’s a lot of fun watching people lay it on the line in front of their friends and family and the known universe..

but TWO HOURS?

and no.. we weren’t watching live - oh man.. i can’t even imagine..

it was bad enough when fast forwarding through the commercials and most of ryan seacrest..

if we had been forced to sit there and watch that fool clunk through all the product placements..

nothing like coming back from a four minute commercial break to see that guy pitching a cell phone..

yikes..

oh and thank goodness they chopped all those beatles songs down to ninety seconds to make room for more advertising..

wouldn’t want that extra verse of long and winding road getting in the way of ford motor company..

anyway.. let’s get to the performances..

just about everyone i talked to today about idol said something like this:

“oh.. well they’re down to the finalists now.. this is the boring part.. you missed all the excitement at the beginning when everyone was terrible..”

hmm..

really? i missed the terrible people? i’ll take your word for it..

juuuust kidding.. take it easy..

these people were all fine..

honestly not a whole lot better than what i would expect at most small to mid-sized battle of the bands or talent show competitions..

but they were fine..

and we’ll just let that serve as my review of all the performances i saw..

they were fine..

with that let’s move to the elephant in the room..

and that, of course, is..

simon..

oh simon..

why is he so nice to people?

why can’t he just say what he thinks?

seriously though, here’s what i love about the whole simon thing..

everyone hates simon when he’s bashing people..

the audience boos him, the performers get indignant and dismissive of his criticism and say things like “well that’s your opinion! some people liked it just fine!”..

he’s evil incarnate..

the devil himself..

until he says something nice about someone..

and then suddenly it’s “oh thank you thank you thank you!!” and he’s the holy father..

suddenly his opinion is the most important thing in the world if he’s saying something positive..

hilarious..

i would love just once for a performer to answer one of simon’s more encouraging remarks with “oh simon, no one cares what you think jerk..”

this was my first viewing, so it’s possible that’s happened on a previous episode and i just missed it..

of course if it happens on a future episode..

i will still miss it..