Brady’s Blog

that’s it..

i’m calling it..

it’s over..

no more of this blood pressure business..

there has to be a better way to assess someone’s well-being..

it just doesn’t make sense..

it’s like “well.. we’d like to get a nice readout of your basic health status so the first thing we’re going to do is see how your body reacts to having something wrapped painfully tight around your upper arm..”

and i love it when they tell me the results.. like i know what they mean..

nurse: “looks good.. blah-blah-blah over blah-blah”

cracker: “great.. i think that’s about what it was last time.. and um.. every other time.. ever.. in my life..”

what is this over under business?

that is just ridiculous..

are we taking my blood pressure here or betting on the giants/redskins game?

in this day and age you would think they could crunch that down to a simple single digit number assessment..

just give it to me on a scale of 1 to 10..

10 means you’re healthy as a mule.. 1 means you’re going to die when i take that thing off your arm..

keep your over/under..

give me a number..

nurse: “i’ve taken your blood pressure cracker.. and it’s 7..”

cracker: “yeah.. i think that’s about what it was last time..”

the boys did a little work on the computer while we were at the lake this weekend..

this was originally a powerpoint presentation - i made a couple of passes at converting it to a movie or to html but the guys went a little overboard with the transitions so i couldn’t get it to translate correctly..

just imagine the text swirling around and flying into place, etc..

slide 1:

slide 2:

slide 3:

if you’re not watching dog the bounty hunter you are missing out..

where else can you see tattooed, chain-smoking, long-haired, foul-mouthed devout christians chasing drugged-up, down and out, fugitives from justice?

and then once they catch them they scream obscenities at them for five minutes, give them a cigarette, and then “first-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life” them until they cry..

it’s awesome..

oh.. and dog the bounty hunter’s wife beth is about a 44DD and likes to wear shirts that would be too small on a 7 year old boy..

but that’s not the point of today’s post..

today’s post is about thumps..

thumps are sunglasses with a built-in mp3 player..

they have little ear-plug speakers on swivel arms that reach down from the frame of the glasses and plug into your ears..

i actually have a pair of these that were given to me by mrs. cracker’s friend who is in the fashion industry..

they’re pretty cool..

let’s you listen to stuff without having to have wires flopping around, AND they’re good sunglasses..

and dog the bounty hunter wears them all the time..

and he’s not just wearing them.

he has them in his ears..

all the time..

presumably listening to something..

all the time..

whether they’re chasing bad guys, or he’s on tv doing an interview, or just hanging around the office..

he has them on.. and the things are in his ears..

which begs the question “what is he listening to?”

i’m guessing it’s barney songs but i have no way of proving this of course..

or bach..

either of these would be perfect fugitive chasing music..

our kids are loud..

if you get our kids and my sister’s kids in a room together, you can forget about any other sound being heard above the din..

no meaningful verbal communication is possible at all..

telephones, televisions, stereos, any audio equipment of any kind is rendered completely useless..

anyone over the age of 10 who wishes to communicate had better know sign language or be equipped with a bullhorn..

they are just loud..

we’ve decided the only real explanation for this is a genetic one..

we call it the whitney effect..

my grandpa whitney himself was not all that loud, but he must have been a carrier of the loud gene because his offspring are noisy as all get out..

and most of their offspring are loud as well..

and it’s carried through to our kids..

gage and davis are the loudest.. or at least the most consistently loud..

the two of them essentially make up the horn section - just a constant blare of sound - bwahhh!!! whahhhh!!! bwaaahhhh!!!

grayson doesn’t have the staying power of the other two boys but he does have a volume knob that occasionally find its way to 11..

he also has a real knack for making the most of it by waiting until it’s quiet to really crank it up..

like at church.. that’s quiet enough..

katie is not often loud by herself, but when the mix starts to come together and everyone is trying to talk over everyone else, she can certainly do her part to contribute..

for her part claire can go unheard for hours at a time.. and about the time you think “where’s claire?”, she’ll let out a 125 decibel screech like the brakes of a thousand locomotives..

and not because she’s hurt.. oh no..

someone took her purse.. or something terrible like that..

that’s the key, of course..

and what makes it interesting when a lot of parents and kids get together..

when one parent hears the blood-curdling scream of someone else’s child, that parent thinks there must have been some tragic accident and expects everyone to go running to the scene..

only to have that child’s parent say something like “oh that’s not a hurt cry.. he’s just mad.. a hurt cry would have long breaks in it for air..”

so who does that leave us with..

let’s see..

stew..

yeah.. stewart is really not as loud as the others generally speaking..

he has his moments of high volume but he’s probably reprimanded more often not for noise level but for the inappropriate nature of his comments..

also a whitney gene..

there’s a place not far from our house..

it’s a go-kart and arcade place..

bumper boats.. putt-putt..

that kind of thing..

it’s called lokomotion..

claire calls it mocha lotion..

that’s funny..

as claire would say..

that really “cracks me out..”

there is absolutely nothing worse than someone who constantly has to act like he knows everything..

one who is in perpetual competition for renaissance man of the year or something..

as if there’s nothing outside his are of expertise..

there’s nothing more annoying than a know-it-all..

and i’m starting to think i am one..

and i’m starting to think there are some of you reading this thinking “someone call CNN and FOX - breaking story - cracker might be a know-it-all.. duh..”

but for me it really is becoming something of an epiphany..

because i’ve just never really seen myself that way..

as someone who is constantly trying to make others recognize his intelligence..

i guess i’ve just always thought i actually knew everything..

but i’ve caught myself a couple of times recently saying things that were just plain dumb..

and i realized.. well.. of course i said something dumb there.. because i don’t know anything about that subject.. and i just opened my mouth and talked anyway..

it’s shameful, disgusting behavior really..

it’s just utter foolishness..

and i obviously can’t control myself..

so..

i’d like to ask everyone to hold me accountable on this from now on..

no more letting me prattle on about something about which i know nothing..

no more acting as though you’re listening and then rolling your eyes behind my back..

no more humoring cracker..

ok?

good..

no..

wait..

what am i thinking?

scratch that..

humor me..

i’ll not be admonished by the likes of you..

reprimand me will you?

mind your own beeswax people..

i’ll handle any little minor flaws in the character of cracker..

you people just go about your business and let me be..

think you know so much..

this is a bonus post..

it doesn’t qualify as a real post because it’s completely self-indulgent and meaningless..

(yeah.. i know.. what post hasn’t been..)

anyway..

here’s the thing..

i’ve developed the habit of scribbling notes in restaurants and other public places..

i’ve done quite a bit of that this week since i’ve been dining alone and have had some other solo time..

and twice this week i’ve been asked if i’m a writer..

the first time i just shook my head and laughed..

but that made me think..

i write..

so.. if the question is “are you a writer?”.. and i write..

then that must make me a writer..

so when the second person asked me, i sheepishly answered in the affirmative..

“yeah.. just a blog.. just kinda learning..”

it was really strange to say that..

anyway..

there’s not much interesting about this..

just kind of struck me..

that’s why they call it a bonus post people..

so get off my back!!

geez..

slot machines..

what in the world?

these things are so ridiculous..

i stood and watched a couple of different people playing slots at a couple of different casinos..

and i can promise you not 1 in 300 people playing those things has a single clue what is happening there..

all they are doing is putting money in the machine, hitting the button, and listening for the ding..

visually, all they see is a mess of lines and fruit and numbers and symbols..

and they have no idea what makes a winning spin or a losing hand.. there’s no way to tell half the time..

they’re just putting the money in and trusting the machine to tell them how much they get back..

it might as well just be a screen full of 1’s and 0’s.. or just random numbers spinning around..

it wouldn’t change it one bit..

or better yet..

they should just have a screen that turns different colors when you push a button..

you just push the button.. the whole screen turns a pretty red color and it says “you win!”..

then you hit the button the next time.. it turns blue and says “ah.. nice try..”

put a little soothing music to that and i think you’ve got something..

i have another suggestion that i think would help the gaming industry maximize their profits..

because.. you know.. they’re not making enough money..

here’s the thing..

there are a couple of places in vegas where you can not yet gamble..

and i think the casinos are really missing the boat on this..

the first one is elevators - there’s already a bank of lights and buttons to push..

all you need is a place to put some money and then you can have a “lucky floor” for each elevator ride..

like roulette..

also.. restrooms..

this one is so obvious i honestly can’t believe they haven’t implemented it yet..

especially for the men’s room..

i mean.. you’re just standing there..

and unless you’re like the old man at the mirage i saw eating an ice cream cone while standing at a urinal, you have one hand free..

or better yet..

you’re sitting down..

in which case your stay will most likely be an extended one..

plenty of time to play a few hands of video poker..

or maybe they could set it up where you can play poker against the guy next to you..

“i’ll see your 20.. and raise you 20.. and how ’bout a courtesy flush?”

“ok.. let’s finish the game.. i’m ‘all in’ if you know what i mean..”

vegas is a very strange town..

not so much the strip area..

the strip kind of makes sense..

it’s designed to be a getaway..

a place where you can pretend twenty bucks isn’t really twenty bucks..

a playground..

it’s fun..

the weird side of vegas is the non-strip part..

the residential and retail areas that look just like any other american town if only a bit sunnier..

but if you spend time in those areas.. you notice something..

the gambling and “vegas” stuff is still everywhere you turn..

a shopping center will have a shoe store, a subway restaurant, a travel agency, and a slot machine joint..

so the residents have the opportunity to get some shoes, grab a bite, plan their next vacation, and completely ruin their lives..

all in one convenient location..

it’s really strange..

i mean.. do you really need to have 24 hour video poker at the grocery store?

really?

holy smokes..

it’s like “i would love to go get some food for the house.. and maybe some other household items.. but i’m just not sure i can go without gambling that long - oh! thank goodness!! i can gamble right here by the produce section!!”

i’m not much of a gambler myself..

typical tourist piddly stuff..

i did have take my first trip to a real live casino poker room..

and had the pleasure of a real live little old lady taking me for a real live 25 dollars on a real live deuce on the real live river..

and then she laughed at me..

so that was nice..

i am in vegas this week for some work training..

i already have a lot of notes from this trip so there will be more writing about this but i thought i’d go ahead and mention a couple of things..

first of all, i saw a pretty good one in the airport in denver..

a mom and dad, traveling with two small children..

the gate we were all waiting at was backed up so there were tons of people camped out all over the place..

this family was stationed next to one of those moving walkways or “people movers” as they are sometimes called..

mom and the kids were huddled together on the floor with dad standing next to them..

mom was having one of those moments that moms love where the kids are literally just crawling all over her..

and then dad decided to help out by reaching one arm out to lean on the walkway handrail..

did i mention it was a moving walkway?

yeah.. totally dumped him.. right into mom and the kids..

one second he’s just casually loitering about..

the next second he’s teakettled on top of them - kids screaming and the whole deal..

mom was pretty happy with him..

she gave him one of those “did i actually marry you?” looks..

secondly, i sat on the front row on the flight from denver to vegas so i had the pleasure of enjoying some flight attendant banter..

at one point, our female flight attendant was ranting to our “male” flight attendant about a terribly foolish passenger..

this guy apparently didn’t want to turn off his ipod, so she was going on and on about how she lectured him regarding the reasons behind the rules and safety and blah blah blah and this guy just didn’t get it..

“so i told him what? is it so important to listen to that that you would risk crashing this plane!!”

to which i would like to say..

and i hope all flight personnel are listening..

HOW CAN AN IPOD CRASH A PLANE?!?!

is it going to emit some secret “crash the plane” code sequence through the wireless device that it doesn’t even have?

and if an ipod could somehow miraculously bring down a commercial airliner, don’t you think you should address that little bug at some point rather than badgering passengers to turn stuff off..

or just confiscate every single electronic device you see..

that would make a lot more sense..

i mean if you seriously think there’s even a remote possibility that one of these things is going to crash the plane, isn’t it terribly irresponsible to allow people to have them on the plane at all?

you can’t have a bottle of water on a plane but every flight has 50 plane-dropping ipods, cameras, and computers on it?

how does that make any sense at all?