Brady’s Blog

joe’s - they sell crab legs - crab legs are awesome, almost impossible to screw up crab legs..
part 3 - it’s a mob movie, with al pacino, built on the foundation of two of the greatest films ever - what could go wrong?

part 3 - andy garcia - wait.. what? what part of italy brought forth the garcia clan? latin is latin i guess is the point here?
joe’s - your waiter or waitress - not getting enough hours at denny’s? just not quite a-list material..

joe’s - flies.. granted, we sat outside.. but seriously.. the place was just covered with flies.. they make sprays for this joe..
part 3 - faces - from al himself to keaton to joe mantegna to george hamilton of all people - no characters, just faces..

part 3 - sofia bleeping copolla - you can just hear the giant record needle go brrrreeeeeenkkk the second her face is shown.. and then she starts speaking.. yikes..
joe’s - waiter next to our table - spilled entire tray of drinks, carried the tray full of spilled soda over to our table and poured it out over the railing right next to us, splashing it everywhere, and never even went back and got the mess cleaned up.. and he was ugly and had weird lips..

so.. as you can see, it’s hard to say for sure which is worse, but both are so incredibly disappointing i think it’s fair to relate them..

oh, and i need to note here..

this is an inside joke..

and i’m not sure how often this person reads this blog but..

since john savage was in godfather 3..

that reminded me..

ROARY!! ROARY!!

i honestly can’t decide which is worse..

the godfather part 3, or joe’s crab shack..

i experienced both this weekend and both left my mind boiling..

anyone else had experience with these two?

care to weigh in?

i’ll detail my opinions later..

i don’t watch letterman too much any more so i don’t know if they still do this or not, but they used to occasionally run a quirky kind of top ten list..

the premise would be top ten things that are either “blank” or “blank”..

with the two blanks being completely unrelated circumstances..

and the answers would mostly just be random items that fit either category, with the occasional crossover item that could possibly be in both lists.. (in other words, some setups, some things that just sound funny, and some zingers..)

those were some of my favorite top ten lists although i can’t remember any specific examples right now..

anyway, i was thinking it would be fun to try to write a top ten list in that vein..

i also learned recently how the top ten is usually written..

it’s basically the last thing completed by the writing staff - often not even begun until the final hour before the show airs..

so.. i didn’t spend a lot of time prepping for this though the idea did come to me earlier today..

hear goes..

top ten things that are either medical procedures or things to do at the lake:

number 10. Skipping Stones.

9. Trolling for Crappie.

8. Thoracic Aortic Aneurysm Repair.

7. Breaking Water.

6. Noodling.

5. Running Trot Lines.

4. Macroscopic Urinalysis.

3. Belly Floating.

2. Digging for Worms.

and the number one thing that is either a medical procedure or something to do at the lake..

1. Pulling the Tube.

(applause.. applause.. applause..)

one of the elementary schools i went to was called rountree elementary..

that’s not a typo - it wasn’t “ROUNDtree”, it was “ROUNtree”..

like all schools we had our share of kids with “behavior disorders”..

that’s what they called them back then..

or simply B.D. kids..

which worked out real well for me since my initials are B.D.

there was one kid there we called the hawaiian..

we called him that because whenever he’d start freaking out it sounded like he was screaming “haaaawwwaaaaaiiiii!!!”..

as if he were longing for his island homeland..

this usually happened when they had him in the rountree hold..

a teacher would implement the rountree hold by grabbing a B.D. by the wrists from behind and pulling the arms up, back, and across the chest..

this offered the rountree holder a way to restrain the B.D. without getting too much spit in the face..

i also found this technique worked very well on little brothers..

what is it about operating a motor vehicle that makes one feel the need to pick one’s nose?

the two activities just seem to go hand in hand..

like “here i am driving an automobile.. i might has well have at least one finger in my nostril harvesting the latest crop..”

and honestly.. that’s all fine..

we all do it..

we know..

we dig and drive..

that’s fine..

but let me just say this..

there are some folks out there in the world today who think they’re clever..

they think they’re getting away with something..

and i’m here to call them out..

they’re the people you see driving with their left arms out the window, rubbing one or two fingers against their thumbs as if we don’t know what’s going on..

just because we didn’t catch you in the act of nasal spelunking doesn’t mean we don’t recognize the discrete discard disco your fingers are doing out the driver’s side window..

you’re booger-littering..

we know it..

why else would you be twiddling digits out in the road wind?

what, were you working on a craft project and got some elmer’s on your fingers?

while you were driving?

i don’t think so..

you were picking your nose..

we know..

it’s cool..

i’ve been at my new job a couple of months now..

it’s a lot different from my old job but equally enjoyable i’d say..

i really like it..

i’ve been lucky enough to have a stretch of over 8 years now where i literally look forward to going to work almost every day..

like everything else in my life, i pretty much take that for granted..

one of the ways the new job is different is there’s more “corporate” stuff that happens..

for instance, at my old job i would not have been asked to fill out a form entitled “Employee Information for Newsletter and Press Release”

but at the new job.. well.. that kind of thing happens sometimes..

not a big deal.. just the basics - previous employment, list your kids and your spouses name, etc..

but then they drop the hammer..

and i’m asked to list.. that’s right.. the dreaded..

hobbies..

hobbies?

who has hobbies?

i mean, there’s things i like to do.. but hobbies?

i mean, the word hobby makes it so official..

like.. if you list golf as a hobby.. you better be playing some good golf or you’re just a complete loser..

or let’s say you list hiking as a hobby.. that’s one you see a lot..

hiking..

“bills hobbies include hiking and rafting..”

really?

really bill?

how often do you hike? once, twice a year?

that’s not a hobby.. that’s an occasion..

and it’s impossible to identify any interest which might approach the level of hobby-hood without sounding utterly pretentious or foolish..

for instance, i put “boating” down as a hobby today when i filled out that form..

boating..

how does that sound?

i might as well have listed “yachting, baccarat, and thwarting international criminal masterminds” as my hobbies..

it’s just so silly..

there’s just no good way to answer the hobby question..

or so i thought..

then, ironically, right after i filled out that form, i discovered the best way possible to fill out such a form..

i read it in a blog post..

(cracker’s hobbies include reading blogs)

it’s described in the link above, but here’s how it works..

you go to google and you type in your name followed by the words “likes to”..

and you hit search..

but you have to have the whole thing in quotes to make it work right usually..

so it’s “cracker likes to” as the search string..

get it?

and from now on, i expect all the hobbies on all the forms to be filled out using this method..

for instance..

mine would read “.. likes to indulge in fine liquor, fine cigars, and finer women..”

see..

much better than boating..
——

p.s. the above “likes to” came from using my real name, but i went ahead and tried it with “cracker” also..

“Cracker likes to hang out with people at all times and loves to take walks. He will be a wonderful companion for adults but should not go to a household with children.”

wow..

that one nailed it..

this post should serve to paddle us back into the middle of dumb-things-cracker-has-done creek..

it’s about a game we used to play called 500..

it’s a baseball game..

here’s how it works..

one person is the batter..

the batter is responsible for.. yes.. batting..

he just tosses the ball up to himself and hits balls to the other players..

the other players are all competing to become the batter by being the first to achieve a score of 500 points..

the points are awarded thusly:

100 points for a ball caught in the air..

50 points for any ball still moving - bouncer, grounder, or barely rolling at all..

-100 points for a dropped fly ball..

-50 for missing or fumbling a grounder..

so..

if you drop a fly ball but pick it up while it’s still rolling, you’ve lost 50 points..

if you touch a bouncing ball but don’t get it and someone else does, or you miss it and don’t get to it before it stops.. minus 50..

and so on..

first to 500 gets to hit..

sounds harmless enough, right?

well, the problem is there’s kind of no fouls called or anything..

so, if a line drive is coming at you, chances are the other 6 or 7 fielders are converging on your location about as fast as the ball..

and they have every intention of either catching it themselves or making sure it hits you somewhere besides your glove.. preferably your ear or your kidney..

so it ends up being part baseball and part 12th century warfare..

oh.. and we often played with golf balls instead of baseballs..

because baseballs can actually be seen while in the air.. so that takes some of the fun out of it..

but you launch a golf ball with an aluminum bat and it is just gone..

and all you can do is just stand there at stare at the sky and hope you’re in the right place during that .04 seconds between the time the ball becomes visible and when it smacks into whatever is in its way..

and that’s what made our brand of 500 so intense..

the level of violence was always high enough to really generate a lot of incentive to score quickly and become the batter..

it was just so much safer holding the bat..

and the batter got to whack the other players with golf balls..

which is fun..

so yeah.. anyway..

as for dumb things..

i’d say that’s on the list..

don’t let it bother you if you don’t know who keith olbermann is..

most people probably don’t..

i won’t bore you with a lot of detailed history..

i think it’s enough to say he’s a guy on msnbc who used to be on espn..

that pretty much describes him..

he had about a 5 year run on sportscenter, co-hosting with dan patrick back in the day..

and he has been setting world records for mediocrity ever since..

and i’ve let it go for quite a while since he’s been pretty easy to ignore..

but the other day i suffered an injustice at his hand that simply will not go unpunished..

it was a brief but blatant assault on my intelligence which was absolutely unnecessary and disgusting..

here’s what happened..

i was watching msnbc.. i don’t remember what show..

and they ran a promo for keith’s show..

basic stuff, shots of him smiling and just generally running his yapper..

and then.. it happened..

they showed him spinning in his chair, just kind of mugging it up, and he threw a wadded up piece of paper at the camera..

it was all i could do to keep from throwing up..

there are only two explanations for this..

either some genius producer said “ok.. let’s get a shot of keith throwing a wadded up piece of paper at the camera..”, or he came up with that himself..

either way, it’s pathetic and insultingly cliche’..

obviously the viewer is supposed to see that and think “wow.. this guy is so carefree and crazy!! what a renegade!! he just takes paper and throws it right at us!! he almost GOT me with that one!!”

come on..

i guess the good thing about the trash toss scene and the rest of that promo is it does an excellent job of echoing what you will actually see if you tune into his show..

that’s pretty much the quality of the product right there..

everything is guaranteed to be that well thought out and professional..

and believe it or not, he has political views just as maverick as throwing debris at the camera..

that’s right, keith is staunchly antiwar..

oh yeah, he’s wild.. he can throw around accusations of treachery and incompetency at the bush administration like nobody’s business..

isn’t that bold and maverick of him?

how did he even come up with that?

i mean, there’s all the other people on tv saying how awesome war is and what a perfect job they think president bush is doing, and here he comes with this totally opposite view..

i guess some folks just think outside the box..

of course, it’s easy for him..

all he has to do is wad the paper up and throw it..

then, after the shot, some poor cameraman or page has to come along and clean up his mess..

i’m sure that guy is like “ok keith.. we get it.. you’re out there on the edge.. real cute..”

same thing with the politics.. he just has to throw trash..

he doesn’t have to actually come up with any kind of plan to actually do anything..

or solve any problems..

just throw stuff around..

because he’s such a thinker..

such a genius..

and poor dan patrick.. man.. he’s been saddled with this guy for 20 years and can’t seem to get rid of him..

keith has been back on dan’s radio show now for quite a while i think (i don’t really follow it because it’s awful.. i’ve tried.. believe me.. bad radio)..

and now dan is leaving espn..

gee.. i wonder why..

he’s probably hoping satellite radio offers better security at their studios.. to keep people like keith out..

there was even a story going around that dan might take the price is right job since bob barker is leaving..

keith would probably even try to weasel his way into that deal..

they’d be shooting a show the first week..

and dan would be thinking “finally i’m rid of that goober..”

and then he’d hear

“keith olbermann.. COME ON DOWN!!”

i’ve mentioned reid landis before..

we went to high school together..

in fact, the post i linked to there was enough to put me 5th in the results list of a google search for “reid landis”..

this one should move me to the top unless reid is arrested in connection with a string of murders or releases a hit album..

toss a coin for probability measurements there..

anyway, i mentioned reid’s car before, but i don’t think i did it justice..

all i said was it was some kind of beat up old 70’s car..

that’s just not enough to allow you to appreciate what an enormous hunk of scrap this car really was..

i have no idea what the make or model was of this thing..

but it was hideous..

it was high school.. and you’re supposed to have an ugly car in high school..

but this thing was ridiculous..

the paint was basically gone.. it was colored primer gray and black and orange and had a big peace symbol spray painted on the hood..

there were all kinds of other things painted on it but they were so poorly done most of them were illegible.. just a sloppy mess of primer and paint and spray paint that made it look like it was designed to be some kind of al qaeda urban assault vehicle..

i honestly believe if you set out to get this car stolen you couldn’t do it..

if we had parked that car in the middle of the worst neighborhood in st louis or detroit or l.a. with the keys sitting on the drivers seat, we would have returned to find the keys missing..

and in place of the keys there would be a note that said “thanks for the sweet key chain.. sorry about your car..”

i’d like to tell you i stayed away from actually riding in reid’s car, but there was a stretch of time where the lights on my toyota supra would go out randomly..

so for a while there, we cruised in reid’s car at night..

which is about the only time you’d want to be seen in reid’s car..

so anyway, reid landis had a terrible car..

so now you know about that..

and he’ll google himself one of these days and the first result will be this post..

so..

you know..

sorry about that reid..

i have seen my share of t-ball games..

it’s quite a bit of fun to watch, really..

exciting and fun but without the pressure that tends to show up in the older age leagues..

after witnessing the t-ball careers of both of our boys, i’ve determined there are essentially 4 kinds of t-ball players..

first there is little johnny sunshine

johnny is clueless when it comes to the rules of baseball or the object of the game of baseball - in fact, johnny generally doesn’t realize there is a baseball around when the baseball game is going on..

he’s there for the sheer pleasure of outdoor activity..

the fresh air.. the grass.. the dirt..

this is the kid you’ll see picking up handfuls of dirt and throwing it up in the wind, choking the other players as well as the umpire and all the parents with his homemade sandstorm..

still, it’s best to play johnny in the infield somewhere, as any position played in the grassy area provides too much of a temptation to simply lie down in the grass and stare at the clouds..

second comes joe hustle

joe may not know everything about baseball, but he’s eager enough to learn.. and he plays hard..

outside of a possible stint in the soccer world, this is his first athletic endeavor, so he’s not the most coordinated cat in the world, but he has guts..

he runs after every ball, he swings as hard as he can, and he slides at every base.. in fact, sometimes he slides even when there is no base in sight..

next comes jack dimaggio

jack doesn’t have a whole lot more knowledge of the game than joe does, but he’s got talent..

he’s fast, he has a great arm, and he just seems to have been born with the a strong bat-swinging gene..

he doesn’t take 21 practice swings, and he doesn’t seem to put a lot of thought into anything..

he’s just good.. he’s just a ball player..

lastly comes jimmy ruth..

he thinks he’s a pro.. he thinks he’s the babe..

he always wears not one but two batting gloves..

he gets a “home run” about every time up because he refuses to stop running no matter what the coach says..

he seldom throws the ball, not wanting to trust any part of the game to anyone but himself..

so he runs from base to base chasing every runner..

and every ball is his ball..

if he’s playing third, and the ball is hit to second.. have no fear.. he’s all over it..

and every parent at the game would despise little jimmy ruth if we could get over the pity we have for him..

when we get a load of his parents..

and we say “oh.. well.. at least he has baseball..”