Brady’s Blog

i attended a college football game this weekend..

arkansas razorbacks 66, north texas 7, yawns 194..

just the kind of game the hogs needed to regain their overconfidence..

had a good time though..

couple of things to note about this experience..

first of all, i realize many of these football stadiums were built when we as americans were quite smaller on the average..

but man.. talk about uncomfortable..

the guy next to me was quite literally twice as wide as the real estate for which he had paid..

which means now there are three people who have to pay for his indulgence over the last ten years..

him, me, and the guy sitting under his other cheek..

i don’t see why they can’t have a measurement at the gate like they do at amusement parks..

“you must be able to sit in this space to attend this game”..

secondly, let’s address the body paint..

if some of you want to paint your bodies in team colors and spell out the team name and all that, that’s just fine..

more power to ya.. go school.. or whatever..

but people.. seriously..

let’s paint those arm pits..

you’ve seen this right?

camera pans the student section..

there’s the group of four or five kids with their shirts off and all the body paint on with the letters on their chests..

and then they raise their arms and scream at the camera..

and all of a sudden all the eye can see is eight or ten arm pits jumping up and down like so many flying squirrels..

disgusting..

please paint the pits people..

lastly.. allow me to address the marching band..

now, if you’re one of the six people in america who actually somehow appreciate the music of a good marching band, please excuse these remarks..

but the rest of us are sick of it..

this is one of those things that is done completely for the sake of tradition..

it is a tradition kept alive simply for the sake of that tradition..

no one wants to see, hear, or smell a marching band for any other reason..

this has gnawed at me for a few years now.. and at this game i was kind of debating it back and forth in my head..

anti-band cracker: “oh boy.. halftime.. here comes the band.. i hate this..”

pro-band cracker: “hey.. it’s a tradition.. every school has been doing this for eighty years.. it’s part of the atmosphere..”

anti: “ok.. well.. it doesn’t sound very good.. and it looks like a bunch of fools walking around a football field carrying instruments for no reason..”

pro: “oh come on cracker.. it’s music.. just like any other music.. soothes the savage beast and all that..”

anti: “it’s terrible.. it’s a bunch of irrelevant instruments and meaningless movement thrown together in an attempt to distract people from their hunger and thirst to shorten the concession lines..”

pro: “now that’s just silly.. what about the drums? you know you like those drums..”

anti: “well sure.. the drums are cool.. i like that.. but come on.. a flag corps? what’s that about.. and batons? what in the world is the purpose of that? if there ever was a purpose to the act of twirling a baton it is long forgotten my friend..”

pro: “ok.. point taken on the batons.. but really.. if you just take sit back and take it all in and really watch and listen.. this sort of pageantry has its place here..”

and then the band played “it was almost like a song” by ronnie milsap and anti-cracker punched pro-cracker in the nose..

the bottom line is this.. if a school did away with the whole band thing, they could use that money to have absolutely anyone they wanted to play half time..

i promise you ronnie milsap would love the attention..

p.s.

speaking of bands, i should mention my most recent brilliant move..

i gave our drummer a fireman’s carry of the stage at church today..

just goofing around..

so my back is completely whacked.. i can barely stand up straight and just sitting or laying in almost any position is quite painful..

so smart..

raise your hand if you were allowed to.. or better yet.. encouraged to play with mercury as a kid..

i swear i remember a teacher letting us roll the stuff around in our hands..

if a teacher tried that today he would be hung by the neck until dead..

so the question came up today as a coworker and i were certainly not goofing off with another heavy metal..

(that stuff is a lot of fun.. cerrobend + soldering iron = hours of entertainment)

what is the substance which while assumed to be totally safe today, will turn out to be deadly hazardous at some point in the future?

my first thought was lettuce..

but on second thought, i realized i already am a little cautious around that stuff..

so.. i wonder..

is there anything that’s been around just long enough to be completely taken for granted but is new enough that it could be slowly killing us all and we just don’t know it yet?

cell phones?

other wireless stuff?

reality tv?

starbucks?

crocs?

oh man..

i bet that’s it..

i bet twenty years from now our kids will be like “..i wore those things all the time.. who knew they were made from the skin of diseased squirrels..”

p.s. just as a note here - i try not to blog about the blog - but i just realized readership is up slightly.. so.. i don’t know what’s going on.. but welcome to the new readers..

and to the rest of you.. seriously.. if you’re telling people to read this.. stop..

because eventually i’m going to have an “i saw what you said on your blog” moment..

and i just don’t need that..

our boys are starting to lose their baby teeth..

stew has dropped about four or five i guess and now davis has his first loose tooth..

it’s a bit traumatic for davis since he once saw a kid in stewart’s class accidentally swallow a tooth while eating a muffin..

he wouldn’t eat muffins for months..

i pulled a couple of stew’s teeth just with my fingers, and a couple of them with floss - the lasso and yank method i guess you’d call it..

i have a great idea for the two teeth that are loose in their heads right now but they won’t let me do it..

i want to tie some fishing line to each of their loose teeth and then tie that to the jeep..

and then just pop the clutch and snatch them out..

and of course film it and put it on youtube..

and then we’d always have that video..

and it would be something they could look back on in fifteen years and really get a kick out of..

i guess it would be kind of bad if i accidentally yanked their faces off or something..

but if that happened we could just delete it..

anyway, i think it would be a great stunt..

but davis is worried it will hurt.. and they’re both worried we’ll lose the teeth and they’ll be out their tooth fairy dough..

by the way, did the tooth fairy win the lottery or something?

either that or black market demand for human teeth is at an all time high..

because i know some houses where that dude is flat out laying down some scratch..

even at our house they’re going for a dollar a pop..

that’s four times what i made for mine..

and we are on the low end from what i understand..

ooo.. just thought of something..

i think i’ll tell them the tooth fairy pays double for any teeth pulled out by a jeep..

it’s raining today..

not a great jeep day really..

pretty bad jeep day in fact if you’re dumb enough to leave your doors and all the windows in the garage..

why yes.. i am that dumb..

thanks for asking..

i was actually getting away with it..

it was raining pretty steady but not blowing too hard..

and i had the top on of course..

so i was perfectly dry..

when about a block from work i got absolutely drilled..

i was sitting at a light.. waiting.. in the middle of a big puddle..

minding my own business..

a car went by me on my right side and picked up most of the puddle i was sitting in and deposited it in my passenger seat..

oh and um.. on me..

which, believe it or not i had not considered..

i was protected up top.. and was prepared to get wet if the wind kicked up.. that happens sometimes..

it just hadn’t occurred to me the water might come at me from the ground..

from now on i think i’ll watch out for this..

what’s that you say?

put the doors and windows on the thing when it’s raining you say?

well that’s a great idea my friend..

just one little problem there - if i had that kind of sense just what is it you think you’d be reading right now?

the all-the-smart-things-i’ve-done blog would be real enjoyable i’m sure..

i’m sure you’d love to hear about the time i didn’t choke on a guitar pick..

a lot of parents today are very anti-technology..

anti-tv, anti-computer, anti-video games, etc..

we’re not that way though we do try to limit that kind of stuff and make sure there is plenty of physical activity in any given day to go along with the time they’re plugged into the matrix..

like at least four minutes a week..

of good solid walking.. or sitting outside..

we’re not really that bad, but our kids definitely get plenty of techno/info/educational time..

and i don’t really have a problem with that..

i think it’s pretty important for them to be able to drag and drop as well as pick and roll..

i think the keyboard is as important as the diving board.. or the snowboard.. or the waterboard.. oh wait.. that’s a torture device..

that’s actually slightly less important..

anyway, the point is.. i think we’re going to have to cut back on some of the electronic influences..

here’s why..

claire is convinced swiper, a cartoon character from dora the explorer, has entered our home and started stealing her stuff..

she’s been waking us up at night (by ‘us’ i mean mrs cracker) telling us all about how swiper was in her room and how saying “swiper no swiping” won’t get rid of him, and he’s stealin her babies now, etc. etc..

ridiculous..

and she’s not the only one who’s having some reality crossover with the technical world..

davis and i were playing chess the other day..

daddy: “davis.. it’s your move bud..”

davis: “i’m thirsty..”

daddy: “well get a drink kid..”

davis: “ok.. um.. PAUSE!”

have you heard of this guy al gore?

apparently he used to be vice president..

then he lost a presidential election..

but it turns out as runner-up in that election he was granted the right to drive everyone crazy for the rest of his life..

that’s the consolation prize.. that’s what they give you..

oh and also.. if you lose a presidential election you’re automatically right about everything.. forever.. no matter what..

and no one is allowed to question anything you say ever again..

even if you say “i relinquish my right to be right about everything because i actually won the election” when everyone knows you lost.. you’re still right..

yesterday i saw al gore’s name above a list of five things you can do to save the world..

it was things you could buy.. like better light bulbs.. an electric blanket.. or something.. i don’t know what else..

i wasn’t really paying attention..

because the whole global warming/save the planet thing is lost on me..

i guess i just kind of feel left out of the debate on this really..

because i’m not a global warming alarmist/activist/advocate..

and i’m not a global warming denialist..

frankly, i have no idea if the planet is getting hotter or not..

i’m from the “so what if it is?” camp..

i’m just not that worried about it..

because frankly i’d rather see the world go up in a puff of smoke tomorrow than have to be lectured by people like al gore..

i mean if the planet we live on is eventually going to blow up.. or melt.. or disintegrate.. or whatever..

then what difference does it make if it happens next year or eight hundred years from now?

i would just as soon be around really..

seems like a pretty big deal.. i’d hate to say i died and missed it by three years because too many people changed their light bulbs..

besides, it just strikes me as something to worry about.. like.. just to worry..

i know.. i know..

this kind of puts me outside the center of popular thought..

but here’s the bottom line..

no one has ever saved the world before..

and maybe there is a first time for everything..

maybe some day somebody will save the world..

but seriously..

al gore?

i wonder..

have i finally exhausted my material?

this is supposed to be a repository of all the dumb things i’ve ever done..

but i think maybe i’ve listed them all..

surely not..

let me think..

think cracker.. think..

dig deep..

wait..

i’m getting something..

oh yeah.. i know what it was..

i choked on a guitar pick today..

that’s pretty dumb..

as you may know, hard rockers like me will often hold a pick in their teeth temporarily..

i had a pick in my mouth this morning at church during rehearsal when i said something hilarious (as i so often do)..

and this hilarious thing i said was just hilarious enough to crack me up and force me to inhale quickly..

and that guitar pick went straight to the back of my throat..

i didn’t think much of it for the first few seconds.. other than “should i swallow this thing or try to cough it up?”

then i tried to breathe.. and um.. i couldn’t..

and i couldn’t swallow it either..

it was just stuck there.. right in the back of my throat..

a lot of things went through my mind real fast then..

i saw a whammy bar laying on the floor and wondered if that would be a good tool to use to fish out a guitar pick..

i saw images of different members of the band trying to heimlich me..

i tried to remember if this scene had been in spinal tap..

all the while i was coughing, hacking, spitting, growling, and well.. choking..

so.. did anyone try to save me you ask?

well..

i think it says a lot about my behavior at rehearsals to say this - everyone thought i was just goofing off..

at least three of the seven or eight people there never even turned around..

and those that did just rolled their eyes and kept playing or singing..

and that’s how i’ll die.. one of these days..

something like that..

i’ll be choking.. or shot through the chest.. or have a knife in my back..

and everyone will be standing around.. half of them laughing.. the other half rolling their eyes in boredom and annoyance..

and wondering how i pulled off the turn purple trick..

but not this time.. no sir..

i finally gagged the thing up..

and it’s a good thing..

because as far as rock and roll deaths go, i think choking on a pick would be less than respectable..

a rock star is supposed to choke on his own puke..

or jump off a balcony..

or crash a car..

not choke on a guitar pick from laughing at his own comedy..

not long ago, stew and i had occasion to drive through our “old neighborhood”..

it’s not that old, of course.. stew is only eight..

but there was still some nostalgia there for me somehow..

anyway, i was noticing how things had changed.. and daydreaming.. and not paying attention to the speed at which i was driving.. which may have been slightly faster than legal..

daddy: “wow.. this side of town is changing fast.. look at all this construction..”

stew: “is this where we used to live?”

daddy: “yeah.. right over there.. right down that street.. man.. they have this whole side of town torn up..”

stew (looking at the speedometer): “uh-huh.. speed limit hasn’t changed though, right?”

ever heard the term “comes by it honestly”?

this is going to fall into a category of humor (or attempt at humor) of which i am frankly not that fond..

that would be the “men and women are curiously and hilariously different from one another” genre of humor..

this kind of comedy features such hits as “men don’t ask for directions” and “women like to buy shoes”..

and who could forget “women like to talk more than men”..

oh that one gets me every time..

so.. that being said..

what is it about being a female that makes it so impossible to keep a cell phone on your person?

gentlemen?

am i right about this?

women do not answer cell phones..

a woman’s cell phone is either lost, left in her car, sitting on the counter at home, or has a dead battery..

and she will still manage to rack up 4500 minutes a month..

on a phone that does not exist..

pretty amazing..

and funny thing..

i never hear women complaining about other women not having their phones handy..

so they’re answering calls from each other obviously..

i don’t know what set this off, but today i was struck by a heavy feeling of nostalgia for my first boombox..

i paid a pretty penny for it.. upwards of $129 as i recall..

but man, this thing was a beauty..

it wasn’t one of the great big ones, but it was plenty loud..

especially when i would take it to the pool, place the removable speakers on each side of my towel, kick back and crank up some tunage..

that was what made it a cool ghetto blaster..

the removable speakers.. oh man..

and i bet i took those speakers on and off of that thing about forty times a day..

because my speakers were removable baby..

that means they weren’t stuck sitting there right against the rest of the radio..

oh no sir..

they were just as happy when removed from the center unit, even up to as much as three feet from the center unit..

that is technology at work right there friends..

so sweet..