Brady’s Blog

the boys and i were acting up a bit today so mrs cracker sentenced us to some manditory rest time..

we were told we didn’t have to sleep but had to lay down - kind of like “you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here”..

so we found a comfy spot and decided to make the most of it by having story time..

now i don’t know if it’s just my boys, or if other boys do this, but if you let stew or davis tell a story, it is guaranteed to turn to the scatological PDQ..

it’s kind of like a kid version of the aristocrats..

most of you think you just saw the word aristoCATS and therefore that sentence made no sense..

imdb.com will sort that out for you if you like..

anyway, today’s story time was no different..

daddy: “ok boys.. let’s have story time..”

davis: “ok daddy.. you go first..”

i started one about a magic tree house but came up empty real fast..

daddy: “this story stinks.. davis you go first..”

davis: “ok.. once upon a time.. there was a little doggy.. and he had to pee..”

daddy: “davis..”

davis: “what? he had to pee.. dogs do that ya know.. and then he peed on a tree and went poop in the forest.. the end..”

daddy: “ok stew.. your turn..”

stew: “one time there was a little dog and he went poop in the street and everyone stepped in it and then he pooped some more and everyone was swimming in dog poop.. the end..”

daddy: “ok stew.. thank you.. guys.. did you know that every story doesn’t have to be about pee and poop?”

davis: “but that’s what dogs do.. they do poop.. and pee..”

daddy: “yes that’s true.. but that doesn’t mean we have to talk about it..”

davis: “ok..”

daddy: “why don’t you try another kind of story..”

davis: “ok.. once upon a time.. there was a little boy..”

daddy: “i like this better already..”

davis: “and he got his head stuck in a toilet..”

here’s three more dumb things i’ve done..

these would be way down there on the list with regard to order of importance or impact on the world, but dumb stuff is dumb stuff - and that’s what this blog is all about after all..

1. i “wrote” a “song” and “played” and “sang” it for my friend kevin down the street who actually knows a thing or two about music - i have no recollection of the lyrics or tune at all, but i can tell you it was horrible and lame - to kevin’s credit, he waited until i was gone to laugh out loud..

2. i have bounced some of the dumbest invention ideas off of friends - one time i told my buddy terry all about some kind of children’s book that had an alarm clock built into it or something - he just gave me a pitiful look like i was charlie gordon near the end of flowers for algernon..

3. one time when homer and i were on site, we got cracked up about something and in the course of trying to hurry out of there so as to avoid busting up laughing right in front of the people, i threw a door open and knocked a framed picture off of the wall - we looked like a couple of absolute mental cases falling all over ourselves giggling and smashing into stuff.. real professional..

there you go.. that’s three more..

don’t worry..

i’ll never run out..

i’m not really all that easily embarrassed..

never have been..

my cringe-ometer is just set really low i guess..

here’s some things i’ve done about which i should be terribly ashamed but am not..

told friends and acquaintances

if i was super rich i would build or hire my own entertainment company..

it would be a movie studio, record company, and television network all in one..

and the sole purpose of this enterprise would be to provide me with entertainment..

i would call them and say “ok.. here’s the deal.. i want robert deniro and terry bradshaw in a rookie cop movie - and i want bradshaw playing the veteran, no nonsense professional cop trying to show the frightened, bashful, and naive deniro the ropes..”

and i would give them about 90 days to get it done..

and it would be hand delivered to my home, and nobody could see it unless i let them into my house to watch it..

and it would be a great movie (yes, better than shawshank), but terry bradshaw would miss out on his oscar because only a few people would ever see his performance..

also because it turns out he’s not that great an actor and the script was a little weak..

then i would call them up again and say “hey.. good job on One Smart Cop, now i need some music..”

and i would request a lullaby album featuring willie nelson on guitar, jim brickman on piano, and molly ringwald on vocals..

i would have the tv side of things setup where everything is on demand..

and i mean really on demand..

like if i’m watching my favorite show, and it starts to get all jericho-y on me, i just call them up and say “uh.. no.. sorry.. i’m not going to sit through 22 hours of flashbacks and fillers just so i can find out the motives behind the actions of all these idiotic characters i don’t care about - tell me what happens..”

no.. better yet.. i would have a “skip to the end” button on my remote..

i would just push that button and they would have 3 minutes to finish writing whatever show i was watching and throw together an ending..

as you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking how silly it all is, but as i’m writing it i’m wondering how likely it is something very close to this already exists..

i bet bill gates has a stack of movies at his house that were produced just for him..

and they’re all awesome - so perfect and wonderful that you can only watch them once or you’ll go insane from joy and fulfillment..

so he watches them once and then uses the dvd’s as coasters and frisbees for the kids..

and i bet he’s seen the end of jericho, too..

lucky jerk..

i have attempted to tell the long version of this story more than once, but it has yet to make it out of the editing phase in that form..

(and you are now thinking, “there’s editing here?”)

i reserve the right to tell this tale in full at a later date..

until then, here’s the short version

one time this kid threw a rock and hit my sister in the head and mom caught up with him and shook him against a tree hard enough to rattle his teeth..

i imagine a scene years later where his mother took him to the orthodontist and the orthodontist said “hmm.. that’s strange.. the alignment of his teeth indicate he may have had his head slammed into a sycamore tree repeatedly and with great force..”

the long version will have tons of detail and will likely bore you to tears..

so be on the lookout for that one..

we do a lot of christmases..

this year we had an eve-eve in eureka springs, a little bit of eve at mom and dad’s, “official” christmas at our house this morning, and then back to my folks house for “big” christmas..

we’ll still have at least one or two more sessions down in the greater searcy area..

i think this is probably a phenomenon specific to my generation..

the effects of divorce, prosperity, and kid-centrism seem to have culminated in a continuous christmas that lasts from about thanksgiving to valentines day..

of course, we’re the generation that grew up spending our christmas travel time in the rear windows of some of the most dangerous motor vehicles ever made and are now forced to triple strap any passenger under the age of 18 under penalty of law..

christmas play time is a little different for today’s kids as well..

we played trouble, uno, and candyland..

our kids had 4 different computers going all day today playing an online penguin game..

stewart ran about 15 miles back and forth from station to station making sure everyone was in the same server and able to send messages back and forth, etc..

and then we took pictures..

i don’t know what it is about pictures..

our family could be having the best time ever - everyone all smiles and laughter - the kids singing a chorus of welcome christmas prettier than all the whos in whoville..

the second someone mentions taking pictures, the whole thing falls apart.. kids start screaming and crying, parents start yelling and spanking and threatening, and suddenly everyone is too hot and sweating and miserable..

and boy do the pictures show it..

our family portraits usually resemble an old time photo of an alaskan pipeline work crew like you see on the history channel - every face is stern and hardset, only half the people are aware of the camera, and everyone is redfaced and angry looking..

and that’s what christmas is all about..

maybe there’s a reason they used to only do one christmas a year..

we’re not the biggest gamers in the world at our house, but we do play some..

we have an xbox..

the kids have a v-smile..

and we have a couple of computers that the kids are always using to play an online game of one kind or another..

out at the lake there’s an old school nintendo, etc etc..

mrs. cracker thinks this is too much, of course..

she thinks the kids play these games too much and hold them a bit too dear to their hearts..

after seeing her play super mario the other day, however, we came to the conclusion that she doesn’t play enough..

she is simply terrible..

panicky, clumsy, slow.. just awful..

davis is a pretty good teacher, so after an hour or so he had her to the point where she could at least function a little..

like.. i think once she even jumped..

we’re hoping with enough training she’ll reach an acceptable skill level eventually..

i guess it’s like stew used to always say..

“practice makes practice”

we just got back from the ball game..

basketball..

arkansas razorbacks..

hosting the golden eagles of tulsa’s oral robert’s university..

we won..

now i could spend a good deal of time talking basketball here, but i won’t..

there’s some things going on with this team about which i certainly have some opinions, but flapping my gums about it isn’t going to change anything..

plus i actually recognize that i don’t really know all that much about basketball.. a little.. but not that much..

so i’ll talk about what i do know..

and that’s how to survive a ball game when you’re dragging kids along..

we took all three with us tonight..

we made it from start to finish and not a single drop of blood was spilled..

and that makes me an expert..

like most things in life, if you want to do this right preparation is key..

preparation in this case involves loading up on candy and snacks before you leave the house..

couple of important things here..

first of all, you only have so many pockets so choose these items carefully..

stay away from chocolate if possible - makes a mess in your pockets even if it’s in a ziplock - and makes most kids behave poorly.. or.. poorly-er as the case may be..

also, if you have any kind of candy that takes some time to consume, be sure to include that..

for davis, sour skittles work perfectly - they’re so sour he eats them one at a time, licking the outside sugar off first and then chewing the candy.. (”the sourness makes the goodness” he says)

and here is the key.. in all of this..

time..

the success of the entire operation hinges on time..

you have to burn a couple of hours somehow..

and these kids you’re taking along are not likely to sit hands folded on knees quietly observing the evening’s sporting event..

and that’s why food is so important..

food..

if they’re eating, chances are they aren’t flailing arms in front of your face during jump shots.. (if certain razorback players are reading this, that kind of behavior is known as defense)

now.. the second thing you can use to keep the kiddos busy during the ball game is more food..

sorry..

that’s it..

that’s the only solution we’ve found..

oh.. and drinks.. drinks are good too..

but drinks lead to bathroom visits..

so be advised..

and here’s some advice i’ve been given by some of the older spectators around us at various sporting events..

if you have kids at all, you’ve heard this from your “elders” more than once - and not just when you’re covered in spilled dr pepper and spit-up, chasing a rugrat through the aisles of a sports arena..

you’ll get this advice from helpful folks at the grocery store..

or the movies..

or god forbid you should try to patronize an eatery of some kind, you’ll get this advice from someone there as they observe your children screaming and throwing food at each other..

i’ve tried to take this advice to heart, but it’s tough..

it usually goes something like this..

“enjoy it while you can..”

i had a dream last night i was visiting a friend in some other town..

strange dream already since i don’t have friends and don’t go to other towns..

but, as dreams will do, it got even stranger..

this friend of mine worked at a restaurant and i was there just kind of hanging out..

it was a pretty busy restaurant, but it was only a tuesday night so they didn’t have an expo that night..

for those of you who are fortunate enough to have lived a life devoid of experience in the restaurant vocation, an expo is an extra person working as a liaison between the kitchen staff and the wait staff to help arrange orders, manage ticket times, fix reburns, etc..

expedite things..

thus the name expo..

i was a pretty awesome expo back in the day if i do say so myself..

it was the perfect job for me, really..

no tables of your own, so no customers to anger..

you only have to work the very busiest part of the rush - usually 2 or 3 hours..

you have to be able to speak the ridiculous made-up language of the kitchen staff and wade through all the narcotics abuse there, but still step out onto the floor of the restaurant and present a “front of house” image as well..

it’s obnoxiously chatty and loud, sweaty, fast-paced, stressful work, yet requires no real intelligence or skill of any kind at all..

basically, a reasonably bright monkey with quick hands could do it..

ok.. that last sentence describes every single job i’ve ever had.. is that bad?

anyway, in this dream, i decided since i was in a strange restaurant in a strange town with nothing else to do, the only sensible thing was to get in there and expo for a while..

it was pretty busy for a tuesday, but i handled it with ease..

worked about 2 hours, cashed in on a nice healthy tipout from the wait staff and headed to the nearest poker table..

just like the old days..

i can’t for the life of me figure out why this stuff didn’t sell better than it did..

from the makers of Kantser vitamins..

my poor father is losing his personal war against debit cards..

he hates the things..

drives him crazy to see them..

if you’ve ever been to lunch with him and paid with a debit card, you’ve heard all about it..

it’s primarily just a generational thing i guess..

people of his generation just don’t feel comfortable going into a place of business without some legal tender in their pocket..

the great part is a large part of dad’s work force is made up of younger guys who think nothing of using plastic or paypal or online bill pay or whatever gets it done..

provides us all with plenty of entertainment..

not really a joke in this i guess.. just had it in the queue of things to write about..

anyway, gotta do some christmas shopping now..

i’ll think i’ll get dad fifty two dollar debit cards..

or one of the new monopoly sets..