Brady’s Blog

the car i rented this week had xm radio..

xm has very few commercials, but the ones they do have are really bad..

lots of computer support, investment opportunities, just random bad ads..

yesterday i heard one for a male enhancement product..

now i realize this is a rather risque topic but the hook of this particular ad caught my attention..

it said they were offering a week’s supply for free..

which for me brought up a couple of questions..

like..

how often do you have to take this stuff? every day?

what happens if you take too much?

what happens when you stop taking it?

i mean, if you could actually make a pill that could control that..

and if you could talk people into taking it..

if you were any kind of businessman at all wouldn’t you make it where the minute you stop taking it a severe reverse effect takes place?

i mean.. sure.. eventually word is going to get around and people will stop buying it..

but the customers you do have are going to pretty much pay whatever you ask for as long as they’re alive..

that’s what i call a sound business plan right there..

according to the 2005 census numbers, there are more than twice as many people living in new york city as there are in the city of los angeles..

which tells me the census takers have no idea how many people live anywhere..

new york is a bunch of folks stacked on top of each other in one small area..

los angeles is a bunch of folks stacked on top of each other in one huge area..

you can drive three hours from downtown (granted, that’s only about eleven miles), and there are still just buildings piled on top of buildings everywhere..

they may not be stacked quite as high as new york, but they’re stacked for a thousand square miles..

i think census takers must be really susceptible to that optical illusion they used to show us as kids involving a tall, skinny glass of water vs a short, fat glass..

i don’t think they’re doing any census taking at all.. they’re just looking at pictures and succumbing to visual misconceptions..

as a result of four hundred million people living in one town, the traffic is ridiculous..

most towns have a morning rush hour and an evening rush hour..

l.a. has twenty two rush hours a day interrupted by a morning and evening stop hour..

seriously, to call that “drive time” is a bit of a stretch..

it’s more like “in the car” time.. there’s not much actual driving going on..

which makes it a little hard to get around for us visitors..

i rented a car with a gps.. so that helps..

but there’s a couple of features i’d like to see added to the gps which i think would add some value..

on the magellan unit my car has, there are options you can apply when building a route..

for instance, you can tell the computer to avoid freeways..

or.. you can tell it to avoid tolls..

i wish you could tell it to avoid places where people will shoot you for a dollar..

that would be nice..

call me a little sheltered, but i found myself in some very interesting neighborhoods a couple of times this weekend..

and i don’t know if it’s just me, but i swear the gps unit i have gets a little smart with me from time to time..

like it gets a little lilt to it’s voice.. and kind of questions me..

like this morning, in it’s little robotic female timber it said to me “.. in one mile, stay to the right.. followed by a.. left turn?”

as if to say “you do know what a left turn is right genius?”

and it always happens after i’ve missed a turn or wasn’t paying attention or something..

strange..

it’s like it knows i’m alone and wants to provide me with the constant oversight only a female can provide..

but after tomorrow i’ll be home..

and i won’t need a gps unit..

at least not for that..

i’m in los angeles for a few days for a conference..

most of the fires have been put out, but it’s still hazy and smoky..

so.. the air is bad..

in l.a.

shocking..

and..

you won’t believe this, but the traffic is also bad..

i know.. weird..

one thing to note about the traffic out here..

it’s called lane splitting..

oh.. you don’t know about lane splitting?

that’s ok.. you’re probably just from that part of the country where people have actual brains in their heads and common sense is the rule instead of the exception..

lane splitting is what motorcycles do out here..

and it’s legal..

and it’s just as smart as it sounds..

basically, if the traffic is stopped, motorcycles have the right to just drive between the cars..

or split the lanes..

nice, huh?

yeah, it’s pretty crazy..

you’ll just be sitting there in traffic and all of a sudden there’s a zip-zip sound in your ear as a couple of bikes go flying by..

insane..

tlb says it’s legal because they’ve proven that scenario is actually safer than having motorcycles sitting still on the freeway and getting rear-ended..

which is possible i guess..

it’s also possible the california legislature just likes the idea of having a giant motorcycle video game board built right into the freeway system..

another thing i don’t understand..

and i really don’t understand this..

if i’m in arkansas - or almost anywhere else for that matter - and i’m giving someone directions, if i tell that person to get on “the 540″, or “the 44″, he is going to think i have absolutely lost my mind..

i just say “get on 540″, or “take 44 to 59″..

no “the” needed..

but out here, it just makes sense to say “take the 405 to the 110 to the 10 to the 5″

what’s with the “the” there?

why wouldn’t i just say “take 405 to 110″, etc..

why does that make sense here and not anywhere else?

strange, huh?

and that my friends is what we call observation humor..

actually, now that i think of it..

maybe that’s just what we call observation..

i’m a geek..

i deal with computers and software and geekdom all day every day..

so usually when i sit down to write, the last thing i want to think about is computer stuff..

in fact, i don’t actually use a computer to write - i carve the words i want to say into a tree near our home..

then mrs. cracker takes a pen and paper into the woods each morning, finds that day’s tree, and transcribes my etching to paper..

then she takes that paper and types it in and uploads it to the website..

that’s probably why some stuff isn’t that funny - she messes it up somewhere in that process - everything on the trees is HILARIOUS..

so anyway, at the risk of leaving a huge void where tech blogging should be (if only someone on the internet would write about technology) i’ve chosen not to write about computer stuff much..

but i have had some people asking me lately about the new windows operating system..

it’s called vista..

here’s my official review of that product..

don’t buy it..

don’t use it..

if you buy a computer, pay the extra money to have xp put on it instead..

that’s right, that’s how bad vista is - you have to pay extra to NOT get it..

i think that pretty much says it all..

that’s like ford revealing the new mustang and selling it for $2500 less than last year’s model..

should tell you something..

claire - our youngest, just turned 4, was being silly with me at the dinner table tonight..

daddy: “i love you claire..”

claire: “i love you more!”

daddy: “no.. i love you more!!”

claire: “well i love you most!”

daddy: “no.. i love YOU the most!”

claire: “oh yeah.. well iloveyou-iloveyou-iloveyou!”

daddy: “well i love you a HUNDRED!”

claire (getting right in my face): “well iloveyou -iloveyou -iloveyou –BUUURP– iloveYOU a HUNDRED!!”

daddy: “oh my.. you win..”

my office has windows that go all the way to the floor..

behind our building is a field that is part of a cattle farm..

it’s not the wild wild west, but for being in the middle of town we do see a remarkable amount of wildlife..

we have a couple of cats that hang out around here - could have something to do with the cat food the ladies in the building leave outside by the back door..

there was a family of skunks but i think animal control took care of them..

opossum, squirrels, birds of every kind (for me that means black birds AND brown birds)..

and then, the other day..

this guy..

as always, terrible photography on my part - i just missed a shot of him with his front feet up on the glass staring in at me..

but.. even still..

i think you can see..

he’s a fine specimen..

ok.. total lark here..

i’ve had a couple of story ideas come to me lately..

i’m considering taking some time to work on those - but if i do that, well, there’s only so much time..

and i am really addicted to the sense of constant publication and production the blog provides me..

so i thought i’d just throw some fiction up here and see what it looks like..

this piece is scene one of a sitcom episode in which a father attempts to blackmail his son’s way onto the school basketball team by threatening to withhold the highly intelligent boy from a set of tests which would reflect negatively on his teacher and coach..

technically, this would be called a spec script i guess - that would be if i had any idea what a spec script was or how to write one..

anyway, like i said.. total lark..

————————————————————————————
scene opens with mom and dad in kitchen. mom is working on dinner, dad is mixing something in a bowl.

mom: “what are you doing?”

dad: “making some honey butter to go with that bread you’re cooking..”

mom: “having trouble getting that honey to butter ratio just right?”

dad: “eh.. getting pretty close.. little too buttery..”

he adds honey - and as the following scene plays out, we see dad adding more butter, then more honey, back and forth to the bowl he’s using to mix the two - to the point he’s obviously making way more than he needs..

boy walks in.. shaggy headed 13 year old..

dad: “hey there bud! you just now getting home from school?”

dad: “what’s benchmarks?” still stirring honey and butter and adding more of each..

boy: “it’s these stupid tests we have to take..”

mom: “david!”

david: “well.. they are..”

david: “really mom? the s-word? stupid is the s-word? do you realize i’ve been attending public schools for eight years? i know the real s-word..”

dad: “ok lenny bruce.. we get it.. now.. what’s so s-word about these tests?”

dad: “uh.. yeah.. ok.. dave, you wanna translate that for me?” finally dumping all of the honey into a bowl with all of the butter..

david: “she just means the only reason we have to take the tests is so the school can say they’re teaching us something - it’s more like a grade for them than a grade for us.. that’s why they want to make sure i’m studied up..”

dad: “i don’t get it.. what’s it have to do with you specifically?”

david: “i said skew dad.. skew..”

dad: “oh right.. skew.. yeah.. that’s no s-word..”

mom pulls food from the oven and heads out of the kitchen to the dining room..

dad: “so.. as far as your teachers are concerned.. it’s really important you should show up for these tests..”

david: “yeah.. totally.. if i look good they look good..”

dad: “and one of your teachers is the basketball coach right?”

dad: “hmm.. whatever.. just thinking..” now has a huge bowl of honey butter which he is stirring with a large wooden spoon..

david: “oh dad.. please don’t do that.. please do not ever, ever think.. by the way dad.. speaking of thinking.. you got enough honey butter there?”

dad: “i think so.. and it’s perfect.. you put this honey butter on some of mom’s homemade bread.. it’s gonna be the s-word!”

davied: “good one dad.. hey.. who’s lenny bruce?”

end scene
————————————————————————————

hmm..

i have no idea if that’s how you’re supposed to do that kind of writing or not..

but that was fun..

a wise man once said “it’s better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and prove it..”

i think that guy should have kept his trap shut..

our couch is white..

did i mention we have three children ages eight, six, and four?

yeah.. we’re pretty smart..

as davis - he’s the six year old - would say, mrs. cracker and i both “congraduated” from college, but the white couch may not have been our brightest moment..

in our defense, we bought this couch before we had those kids..

and so.. if you congraduated from math class, you now know we have a really old couch..

and if you know anything about kids you’ve probably guessed it’s not white anymore..

good guess..

it’s not quite black yet.. but it’s not white..

i remember shopping for this couch with mrs. cracker all those many years ago..

i think there was some dialog of this nature:

mrs. cracker: “i don’t know.. white? that’s just really going to show dirt..”

cracker: “well.. we don’t have kids yet.. and when we do.. we just won’t let them eat on it..”

which is about like saying “we’ll just keep the bulls on that side of the closet.. away from the china..”

doesn’t really work..

oh it worked for a while..

i remember scrubbing the first few spills off of it - using all kinds of cleaners and buckets of elbow grease..

now we just hope the latest stain goes well with the others.. like makes a pretty pattern at least..

now mrs. cracker is shopping slip covers for old ironsides..

seems like a pretty good idea to me.. it’s still super comfy.. just not that great to look at..

so she asked me tonight if i wanted to look at the swatches she had picked out..

once i realized she wasn’t talking about cheap plastic watches from the 80’s.. i declined..

mostly because i’m colorblind.. but also because i’m color deaf, dumb, mute, and crippled..

i wouldn’t have clue one about what color would look good..

except..

i don’t know..

maybe white..

i would just like to say..

to all of mankind..

what in the world took so long?

pig and chocolate.. it makes total sense!

pig is good..

chocolate is good..

put them together and you get?

gooder!

actually.. this isn’t history’s first instance of the bacon candy bar..

the first time it killed the dinosaurs..

at least they went out with a smile on their faces..

seriously, a new door is opened here.. a door which leads to pure joy and happiness..

in fact, the next time i grill pork chops i’m going to absolutely drown them in hershey’s syrup..

man that sounds good..

some of you may think i’m kidding about that last part..

about putting hershey’s on my pork chops..

rest assured i am not..

i never joke about pork..

i’ll let you know how it tastes..