Brady’s Blog

this event happened about a block from the home of the girlfriend mentioned in my last post..

my friend david had had is new car about a week..

i think it was a nissan 240sx - like the above photo only blue..

pretty cool car..

until he let me drive it..

all i remember is the sensation of being in the car but not really in the seat..

it seemed like a really long period of time where we were just sort of floating around in the cabin of the vehicle..

a couple of golfers fresh off the 19th hole had smashed into us..

i think david’s parents must have told him not to let anyone else drive his car because as soon as we came to and figured out what had happened, he was scrambling over me to get into the drivers seat..

i think between his not wanting anyone to know who was driving and the golfers not wanting anyone to know how much they’d been drinking, it was probably the least investigated automobile accident in history..

the golfer who was driving was very quick to admit the whole thing was his fault and we were very happy to let it go at that..

i think the police probably showed up at some point but i don’t really remember..

i’m not sure i even stuck around for that - since my girlfriend’s house was so close i think i must have hidden there for a while..

the car was pretty torn up but the golfer’s insurance covered everything..

car crashes are fun sometimes..

ya know.. when nobody gets hurt..

and when it’s not my fault..

and not my car..

1988..

it was my senior year of high school..

i was dating one of the all time great psycho girlfriends..

i didn’t really think she was that crazy, but everybody else did - and looking back - everybody else was right..

which is really strange..

usually when i think one thing and everyone else thinks the exact opposite, everyone else is completely wronger than wrong..

but not that time..

weird..

funny thing is, this girl actually contacted me during my first year of college just to apologize for being a psycho girlfriend in high school..

i don’t know if she took “how to tell if you were a psycho girlfriend in high school 101″ her freshman year or what but that was certainly an interesting conversation..

anyway..

this isn’t about that..

this is about the internet.. sort of..

her dad was some kind of aerospace engineer or something and he had a computer..

back then, it was a little unusual to have a computer in your home..

it was even more unusual if you used that computer to play chess and flight simulator games with people in japan.. which he did..

i kind of don’t remember what the guy looked like because all we ever saw of him was the back of his head while he was sitting at the computer - and that was only on the rare occasion that we were allowed into the computer room..

this was before net addiction was a known illness, so he was stuck just being a weirdo..

can’t really blame him for spending so much time hiding on the computer though considering the lady of the house spent all of her time discovering new things with which to mix her vodka..

seriously.. vodka with tea.. vodka with coffee.. vodka with vodka..

yikes..

i wonder why my psycho girlfriend was so psycho..

hmm..

the software i use to write, edit, and publish this blog has a thing called drafts..

i’ve mentioned this before..

basically, it’s a way for me to jot down an idea that comes to me and then write about it later..

a lot of times, something strikes me as really funny but it’s not quite all there yet or i don’t know how to put it into words..

or sometimes i have to let it sit for a while to decide if it’s funny or not..

or it’s a topic or idea that’s clearly not funny at all and i have to let it sit for a while to squeeze a joke out of it (yes, this not-so-funny pile is where most of the material comes from - explains a lot, doesn’t it?)..

here’s some of the headlines currently hanging in the drafts queue..

“upstairs people” - harder to make fun of them now that i’ve moved upstairs and become one..

“dream” - a had a dream i had some kind of vestigial fin on my arm..

“crazy tom”

“red ear”

“el paso”

“pyro”

“walls”

there’s more but that gives you an idea..

now..

here’s the problem..

there’s one draft that just says “4.2″..

i have no idea what that means..

it certainly wasn’t going to be a story about my grade point average in high school.. or college..

i just don’t have a clue what it is..

i don’t think i typed 4.2 by accident, but it’s possible i guess..

maybe i was sleep walking and i figured out the answer to life, the universe, and everything..

but i moved the decimal..

oh well..

close enough..

i’ve already mentioned some of the ways we passed the time at skyland..

but i forgot at least one..

one of the activities i enjoyed most at skyland was writing fake foreign language messages on packages..

this really should have been listed among my many talents on a previous post but was overlooked.. possibly due to the utter stupidity of it but judging from the rest of the list, probably not..

a lot of people don’t consider doodling in fake foreign languages all that impressive..

a lot of people would be pretty much right on the money there..

it’s not impressive..

but it sure is fun..

i put together a small example in paint (uh-oh.. i can use paint.. that’s another talent!) to give you an idea what this “writing” would look like..

pretty sweet, eh?

i always imagined some cat in singapore or seattle or somewhere seeing that writing and thinking “wonder what that says?”..

or maybe a couple of the characters accidentally looked like some real character in some language and it would say something like “lightning baseball horse table” and some guy would spend 15 minutes trying to figure out why that was written on a pallet of toothpaste..

amusing?

to me it was..

and that is all that matters..

i don’t know about your state, but in arkansas, if you have an antique car you can get special license plates for it that say “antique”..

pretty cool..

i’m not sure how old a car has to be to qualify but i saw some of these tags on what appeared to be about a 1985 chevy caprice classic the other day..

if you’re trying to remember what a caprice classic looks like i can probably help..

your mom used to drive one..

and if they played a lot of bon jovi at your prom, you probably hopped into a caprice when you left the dance..

not one you’ll see at the car shows but.. i guess.. technically..

sure..

it’s an antique..

i found a great website for people struggling with internet addiction..

it’s called netaddiction.com..

i love this site..

i’m on it at least 8 hours a day..

seriously, if you have a problem with internet addiction, isn’t a website the last thing you need?

it’s kind of liking holding an AA meeting at a bar..

and if you are going to have a website for net addiction, it should just be a single page with your phone number or something.. or just a big sign that says “LOG OFF NOW”..

not a whole “spend all day online researching your internet addiction” site..

i wonder if that’s taken..

www.spendalldayonlineresearchingyourinternetaddiction.com

i like that..

short..

sweet..

kinda catchy..

this was 5 years ago or so..

we were moving our offices from one end of town to the other..

we had been loading boxes, computers, and all kinds of other stuff into pickups and moving trucks and hauling it to the new building..

we were probably 5 or 6 hours into the day - during which i had consumed nothing but about 300 starburst fruit chews and a few cokes..

i don’t know this for sure, but my guess is 3 out of 4 doctors would not recommend that diet..

in my case, it certainly wasn’t good..

we were outside finishing a truck load when out of nowhere i got hungry..

like really hungry..

like if i had been in a cartoon, i would have started to envision those around me as stripped turkeys roasted to perfection..

luckily, there was a restaurant right next door..

ok.. not a real restaurant.. but a place that sells food..

this place is one of those joints that every town has - it’s been about 12 different kinds of restaurants from mexican to thai to pizza, etc..

in my hour of need, they were there in the form of a burger place..

so i stumbled in there - barely able to walk and feeling extremely jittery and weird (i assume these symptoms describe some sort of suger imbalance)..

i didn’t so much “order” a hamburger as beg for it..

and i let them know in no uncertain terms that time happened to be of the essence..

the 4 or 5 minutes it took for them to cook that burger were about the longest minutes in my life.. i really thought i was going to have to run into the kitchen, stick my face down and eat the thing right off the grill.. like a bobbing for burgers event or something..

but i was able to hold on..

and next time i’ll know..

eat the burger first..

then eat the 300 starburst..

some scientists filed a 155 page report that states the earth is the hottest it’s been in 2,000 years..

so..

2,000 years ago, it was just as hot?

hmm..

let’s see..

what do these two time periods have in common?

wait.. i know..

people are wearing sandals again..

it’s the sandals!!

here’s me holding a big fish..

that’s from the first day of the mexico fishing trip last month..

notice i am not holding it way out in front of me in order to make it look bigger..

that’s a no-no..

for those of you who don’t know me, i should point out that i’m 7′ 6″ and weigh just over 360 pounds..

i’ve been thinking of writing a terribly profound aphorism..

you know..

change the whole world with a simple phrase..

impact the universe for eternity..

that kind of thing..

i’ve just been waiting for the right mood..

ok..

i think i’ve got one..

“There is only one way to achieve success and that is to discover your own way.”

wow..

that’s pretty good..

i was going to put a joke in there but that came out instead..

i can’t prove it’s original or anything..

but it’s pretty good..

ok..

let’s try another one..

“There are two kinds of people in the world, or maybe 3.”

there we go..

that’s more like it..