Brady’s Blog

i don’t know if you know this or not but there’s an election coming up next year..

the democrats are down to the last two candidates - barack obama and hillary clinton..

the republicans are down to john mccain and nobody - the only problem is “nobody” is named mike huckabee and he hasn’t been notified of the fact he lost weeks ago..

he’ll figure it out eventually i guess..

things have been pretty interesting on the democrat side of things..

hillary clinton has unexpectedly found herself in a position of being forced to come from behind..

they’re both hitting texas and ohio with everything they’ve got..

clinton’s team released a new ad today which shows images of children sleeping in their homes and asks viewers who they want “answering the phone” in the White House during a crisis.

a couple of observations if i may..

and believe me.. i may..

first of all i can tell you who i want answering the phone at the white house..

the receptionist..

i don’t think we need a president who’s going to jump for the phone every time it rings..

“oh oh!! i’ll get it!! is it for me?! is that someone calling the president!? ’cause i’m the president! so if it is then that’s for me!!”

chill out president.. we have people here to answer the phone..

if it’s an emergency, we’ll let you know..

secondly, how is this an effective ad?

are there obama devotees out there who are going to view this ad and think “oh.. crap.. i didn’t think about that.. if i vote for this guy.. and somebody calls the white house asking for the president.. they’re going to get him on the phone.. oh no way.. i’m voting for hillary..”

i don’t know..

maybe…

or maybe she’s just saying she’s really good on the phone..

she’s just doing the smart thing anyone would do in a job interview - letting her potential employer know she has excellent phone skills..

maybe they’ll really play dirty and release some recordings of obama on the phone being really rude to people..

then they’ll run another ad showing a frowning obama on the phone.. with that heavy voice-over guy saying “barack obama doesn’t even know you should smile on the phone.. is that the kind of person you want talking on the phone in the white house?”

i’m cracker and i approved this message..

i just saw an ad for a movie called “death at a funeral”..

i know zip about this movie..

but it reminds me of something funny i once said..

my cousin was telling me about a time she performed cpr at a funeral..

i simply said.. “i don’t think you’re supposed to do that..”

i went to radio shack today..

and BOUGHT something there!

i know..

pretty wild huh?

i don’t know how these places stay open..

think about it..

have you ever been in a radio shack when there was more than one other customer in there?

i ended up there today because i was needing something kind of specific that i thought they might sell at radio shack..

you know what it was?

a radio..

you know what else?

they did have some radios there..

i bought this one..

it’s pretty awesome..

it has a crank on the side that you turn to charge the battery..

crank that dude for a couple of minutes and you have an hour or two of radio time..

built in flashlight and usb phone charger..

weather band..

that’s about all the life saving features i could ask for in a radio personally..

so i guess that’s how they stay open..

selling radios..

while i was there another customer came in and left..

but he didn’t buy anything..

i came home for lunch today..

it was just me and the girls so we watched a cheer leading competition on espn..

a girl show on a boy channel - seemed like a decent compromise..

obviously the whole thing is insane.. i think that’s a given..

i mean..

they’re cheer leaders..

their purpose is to cheer for other athletes as they compete..

there is absolutely no sense at all in having them compete themselves..

why not hold the equipment manager world championship at the same time?

or have the quarterback coaches get together after the season and see who can yell the loudest..

it’s just ridiculous..

now..

with that said..

you should see some of the stuff they do in these competitions..

they throw these girls around the place like so many bowling pins in a juggling act..

just crazy..

they don’t drop them enough for my money but it’s still pretty interesting to watch..

there is one thing i think that would make the competition better..

they should get some people to dress up in uniforms and shout encouragement to the competitors..

maybe prepare some clever chants to yell in their support..

you know..

cheer for them..

of course those people will eventually need a competition of their own..

ok murderers..

listen up..

i’m only going to say this once because i don’t want this to become the go-to place for tips and tricks on murdering..

ready?

got a pen?

or some lipstick and a mirror or something?

ok..

here it is..

DIG. DEEPER. GRAVES.

is that so hard?

seriously..

let me tell you why i say this..

from time to time i have read in the paper or heard on the news the following..

“..the body was found in a shallow grave near such and such..”

you know what you don’t hear?

“..the body was found in a deep grave..”

gee guys..

think there might be a reason for that?

now i’m guessing none of you would set out to bury someone in a shallow grave..

you probably start out thinking “man i am going to put this dude DEEP under the ground..”

and then after about thirty minutes of dirty work you start feeling a little less ambitious..

you start getting tired..

you’re lazy..

that’s probably how you got to be a murderer in the first place - you were too lazy to work for a living so you tried to rob somebody and things got out of hand..

so now you’ve got a hole just deep enough to barely cover up the body..

in fact, you underestimated the bloating so now there’s a two and a half foot high body resting in a two foot grave resulting in a giant burial mound..

why not just roll the victim down to the police station in a wheelbarrow and ask the desk clerk for a burial permit..

come on murderers..

think!

it’s called burying..

not covering..

six feet is the standard..

and there’s probably some good reasons for that..

six feet gives you plenty of odor blockage..

keeps the dogs and other varmints out of your business..

but look.. i understand..

six feet is tough..

depending on your situation, you may be pushing daylight trying to get that deep..

there are probably even some places where you’re going to start hitting ground water at that depth..

so fine..

i’ll let you go four feet..

but that’s four feet FROM THE TOP of the body to the surface of the ground..

don’t dig a four foot deep hole and then throw your four hundred pound uncle in there..

in fact, i recommend you use this little mental trick on yourself..

tell yourself you’re going to dig the hole ten feet deep..

just keep that thought in your mind the whole time..

ten feet.. ten feet deep..

then, when you’re only halfway to ten feet and you’re thinking “i’m never gonna make it”, that’s when you stop tricking yourself and say “oh wow.. just another foot or so and i’m done..

try it a couple of times..

it sounds silly but i think you’ll be surprised how easily you can trick yourself like that..

especially if you’re a schizophrenic or similar type of murderer..

one final piece of advice..

buy a good shovel and learn to use it..

practice a little if you need to..

digging is hard work..

and it uses a completely different set of muscles than your normal everyday activities..

besides, if you practice digging enough in your backyard your neighbors will eventually get suspicious and start calling the cops..

and if enough neighbors call the cops on you enough times, eventually those cops are going to get tired of finding you doing nothing wrong and just stop answering the calls..

then you’re free to bury as many folks as you want to right there at your own home..

now just so i don’t start getting a lot email on this let me be clear..

i do not condone murder..

but if you are going to murder someone, do it responsibly..

use a little common sense..

that’s all i’m saying..

i missed two of my three run days this week..

i run on tuesday, thursday, and saturday mornings..

tuesday i was as sick as a dog..

thursday i was as sick as a dog that’s as sick as a person..

but i still wasn’t up to running..

today i was as sick as a dog that’s feeling ok but still has a lot of chest and sinus congestion..

i ran anyway..

because i am also about as smart as a dog..

i put in a little over four miles and left a trail of green slime every step of the way..

i had snot just pouring out of my nose, leaving both sleeves of my shirt looking like slices of freshly buttered bread..

and every half mile or so i would hock up a three or four pound bronchial biscuit..

it was kind of like someone poured a five gallon bucket of carpenter’s glue into my sinopulmonary system..

i feel quite a bit better now though..

my stomach’s a little queasy for some reason..

what’s that?

yours too?

that’s weird..

i saw a chevy blazer today with this in the rear windshield..

“479’s finest”

allow me to explain..

479 is the area code here..

and it is common in popular culture today for people to identify themselves by their area code..

for instance, in the rap film “8 mile”, eminem repeatedly refers to “the three one three”.. referencing his detroit neighborhood by area code..

there’s a gang in san fransisco called the 415s named after their home area code..

it’s a way of saying “here’s who i am.. i’m from this neighborhood.. if you’re looking for trouble.. you know where to find me..”

it makes sense if you’re trying to be tough and edgy and you live in a high population density area where an area code might identify a few blocks of turf..

so let’s have a look at the 479..

as you can see, this area code covers about five thousand square miles and around three hundred cities, towns, and bergs..

so yeah.. if you see 479’s finest cruisin’ the lane..

you better watch your step..

because he’s got a pretty big crew backing him..

i don’t know about you but i can’t see, hear, utter, or even think of the above phrase without following it with “one week since you looked at me..”

funny how a song can do that.. just completely lock something down and own it..

anyway, it’s been.. two years..

two years since i started running..

not exactly two years - two days from now will make it two years..

but hopefully two days from now i’ll have something better to write about..

tonight i spent forty minutes compiling a terribly libelous story about a former employer before realizing i probably had my facts mixed up..

no, it wasn’t you homer, or you tlb.. all of my stories about you two are backed up by concrete evidence..

this was about a restaurant guy from back in the day.. i’m pretty sure he was a coke addled maniac but that could have just been someone else’s take on the guy..

so we’ll keep that for another day..

which makes it “cracker started running two years ago anniversary night”..

what is there to say about that?

not much..

in that two years i’ve probably hoofed close to one thousand miles..

i think i’m on my fourth pair of running shoes so that would be about right..

i don’t run much faster or farther than i did a year ago, but that was never a goal..

in fact, i’m probably one of the more goal-less runners out there..

it’s kind of like my writing i guess.. my goal has been to do it.. so i do it..

i’ve only run a handful of “races” - a few 5k, one 10k..

i didn’t win any of them..

but i usually finished ahead of anyone pushing a stroller containing more than one child..

i think we all know those single kid strollers are practically an advantage.. i mean come on..

i like running..

i look forward to my run days..

it’s a habit, a discipline, and a pleasure all at the same time..

i lost fifty pounds by running..

and i’ve kept all fifty of it off while eating everything in sight..

so that’s good..

hopefully i can write a “four years running” post in a couple of years..

or just go ahead and blast my old scumbag restaurant boss for stuff he probably didn’t do..

either way..

stay tuned..

i am hearing a lot of talk about change lately..

especially in the political world..

there’s a guy running for president who seems to be pretty interested in it..

he’s selling a brand of change which can be “believed in” apparently..

i don’t like that..

i don’t want any change at all..

in fact, i’d vote to just keep everyone currently in office right where they are - all the way up and down the line..

i would..

but that would call for a change to the constitution..

and i am against that..

i demand no change whatsoever..

and i think the only way to assure there is absolutely no change is to elect either someone who is pushing for change or someone who isn’t..

because that’s been the only way to guarantee a lack of change in the past..

wouldn’t that be a sweet platform for a candidate though?

just have some guy stand up and say “i will not change a thing no matter what!”

“i will maintain the status quo in every conceivable way!”

“it is my solemn vow to take this country to the exact level it is currently at and keep it there for as long as i can!”

“i believe in today! and i will continue to believe in today tomorrow!”

man..

now there’s someone i could vote for..

a couple of different conversations in which i was involved over the last two days touched on a similar, somewhat interesting subject..

basically.. change..

the first conversation started with an open question from my statutory brother (sounds a lot worse than brother-in-law doesn’t it?)

the question was this: “what are man’s biggest discoveries or inventions?”

the only important answer is bacon of course..

but we thought of some others as well..

you know.. the wheel..

fire..

electricity..

stuff like that..

but when we came to the automobile we found ourselves amazed at how much this invention has NOT changed since the very early stages of its use..

essentially, almost all vehicles which exist today are just like the ones from a hundred years ago..

combustion engines turning gears..

sure, there have been advancements - automatic transmission, air conditioning, etc..

but still just a motor and wheels..

which brings me to the second “consider the changes” conversation..

the subject of this one was medical..

actually two subjects - arthroplasty and amputation to be exact..

if you’ve ever seen pictures of civil war battlefield hospitals you know things used to be slightly less sanitary when it came time to remove parts from the body..

oh and there was minimal reliable anesthetic back then..

chloroform and ether if it was on hand, and sometimes laudanum or morphine as post-operative pain relief..

so the general conclusion was the rate of change with regard to medicine has been pretty quick over the last couple of hundred years..

but some of the big joint arthroplasty performed today seems just about as brutal and archaic as anything performed at antietam..

if you don’t believe me, just head on over to youtube and do a search for hip replacement..

you’ll think you’re watching american chopper reruns..

i say all of this to simply ask this rhetorical question..

what do we do today that will be looked at as ridiculous in one or two hundred years?

i guess it doesn’t have to be rhetorical since you can comment..

and don’t say blogging..

that’s too obvious..