Brady’s Blog

throughout each day i try to remind myself of topics about which i would like to write, or note to myself humorous moments, or phrases, or events..

one of the things i’ve been trying to remind myself of for some time now is the fact i had an extremely high grade, extended duration fever when i was very young..

usually it goes much like the way it went today..

we were sitting around and someone said “so and so had a fever of 106 last night..”

and then i said “no way.. you can’t have a fever that high..”

and then my mom said “yours was that way every night for a while there when you were sick..”

and i said “oh yeah.. i forgot about that.. i should write about that..”

and then i told myself “i really need to write about that.. ok cracker.. just remember the word fever..

fever

fever

fever..”

and then i forgot about it..

but not before i managed to make it to my notebook and get it jotted down..

i think one of the reasons i have trouble remembering things like that is because i had an extremely high grade, extended duration fever when i was very young..

did i mention that?

apparently it was a pretty big deal..

the docs thought i had leukemia or something..

ended up being pneumonia and who knows what else..

as i write this i imagine a wave of understanding and recognition washing over the reader..

something like “well, knowing his brain was poached as a baby.. that certainly does explain a lot..”

and many are probably thinking “i wonder if the other dim-witted jerks i know all had fevers at a young age..”

dad said they had to put me in an ice bath and the whole bit..

i think they did that to bring down the fever i had..

when i was very young..

it was of extended duration..

and very high grade..

i really need to write about it one of these days..

fever..

fever..

fever..

anyone hear about this iphone thing?

apparently it’s a cell phone.. but it’s also an ipod..

i think that’s why they call it an iphone..

sounds good to me..

let’s see.. 4 gig ipods are like $200..

and phones are pretty much free..

so surely these things can’t be more than $250 or so..

i think i’ll go get one..

on monday..

that way i can be like the first one ever to have one..

i hope it works on alltel..

if not i’ll just ask alltel real nice if they’ll let me out of my contract..

i’m sure they won’t care..

ok..

this one is tricky because it’s a bends toward the indelicate..

so i thought it would be fun to see if i can write it in such a way that the adults will get the joke and any kids reading will be left unharmed..

it’s a simple joke that would be told in much simpler (if less acceptable) language in a different setting.. technically, i guess it falls under the category of observational/recognition humor..

it goes something like this..

i don’t believe i could enjoy spooning were i not male..

i believe as a member of the fairer sex, i would find the existence of someone in such close proximity to my posterior more than a little unsettling..

especially considering the fact the subject disposed to my anterior would have ample opportunity to trespass, violate, and contravene..

and would also be possessed with every possible incentive to do just that..

yes, i think i would find that about as relaxing as being held at knifepoint..

not how i would want to watch a movie..

i don’t know if you’ve been following the drama surrounding the upcoming nathan’s hot dog contest but here it is in a nutshell..

every 4th of july, they have a hot dog eating contest out on coney island..

most dogs downed in 12 minutes wins..

i always make a point to have this on when everyone is around simply to see mrs. cracker gag/mouth-puke at the sight of people soaking hot dog buns in water and eating them..

the current champ is a japanese guy named kobayashi..

i don’t know if he likes hot dogs or not, but last year he ate 53 and half of them for his sixth straight title..

this is only made more amazing by his physical appearance as he looks like he weighs about 120 pounds..

up until about two weeks ago, it appeared he was unbeatable..

but then american joey chestnut stepped up to the plate (literally) and knocked down 59 dogs at the southwest regional out in arizona..

right after that, word came out that kobayashi had sustained a jaw injury (can you say “comes with the territory”?) and would be unable to compete at this year’s nathan’s..

the timing of that announcement led some (this reporter included) to believe kobayashi was simply scared of finally being knocked off the hill of which he has been king for so long..

but wait..

now he says he’ll be there..

he’s in..

it’s on..

he’s not afraid..

the suspense!!

i simply cannot stand it!!

this is truly an amazing sport..

if you think about it, the athletes in this sport are farther separated from the general population in talent than the stars of any other sport..

what i mean is, it’s conceivable that i might go on a tear and make 10 3-pointers in a row in a basketball game, but there is NO WAY i could toss back 59 hot dogs..

heck, i only managed 51 nuggets and those were little bitty dudes..

59 hot dogs..

man..

“i just ate 29 hot dogs.. i’m almost half way there..”

and somebody at nathan’s this year is going to eat 50+ dogs and lose..

ouch..

both of our boys are playing baseball this summer..

stew is playing machine pitch and davis is in his first season of t-ball..

some of our friends play spring or fall ball but we feel those seasons don’t provide the spectator with enough opportunity to sweat and swallow dust.. so we’re summer leaguers..

the brand of baseball these kids play is an absolute blast to watch..

it’s a complex operatic scene of players dashing from point to point on the field, chasing one another and the ball seemingly at random, and absorbing the meaningless menagerie of screams from the bleachers - all while doing everything in their power to somehow, some way, at any cost of life and limb find their way down, toward the earth, and into the dirt or mud or grass in order to fulfill the primary objective of every ball player which is to make clean uniforms dirty..

it’s why they play..

balls and strikes, runs hits and errors, wins and losses - all of that means nothing if you can’t make mom do some laundry..

and that’s why the younger siblings are at the ballpark..

to practice fouling their clothes too..

claire is going to be an all-star..

you’ve likely heard of this but i recently experienced it so.. you know.. i’m writing about it..

leave it to teenagers to take something designed to irritate them and turn it into their own weapon of subterfuge and annoyance..

the “mosquito” or “teen buzz” ringtone is a tone that can be loaded on cell phones and other devices and emitted as an alert or simply a noisemaker..

it was originally used as a teenager mover, played loudly in front of store fronts and other establishments to rid their entrances of loitering utes..

now it’s a ringtone those same kids have on their cell phones..

if you’re over 30, you’ve probably never heard it..

because you probably can’t hear it..

because you’re too old..

well.. you’re not too old.. your ears are too old..

i am too old to hear it myself but thankfully i’m also young enough to know about it ahead of time and pretend i hear it when i see some kids in my youth group messing with their cellphones and giggling..

kind of like the time they all blocked the caller id on their phones and started blowing up my cell..

i just logged into a voip server i had at my disposal and changed my own caller id to that of their friends numbers, local restaurants, etc..

they were returning calls to applebees, chili’s, home depot, and all kinds of other numbers while trying to figure out how i was doing it..

when i next saw them i got a lot of “how’d you do that?” from them..

i just played dumb of course - as if i had no idea what they were talking about..

i think if the mosquito thing keeps up i’ll get a really loud mosquito blaster going at church and just hide it real good and leave it on all the time..

or i’ll just waterboard them..

one or the other..

we’re out at the lake today..

by “we” i mean myself and 6 kids - my 3 and kgg (cousins katie, grayson, and gage)..

all of the real adults had other stuff going on today - garage sales and the like - so i’m the designated zookeeper for the day..

it’s raining so all they’ve wanted to do is play on the computer, nintendo, and playstation 2..

i’ve held them off the electronic feed so far this morning but i just released them back into the matrix..

cracker: “ok guys.. since it’s raining and you guys have all been really good you can play on the computers and stuff now for a while if you want..”

kids: “yeah!!”

gage: “playstation 2!!”

katie: “i think we should play house - that’s what we do when it rains..”

gage: “no! i wanna play on the playstation 2!”

katie: “no.. let’s play house while it’s raining!”

stew: “if we’re going to play house, i’m going to always be the oldest..”

davis: “and i’m going to be a cat!”

claire: “and i’m going to be a puppy dog!!”

gage: “and i’m going to be a dog.. a dog that knows how to walk and play on a playstation 2!”

i don’t mind when advertisers stretch the truth a little here and there to support their product..

it’s their choice - practically their obligation to do that..

i expect a beverage manufacturer to tell me his beverage wins in a blind taste test.. even though we all know it’s a meaningless claim..

and i expect a financial company to trot out mature, respected actors to endorse their services.. even though we all know they’re just getting paid to act like every other gig they ever had..

i expect to hear gene hackman’s voice telling me which airline is the safest and the best.. as if he would know..

that’s advertising..

what i can’t stand is some of the ridiculous, intelligence insulting false assumptions that abound in the marketing world today..

for instance, did you know some beverages taste colder than others?

that’s right.. cold is a flavor..

and some products have a fresher scent..

so that product must have the scent of fresh..

fresh what?

fresh flowers?

fresh bread?

fresh meat?

fresh poop?

oh and taco bell has items that taste crunchy, items that taste crispy, and even some items that taste melty..

melty?

come on..

but i think the one that angers me the most is razors..

the onion did a parody a while back about a 5-bladed razor..

and now there’s a 5-bladed razor..

here’s the thing that makes me crazy when i see those 3, 4, and now 5 blade razor commercials..

they try to tell us that a razor with 5 blades is easier on the skin..

can someone please tell me how having 5 blades touch your face once is any different from having 1 blade touch your face 5 times?

presumably the blade is the source of the irritation, right?

i mean it’s not the plastic around it, or the handle..

it’s the blade..

so how is having 5 irritating blades easier on your face than having fewer blades?

and if you can prove the more blades the better, then why stop at 5?

why not have a 50 blade razor that’s just a big brick full of blades..

it could look like a blackboard eraser - you just run it once over your face and it removes the top 9 layers of skin along with all the hair and hair follicles..

call it the erazor..

and that will probably actually happen..

not flavors - crunchy soft cold hot

not scent - fresh clean

fresher scent

oh and noone is watching tv commercials

5 blades are better than one

we’re around the water quite a bit..

between various pools, the lake, and the occasional river or stream we’re quite often wet..

lately the kids have been working on their diving board tricks..

here’s a partial list of them..

the back flip

the pencil

the walking man

dive

the running man

the running dive

the zombie

the guitar man

the twister

and everyone’s favorite..

the brady

for years scientists have been working on a formula to improve on the world famous sausage burger..

and finally they have..

all they had to do was create a true bacon cheeseburger..

in other words, the burger is made out of bacon..

and i swear to you i would order this with extra cheese..

and fries..

and a shake..

and extra bacon..

also it looks kind of small..

oh.. a double..

yes..