Brady’s Blog

back in the day when the original rubik’s cube craze was going strong my friends and i got into it pretty deep..

we all had our own cubes of course..

most of us had more than one.. i had one standard size and a couple of small ones..

i think i tried about twice to figure the thing out on my own and then someone showed up with a solution book and it was all over..

once we had the book it became all about speed - who could solve it the fastest..

we even went to such lengths as taking apart the cubes and lubing them with silicone or vaseline to make them smoother and faster..

i may have dreamt this but i think there was even a game show for about a week which featured rubik’s speed-solvers in action..

anyway, i don’t know where it came from but when i was moving my stuff from one office to another the other day i found a rubik’s cube..

i have so far been unable to complete it but i’m pretty close..

i resisted the temptation to google “rubik’s solution” and just tried to remember that which i had already cheated from the book twenty plus years ago..

and in fact, it all came back pretty quickly..

the top row was a piece of cake..

the second one went pretty easy too..

i had to really think about the third row but i have it pretty much down to fixing the corners..

which i’m pretty sure makes me a huge genius..

i can also do jigsaw puzzles..

and some mazes..

as long as i have read the book at some point..

read the book back then - came back to me some

too dumb to read online tutorials

speed cubing

vaseline

tearing them apart

game show

is it just me or are there more spider webs these days than there used to be?

maybe there’s more spiders, or maybe the spiders are just getting more ambitious..

maybe it’s a spider real estate boom..

who knows..

all i know is it seems like every time i turn around i’m pulling spider webs off of myself..

this came to a head for me personally the other morning when i was running a cross country track near my house..

it was a great morning for a run.. nice and cool..

it was early, and i was the first one around the track that day so as i reached the wooded part of the track i started hitting spider webs..

big ones..

that i could not see..

and they were everywhere..

before i had made it a couple hundred yards into the woods i was covered in spider webs and convinced i had spiders crawling all over me..

a couple of times i actually ran my face right into the spiders themselves and thought i was going to have a heart attack..

i’m sure the spiders were even more frightened than i was..

at least i hope so because i hate spiders..

i have absolutely no regard for their personal feelings..

if i could do something to continuously frighten and horrify every single spider on the planet, i would gladly do it..

as long as it did not involve hitting them with my face - not worth it..

anyway, after a quarter mile or so of running through the woods like the pretty girl in a slasher flick, arms flailing and basically freaking out, i finally decided to pick up a stick and use that to brush the webs away in front of me as i ran..

so then i looked like the pretty girl in a slasher flick running through the woods swinging a stick wildly in front of her..

completely ridiculous..

but i couldn’t bring myself to turn around and go back..

i just couldn’t let the spiders win i guess..

the nightmare ended when i finally crossed paths with a guy running in the opposite direction..

he looked pretty happy to see me too..

i was visiting with an individual the other day who had been dealing with a discrepancy on his phone bill..

i’ll give you two guesses as to whether they OVER billed him or UNDER billed him..

for all the ‘glitches’ and ‘errors’ that just randomly happen whenever a telco bills someone, isn’t it just a great big beautiful christmas miracle no one ever gets charged LESS than the amount actually owed?

what are the odds?

because it’s always just an honest mistake you know..

or just some random error in the software..

a glitch.. a bug..

oops..

sorry..

we’ll take care of that right away..

if you’re willing to spend enough time and energy to first bring it to our attention and then convince us we’re in error..

if you do all that, AND if we kind of feel like it.. then sure.. we’d be happy to refund your money..

just give us about six weeks..

p.s. if you can find a headline or blog post title worse than “hey, bungle those bills” i’ll give you six dollars..

dear everyone,

let us please find some other way of describing things that are numerous besides asking people to stack them end to end..

if you produce twenty four thousand honeybuns per hour, just say that..

don’t say “if you stacked them end to end they would reach from london, kentucky to london, england..”

just say “twenty four thousand”

we get it.. we understand that number..

there is no one sitting there thinking “gee, i wonder if twenty four thousand honeybuns is a lot of honeybuns.. if only i knew how far they would stretch across the earth if stacked end to end.. oh.. london to london you say? well my goodness! i guess that IS quite a few honeybuns!!”

or the moon and back.. that’s always a crowd pleaser..

“that’s enough fiber optic cable to reach to the moon and back twelve times..”

that’s all fine and good, but what if i only understand fiber optic cable length in terms of how it relates to honey buns?

like “that’s enough fiber optic cable to accompany a stack of honey buns to the moon and back twelve times!”

i think i’ll actually just start ordering stuff using this same system..

“yes, i’d like to order some fiber optic cable.. ok.. are you ready? i need enough fiber optic cable to go to the moon and back .00034 times..”

seriously people..

enough already..

just say the number - if we want to know how far they’ll go, we can stack them ourselves..

for any new readers, i think i should restate the premise of this blog..

it’s been a while since i’ve done so and i do know of at least a couple of folks who are reading pretty regularly who might not know what the story is here..

here’s the deal..

a couple of years ago (i just looked it up and we’re a few days shy of exactly two years) i challenged myself to write something funny every day and see how long i could stick with it..

the idea being not to have some side-splitting, hilarious tale to tell every twenty four hours, but just to see if i could produce some kind of material on a regular basis, prose or dialog, that could on some level be considered comedy..

i wrote just about every single day for a full year, missing a slot every few months or so usually by accident or utter lack of internet connectivity..

since then i’ve been on six days a week - basically giving myself the option of writing on saturday or sunday instead of both, which has worked well for me..

the first six months were gravy because all i did was tell on myself about every embarrassing or foolish thing i did growing up..

ok.. maybe the first eight months..

since then i’ve had to work a little harder for subject matter but i’ve developed some tools and a mildly reliable system for doing so..

also, i have three kids, and as everyone knows kids are humor mills.. so there’s always something to be gleaned there if i pay attention..

oh and i learned the ancient chinese secret which states “comedy is that which precedes two dots..”

so that makes it easy too..

but sometimes i like a real challenge when it comes to a comedy topic..

and let’s face it, there are few things in this world less funny than dogfighting..

so here goes..

i couldn’t care less about michael vick..

as a person.. as a football player.. the guy just does not matter to me..

i mean, he’s a great athlete.. and a handy guy to have on your fantasy team..

but other than that, not someone i spend a lot of time thinking about..

but the story surrounding him has really been interesting and compelling to me simply because of the magnitude and scale of the disaster his life has become so quickly..

one moment he is an expert in his field, admired and adored, compensated financially to the point of utter independence of monetary worry..

the next moment he faces incarceration, financial destruction, professional decapitation, and disgrace..

and for what?

dogfighting..

to which i can only say..

i have GOT to try dogfighting..

because it must be a blast..

i mean, here’s a guy who had all the ways and means imaginable at his disposable to get into any kind of trouble he wanted to..

he could have had lady trouble.. he could have been into partying.. he could have had any crazy vice he wanted..

if he wanted to throw his life away on illegal intergalactic spaceship drag racing, he could have afforded to have that be his hangup..

but he chose dogfighting..

strange..

it just strikes me as about the least fun one could possibly have doing something illegal..

“hey man!! you wanna party and have some fun!! let’s get crazy!! let’s see if our dogs will kill each other!!”

crazy..

and all the trouble you have to go to..

what a mess that must be..

dogs are enough trouble to deal with just having them as pets, i can’t imagine all the cleanup involved in having them eat each other and then slaughtering the ones that lose..

and i’m always amazed at what people will think they are going to get away with..

i mean, here’s michael vick.. michael VICK.. hanging around the dog fights..

this isn’t like some second string defensive end stopping by one time to put a twenty down on his cousin’s dog..

this is THE DUDE running the thing out of his HOUSE..

like nobody will ever find out..

brilliant..

i just hope the kids out there will learn from this..

because this is honestly a disgusting thing to come to light..

so kids..

please..

take heed and listen up..

seriously..

cats..

both of our boys like to play chess..

stew is pretty good - he has very nearly beaten me twice..

i’m no bobby fischer but i do know how to play and i don’t let the kids win..

i will occasionally let them turn the board around, but i have never tried to deceive them by letting one of them think he’s beaten me when he hasn’t..

stewart has accused me of doing this a couple of times because of some exceedingly foolish move or another, but i have not..

i should also say claire is the exception to this thus far because she is not really playing yet - she can almost setup the board, but other than that all she does is grab a piece at random and use it to knock over the opposing king..

oh and yell “CHECK MATE!”..

and then giggle uncontrollably..

anyway, davis and i were playing tonight..

davis: “daddy.. how did you learn to play chess?”

daddy: “maw-maw taught me..”

davis: “how did maw-maw learn to play?”

daddy: “well.. someone taught her to play.. probably her daddy..”

davis: “and how did he learn?”

daddy: “someone taught him also..”

davis: (while castling - a move that ironically has only been around a few hundred years) “i think somewhere back there somebody just made this up..”

daddy: “i’d say you’re right big d.. i’d say you’re right..”

it was about 20 months ago when i wrote about mom being sick and having trouble with what i brilliantly identified as her “gal bladder“..

well the bladder o’ gall (would make a good name for an irish pub - “aye clancey’s down at tha bladder o’ gall again”) will no longer be a problem for her as it was removed today..

she’s doing quite well and the doctor says she can begin overdoing it and ignoring all post-operative instructions right away..

actually the word is no spicy or greasy food for six weeks, which frankly caused me to lose all faith in modern medicine..

i mean, if you can’t eat decent food without this gall bladder thing then sign me up for a replacement should mine ever fail..

don’t completely remove an important part of the body like that just because it’s getting a little behind in its duties..

throw a refurbished one in there and let’s get back to some tacos carne asada and cheese dip..

anyway, mom is home resting and seems to be complication free..

feel free to call her and chat about brisket and bacon cheeseburgers and onion rings..

she would enjoy that..

listen up waiters and waitresses..

i have waited on many a table in my day..

and i’ve been on the other side of the flare quite a bit as well..

and i feel justified handing out these tips because i’m one of the few people who are going to reward you with the other kind of tip regardless of the level of service you provide..

so here we go..

1. the first two minutes and the last two minutes are the most important - people want a drink when they sit down, people want to pay their bill and leave when they’re finished..

2. eye contact - bad waiters avoid eye contact for fear of being asked for something - good waiters make eye contact with all tables every time out so they can consolidate..

3. consolidate - you ARE going to have to do everything everyone at every table wants you to do - you might as well do two or three things at once and get it over with..

4. keep your mouth shut - don’t ask questions just to ask questions - “is everything ok?” no.. it’s not.. everything was ok until you decided to interrupt my hilarious anecdote to ask the most annoying, insincere, over-asked, meaningless question in the history of language..

5. blame it on the kitchen - if you forget to ring something up or you order the wrong food for someone, blame it on the kitchen.. but be honest with the kitchen staff - just tell them.. “hey.. i’m hangin this one on you guys - i owe you one..” believe me, back of the house staff will understand - they are not depending on someone’s tip.. it’s cool..

6. take it easy - you are not working at a nuclear reactor - the worst that happens is someone has a disappointing meal.. big deal.. relax..

7. pay attention - this sounds easy but when combined with number 6 it pretty much covers it.. relax and think about what is happening - if you just said the words “i’ll bring you a side of ranch”.. guess what you should do.. you should bring a side of ranch..

that’s it..

7 easy rules..

do those things and you will definitely still hate your job because you are WAITING TABLES..

it’s miserable by design - you’re doing the work of a servant - it’s not supposed to be enjoyable..

but at least you’ll survive..

things have been a little crazy at work for me the last couple of weeks..

normally i’m pretty low profile - being the I.T. guy at a medical facility is a pretty quiet gig until something breaks or something needs to get upgraded or changed..

we’ve been going through a big software upgrade this week so i’ve been knee deep pretty much from dawn to dusk for some number of days now..

one of the things that happens when you’re busy, especially in the medical world, is you get paged..

so i got paged a LOT today..

like this..

“cracker, please come to the simulator, cracker to the simulator please..”

and i was thinking..

who decided on the two times thing?

what makes two the perfect number of times to page something over a paging system?

why not three?

like this..

“cracker, please come to the simulator, cracker to the simulator please, cracker, please come to the simulator..”

i bet if you paged someone like that people would absolutely go insane..

i think i am going to have to try that.. just to see..

“dr. williams, please dial 203, dr. williams, please dial 203, dr. williams, please dial 203..”

man.. seriously.. heads would explode from simply hearing that extra phrase..

oh.. wait.. just thought of one better..

i’m going to try this one tomorrow..

i’ll do the three times thing.. but i’ll say three different things..

“dr. williams, please call 203, dr. williams please call 508, dr. henry, dr. williams on 301..”

aquafina has introduced a brilliant new marketing campaign..

i actually saw one of their commercials on tv the other day..

the same theme is in play on the website i linked to above - you can even watch that tv ad there if you like..

the gist of it is this..

they filter their water..

a LOT..

like.. over and over again..

seven times to be exact..

that’s right, they filter the water seven times..

which really tells me they have some pretty terrible filters..

i mean, if you’ve run that water through a filter five or six times and there’s still something there to be filtered.. well.. at some point i think you might as well just pour it back and forth between two cups for all the actual filtering you’re doing..

or maybe the water starts out so unbelievably filthy dirty they are forced to filter it that many times just to make it drinkable..

the first three times through the filter is just to get the leaves and rocks and dead animals out of it i guess..

then the fourth and fifth times through make it kind of clear..

and by the seventh time you can’t even tell it was raw sewage just a few short hours before..

boy am i thirsty..