Brady’s Blog

email from my sister yesterday..

—————————————————————–
Here’s what I would like you to do. Describe me in ONE WORD…just one word!

Send it to me only, then send this message to your friends and see how

people see you!

This is really fun?!

Just hit

Reply and send me my one word back. Then forward this message on to your

Friends (including me) and see what they say about you!

GAME ON!!

———————————————————————

i sent her the word honorificabilitudinitatibus..

i thought that was about the best possible word..

i did not, however, send that email to all my friends in order that they might describe me in one word..

i think i know that word..

the only real question is..

is that one word or two?

my mom used to indian wrestle or “leg wrestle” with us when we were kids..

i don’t know if this practice was actually handed down from the native american side of her family tree or if it just got picked up somewhere..

here’s how it works..

the two wrestlers lie down on their backs next to each other foot to head, or in other words reversed..

they then lock their inside arms for stabilization before lifting their inside legs to begin combat..

when the legs come up, often after a 1, 2, 3 count, the game is on..

whoever can pull the other persons leg down with his leg is the winner..

of course, in the process of getting that person’s leg down, the victor has necessarily thrown his opponent tomahawk over moccasin across the floor..

it’s quite dignifying..

in fact, i can see this catching on as an icebreaker for the upscale cocktail party..

“here senator.. just lie down here on your back.. that’s it.. now madame.. let me hold your champagne.. good.. good.. now you take the opposite position.. there we are.. and 1… 2… 3!”

it’s even better than twister..

this is a bonus post..

i write 6 days a week pretty steadily..

but every once in a while you the readers luck out and get some extra wordage..

this is one of those times..

we watched quite a bit of the oscars last night.. we usually do..

mrs. cracker and i don’t watch a ton of tv but the oscars is one of those things we usually try to catch..

i was surprised to see so many poor reviews of the show today..

i thought ellen degeneres came off as her usual likable, funny, self-deprecating self..

i guess if you’re not running around singing and dancing and mugging for the camera a la billy crystal, you’re not “performing” enough..

ellen’s novel “just do the show” approach just wasn’t sensational enough for some i guess..

oh..

and by the way..

al gore..

please..

give it a rest..

you’re going to save the world single-handedly..

we get it..

oh and um.. al..

you didn’t win anything..

davis guggenheim won the oscar..

and decided to share it with you..

which is a little like a first grade school teacher slicing out 10 of her 15 minutes of fame for paris hilton..

so don’t bother thanking the academy..

you should thank george bush..

after all..

where would your movie career be if you were stuck in the white house?

i think it’s safe to write about davis’ finger now..

looks like he’s going to get to keep it..

a blog post about a kid dropping a bowling ball on his finger seems kind of not so funny if there’s a post a week later that says “oh.. and uh.. by the way.. they had to cut his finger off..”

anyway.. last saturday davis went bowling with a bunch of kids from church..

my mom was taking them so we were the only parents who weren’t asked to sign a waiver form.. (irony is so sneaky sometimes..)

davis has a unique style of bowling to say the least.. it involves running and sliding on his knees and then sort of chunking the ball in front of him as hard and as far as he can..

bowling alley owners love this sort of thing by the way.. nothing they enjoy more than the 140 decibel report of urethane smacking into wood..

on this day at the lanes all was well until davis’ cousin gage accidentally picked up a 9 pound ball instead of one of the 6 pounders they had been using.. and got a strike..

it was all over for the six pounders after that..

and so davis managed to drop one of those heavier balls on his left index finger..

it basically ruptured wide open..

mom was heading to the ER with him but i looked at it and decided (cracker M.D.) it didn’t need stitches..

so.. basically.. i said to him “so.. your finger’s turned inside out.. toughen up kid..”

between then and now, the poor little digit has had some pretty bad days..

at one point i was pretty sure the color wasn’t good but decided (cracker Ph.D) it was just from bruising and not from gangrene..

it looked better the next day and has improved since then to the point where now it appears to be healing well..

thank god we never signed one of those waivers..

so at least we can still sue mom..

a while back i wrote about a scam we used to pull when i worked at chili’s..

a few people i’ve talked to since then have told me about similar shady dealings at their places of work..

seems like video stores were big for this kind of thing..

i remember a place in harrison, arkansas i used to go to some..

the kids working there had a pretty good money-maker going on..

they were pocketing the overdue charges..

pretty simple..

just tell somebody they owe $4 in late fees, take the money and stick it in your pocket..

i realized what was going on one time when i was in there and decided to call them on it..

clerk: “uh.. looks like you have a late fee on this one.. $4..”

cracker: “oh.. yeah.. here ya go..”

clerk: “thanks..”

then i waited a sec..

cracker: “oh.. hey.. can i get a receipt for that?”

clerk: “er.. uh.. er.. uh..”

eventually the kid figured out how to ring it up after the fact and give me a receipt..

but it took a while..

and it was pretty funny to watch..

i’ve been meaning to do this one for a while now..

i read a blog called gothamist pretty regularly..

every so often, they post an interview of a comedian or humorist..

basically, they pose a few questions and the interviewee tries to respond with something ironic or pithy..

basic stuff..

they usually ask pretty much the same questions..

which made me think..

why not have them interview me?

i don’t really need them..

i have already copied their questions from the last interview on their blog..

so here goes..

gothamist: “What are your earliest memories of seeing or hearing things that made you laugh?”

cracker: “there was a kid in my kindergarten class who jumped up on his desk and stuck his thumb out of his zipper to make it look like he was showing us something else.. we all knew the trick.. but the teacher didn’t.. i remember laughing at that pretty hard.. oh.. and everything i ever did or said since the age of four.. that’s all been quite funny..”

gothamist: “Were your parents funny people or trying to bring comedy into the household?”

cracker: “both of my parents are funny people.. they always knew how to pick on each other and on us kids just the right amount so as to make us laugh while still managing to totally crush our self-esteem..”

gothamist: “How many siblings do you have?”

cracker: “2 so far..”

gothamist: “What sort of place did you grow up in?”

cracker: “i think i’m supposed to say middle class.. and it was pretty much.. but i guess it started out lower middle and ended up upper middle.. and we never knew the difference.. my folks worked hard and long to make sure both of those things happened - that the situation got better and better and that we knew how to be happy either way..”

gothamist: “Young people, free time, and suburban sprawl often leads to mischievous behavior. Could the same be said of young Brian Stack?”

cracker: “well gee.. i don’t really know.. why don’t you ask brian STACK!!?? jerks.. that’s it.. this interview is over!”

something i was reading the other day mentioned the concept of the “writer’s eye”..

the idea of having a writer’s eye is to look at everyday events and circumstances with the intent of conveying those experiences through the written word..

or.. as i call it..

“scrounging around for material”..

i’ve been writing 6 or 7 days a week for about 18 months or so i guess..

and i think there is actually something to the whole “writer’s eye” thing..

i think after a while one does begin to see things differently.. one begins to think about ways to write about life or make it prose-worthy even while you’re living it..

again.. scrounging.. harvesting.. digging for material..

i keep a notebook handy and always have a computer nearby to jot down an idea or phrase or memory or something that strikes me as funny or important..

some writers even keep notebooks bedside in case ideas come to them in the night..

there’s a pretty funny seinfeld episode regarding this phenomenon of material coming up in dream state in which jerry writes a terribly funny joke in the middle of the night but can’t read his writing the next day..

similar thing happened to me the other night..

i woke up giggling to myself about a joke that came to me..

it was a joke about crude oil..

and man was it funny..

i was so proud of myself for making it to that point as a humorist where solid gold material just spontaneously flows from my brain like sugar sap from a fine minnesota maple..

i couldn’t remember the joke the next day, of course, since i went back to sleep and didn’t write it down..

i’m guessing it was some terrible pun or play on words since the word crude is involved..

anyway..

lost forever..

sad thing indeed..

but wait!

look what happened there..

i made something out of it after all..

alas..

the circle of life..

it was over a month ago when i first registered some dismay regarding james brown’s unburied status..

guess what?

he’s still above ground..

back then his remains were being stored in a “temperature controlled” room in his home..

now they’re saying his body is being kept in a “confidential location”..

in other words, he’s certainly not in the den with the air conditioner turned down low..

no sir.. he’s not in there..

don’t worry though..

charles the funeral director is still checking on him..

——
“I do that constantly,” Reid said. “That’s the only way I can actually check him … go in, open the casket and close it. And he’s fine.”
——

um.. ok..

couple of things here..

first of all..

constantly?

really charles?

you’re constantly checking on him?

yikes..

are you invoicing each visit or something?

why else would you check on him constantly?

the family is going to love that bill..

they’ll be like “400 dollars a day for checkups on a dead guy?”

secondly.. he’s fine?

that’s quite a diagnosis..

i guess other than being deader than a doornail and left to rot, yeah..

he’s fine..

oh.. speaking of famous, dead, and left to rot..

anna nicole is not fine..

we’re all middle namers around here..

mrs. cracker and i have both always gone by our middle names so we decided to pass the curse on to our kids..

stew is bradford stewart

davis is matterson davis

and claire is elizabeth claire (the “e-claire” nickname has yet to stick despite the efforts of her uncle)..

the two younger kids really have no understanding of their possession of those first names..

they wouldn’t know matterson or elizabeth if they were bitten by them..

but stew has embraced his christian name..

in a way at least..

while he primarily answers to the name stewart, and in fact often recoils at having that shortened to “stew”, he has discovered a handy use for the name bradford.

i wasn’t aware of his employing this tactic until it was recently pointed out to me by one of the girls who helps out at our church..

she asked me “so.. when did stewart decide he wanted to go by the name bradford?”

i answered that i hadn’t witnessed this behavior yet..

she told me they actually made a double-sided name tag for him because he kept changing his mind back and forth..

“hmm..” i said.. “and i’m guessing he does this whenever you line up for stuff alphabetically?”

“well..” she said.. “yeah.. i guess he does..”

i like when some rich or famous person gets fired or forced out of their enormously satisfying, easy-street, high paying, dream job..

what do they always say?

“bill, you just got fired after ten years as the CEO of Try-Not Motor Company.. would you like to comment?”

“i’m looking forward to spending more time with my family..”

well sure you are..

i’m sure you’re looking forward to hanging out with the kiddos while some other schmo is cashing great big checks that used to have your name on them..

i bet you can’t wait..

that’s why you took that job in the first place.. you’re all about family..

and that’s why you’re scrambling around 2 weeks later to find the next big corporate gig..

and you never get the reverse statement when someone is starting the big job..

“bill, you’re about to take over at Generic Motors, how do you feel about that?”

“well.. i’m really looking forward to spending a lot of time away from my family.. i can’t stand them, really.. and if i could have two jobs just like this one.. i’d never go home at all..”