Brady’s Blog

i don’t like to brag, but i really do a ridiculous amount of helping out mrs. cracker around the house..

for instance..

i just found this big bunch of clothes just laying in the washing machine all wet and stuff..

i took those clothes and put them right in the dryer..

and then..

this other time..

we got done eating dinner and there was all these dishes and stuff all over the place..

i cleaned them..

well.. i mean.. i didn’t really clean them..

they needed to soak, you know..

so i ran some water in them..

and guess what?

next day..

they were clean..

another thing i like to help with is making lunches..

we have to make lunch for stew whenever the school lunch menu for the next day has something crazy and inedible on it..

as in anything that’s not pizza or a hamburger..

now when i pack a lunch, i like to serve a fresh sandwich..

so i vacuum seal them..

yes, with my mouth..

i put the sandwich in and suck all the air out, and then zip up the corner real quick..

one looks like a complete idiot doing this, of course, but it does seal the sandwich up and keep it nice and fresh..

sometimes i even take a toothpick and stick it in the corner of the bag to keep the very slimmest of air holes open for the vacuum procedure..

if you do this right, you can pretty much crush a peanut butter sandwich so be careful..

i say be careful because i know those of you who haven’t already done this are going to try it now..

that’s the power i have..

people just want to do whatever they can to be exactly like me..

it’s ok..

don’t try fight it..

ok.. that’s all for today..

shoot me an email if you know how to start a dryer..

here we go again..

they’re telling us we’re supposed to get some snow tomorrow..

2-4 inches..

and i have no choice but to believe them..

because they’ve never, ever been wrong..

the bad thing is they get me every time..

every single time..

no matter how many times they blow it..

no matter how many times they say it’s going to snow and it doesn’t..

i still bite..

hook..

line..

sinker..

i’m just a kid that way i guess..

i remember when we were kids my mom had a real clever way of keeping our feet warm on snow days..

she would wrap our feet in bread sacks and seal them up with rubber bands..

the idea was to keep the feet dry..

of course, what actually happened was our feet would get hot, start sweating, and then become encased in a frozen-sweat-filled bread sack..

those were the days..

nbc has decided that the conflict in iraq is now officially a civil war..

this only after “much consultation over the weekend with our colleagues, fellow journalists, historians, analysts and members of the military, both present and former..”

for instance,

Michael Beschloss (NBC News Presidential Historian): “If you define a civil war as a country where a lot of groups are struggling for power, Iraq is in a civil war.”

yes michael, well said..

of course, if you define civil war as smuckers seedless black raspberry jam, then there’s a civil war in my fridge..

unfortunately, that’s not how it works..

i think that’s pretty close though..

i mean any country where “a lot of groups are struggling for power” is obviously in the midst of a civil war..

only question is will the United States Second Civil War chess sets be ready in time for christmas..

i’m thinking harry reid and nancy pelosi as bishops - trent lott and denny hastert on the other side..

george bush and hillary clinton as the kings..

that would make laura and bill the queens i guess..

hmm..

this started as a joke but now i’m thinking i just created the fastest selling chess set in history..

of course, the bottom line is it doesn’t really matter what nbc says..

if you’re getting shot at, the bullets don’t really care if brian williams sees them as official civil war bullets or just random violence rounds..

unless, of course, you happen to be brian williams..

in that case, every word you utter means everything to everyone..

every sentence you speak changes the world forever..

so why not use that power brian?

and just say “it’s over, we won, everyone come home”?

i’m not sure what the time setting would be for this one..

i don’t remember doing this in grade school, so it must have started in junior high.. i pulled it off in high school some also..

basically, i held my own fund raising programs..

mom would take me to sam’s and i would by bulk candy..

like the big tubs of bubble gum and blo-pops..

big boxes of candy bars, etc..

and then i would sell the candy on the bus and at school..

i would usually try to wait until there were other fund raisers going on.. like the band candy bar sale or whatever..

and i’d just sell my stuff right along with everybody else..

only my stuff was of better quality, less expensive, and i got to keep all the profit..

as happens in some black market ventures, i ran into trouble with the authorities..

i guess the school had some kind of policy regarding unsanctioned solicitation blah blah blah..

i didn’t try it, but i’ve always wondered how much i would have had to lay down for a bribe in that situation to get them to look the other way..

i’m guessing that number is a lot lower than you would think..

i bet i could have talked some assistant principal or somebody into protecting my interests for less than $30 a week..

i guarantee you $50 would have done it..

we’ll never know i guess..

we’re playing poker tonight..

and one of the guys here is really skinny and constantly eats like a pig..

so i accused him of having worms..

which got us talking about parasites in general..

which made me think of this..

enjoy..

we’re driving back from the lsu game right now..

we got beat..

and the lsu fans were chanting L S U while we were walking out of the stadium..

i tried to get a F E M A chant going as a retort but nobody was with me..

oh well..

i tried..

ah thanksgiving..

quality time spent with family and friends..

away from any thing even resembling high speed internet..

stew: “daddy.. can i play on the computer..”

cracker: “sure bud.. hang on.. i gotta do something real quick..”

stew: “ok.. what’s that noise?”

cracker: “that’s a modem..”

stew: “what’s a modem?”

cracker: “hmm.. hard to explain..”

stew: “why does it make so much noise..”

cracker: “i have no idea stew.. good question though..”

i guess every small town in america has some kind of yearly festival..

in baxter springs, ks it’s called cowtown days..

it’s your basic dunk tank, cap gun, and parade affair..

i remember as a kid just being so absolutely pumped when cowtown days came around..

i think it was the sense of freedom and ownership..

we got to run around the streets seemingly unsupervised, buying things and winning things, and doing things on our own..

i’m sure we were never 30 feet from our folks, but at the time it was like being loosed upon the open earth..

they had a parade each year.. i remember distinctly feeling the drums in my chest as they went by and thinking there was probably a chance they were actually harming me somehow..

and of course the most incredible thing of all - candy..

people just driving by in cars throwing candy at us like it was nothing..

tons of it..

and then, of course, there was the other kind of bubble gum..

my older cousin brent was always trying to get us to pick up horse droppings by telling us it was bubble gum..

i don’t think any of us ever fell for it, but it’s a good thing horse poop isn’t pink or we totally would have..

also a good thing bubble gum isn’t brown and clumpy and stinky..

at least if you’re a bubble gum salesman that is..

6 muslims were removed from a flight bound for pheonix out of minneapolis yesterday..

some of the passengers were alarmed because some of the muslim guys were saying their daily prayers in the airport terminal before boarding the plane..

the flight crew took the better safe than blowed up approach and asked the 6 passengers to leave - they refused and were escorted off by police..

terrible thing to be singled out like that just because you happen to be muslim and flying..

also too bad about those folks that just happened to be american and breathing air in new york a couple of years ago..

fortunately, i know of a way we can keep this kind of discrimination from happening again..

declare every airport to be a junior high school..

that way..

no prayers..

here’s a dream i had last night..

i’m at a comedy club..

standing just off stage, stage left..

there’s some guy on stage kind of introducing me, but also doing some stuff himself..

it’s my first time doing stand-up..

as i come on stage, the guy in front of me is goofing on this guy in the audience who says he’s a surgeon.. one of those “so whatdya you do for a living, sir?” deals..

all i can see is this guy who says he’s a surgeon has this really poofy, feathered hair..

so as i step up, i say “wow.. you’re a doctor? and did you attend leif garrett medical school?”

then i realize the crowd all knows this guy, it’s like it’s his birthday party or something.. not sure what.. but he’s kind of the center of attention for whatever reason.. and somehow i find out he’s a specialist that does some surgery that only like 3 people in the world can do..

so i go after him some more.. teasing him, etc.. crowd is enjoying it..

then i realize he’s in a wheelchair..

so after i zing him on something, the crowd gives one of those “ohhh.. gotcha..” reactions, and i say “oh.. did i go to far? oh well.. what’s he gonna do? chase me?”

at which point, the crowd turns on me, booing, etc..

and i’m like “oh thanks.. my first show and i get the one guy in the world who can’t be made fun of?”

and then the guy gets really mad, pulls out a gun and kills me..

so.. in the first 5 minutes of my comedy career, i managed to completely anger and alienate the audience, get myself killed, and rob the world of a world class surgeon..

some dreams are just so realistic..