Brady’s Blog

exotic animal paradise is not too far outside of springfield, mo where i grew up..

my grandpa used to take us there sometimes..

you weren’t supposed to feed the animals at all - guess what - we fed them..

grandpa’s favorite thing to do was feed apples to the ostriches..

they would snatch whole apples out of his hand and just swallow them instantly..

actually.. they would start swallowing them instantly, then they would get the apples stuck in their throats..

so these giant birds would be running around with these big lumps in their necks - we always assumed he was trying to kill them but if so he never accomplished the task..

sure entertained us kids though..

does this stuff have a great product name or what?

are people actually buying this stuff?

i think i’d rather purchase femine products in my underwear than have to slap that stuff down on the counter..

nice marketing work there guys - why not just call it VD-Balm?

ok..

here’s a little tip..

if you’re like me, nothing gives you more pleasure than annoying people..

i, frankly, live for it..

sometimes i spend hours thinking of ways to get under people’s skin..

but sometimes the easiest way is the best way..

try this one..

walk in to your targets office or other personal space..

without saying a word or hinting at your intention, begin to hand him things..

not things that you’ve brought with you.. things already in the room..

start with a stapler or notepad from the desk - just politely hand it to him as though he requested it..

next.. something stranger.. like a photograph..

at this point.. you’ll probably get a strange look or something.. feel free to make small talk here in order to distract..

now start going for the big stuff.. pick up a plant or something and see if your victim will take it.. you’ll be amazed how many items the person will simply accept from you because they’re being offered..

if you’re lucky, you’ll get to try something crazy like a monitor or a chair before the scene breaks..

anyway..

that’s my handy tip for the day..

enjoy..

if you hang around cracker very long, you become accustomed to the “running joke”..

by definition, this is a one-liner that at some point had meaning in some other context that is used to remind the participants involved with that original humorous situation of just how funny cracker was at the time, while at the same time making some giant leap of logic to force that particular phrase or comment into service again..

usually, this is done out of an utter lack of original thought on the part of cracker, combined with his usual desperation to entertain at all cost..

in other words, these jokes aren’t really that funny, and in fact are not jokes at all..

they are merely the regurgitation of some mildly humorous, pithy or catchy phrase employed by cracker in a rare and long-past fit of improvisation..

there’s almost always a running joke for any given situation..

for instance, if a conversation regarding movies or film-making lasts very long at all, you will undoubtedly hear this –

cracker: “so was it better than shawshank?”

here’s the explanation behind this one..

if you check out imdb’s list of the 250 all time greatest movies, you’ll find our friend shawshank listed at number 2..

a couple of years ago, an office discussion broke out surrounding this and there was much heated debate..

a few people in the office were of the opinion that shawshank fit right in at the number 2 position and were surprised to hear argumentation to the contrary..

now i’ve got nothing against shawshank.. at all.. it’s a fine film..

and all of this is subjective, of course.. it’s a matter of taste..

but this, in particular, is a matter of taste ranked.. from 1 to 250..

and to even think for a moment shawshank redemption is the number 2 film of all time is just ludicrous..

allow me to prove the point..

i have not looked at that list in at least 18 months..

i will now browse the list and find for you a film from below the 100 mark that is unarguably better than shawshank..

ready?

ok.. here we go..

looking.. looking..

ok.. here’s one..

way down at 163..

a little picture called “Gone with the Wind”..

you might have heard of that one..

or how about 158 - the grapes of wrath..
or 115 - return of the jedi
or 130 - the deer hunter
scarface is way down at 223 - that was probably better than shawshank.. at least as good..

heck, 132, the green mile, is practically the same movie written by the same man and it’s not any worse than shawshank..

the point is this,

shawshank is a fine film - probably even a great film..

it has no business being anywhere near number 2 on the all time list..

you could argue for top 20 or 25.. anything higher than that is a real stretch..

so anyway..

that’s the background on that particular “running joke”..

ya know..

just in case it comes up..

i have the world’s worst signature..

it used to at least be consistently terrible..

now it’s degraded into an absolutely random scribble..

sometimes as many as 5 or 6 up and downs.. sometimes just 2 or 3..

so let’s see..

i have a terrible signature, over-developed sarcasm glands, and i’m about 40% as smart as i think i am..

and i went to college for ten years..*

i think i must be a doctor..

* this joke is stolen - lifted from one of the greatest movies of all time, Tommy Boy..

hey media..

do me a flavor, would ya please?

stop front-paging it every time something comes along that makes muslim people mad..

they’re angry.. we get it.. they’re always angry.. they’ve always been angry..

why not try this..

send up a flare when the entire muslim world isn’t outraged about blah blah blah..

that will be news..

some of the items on the long list of “dumb acts performed by cracker” are in the past..

and, unfortunately, some are in the future..

one of these events will take place tomorrow at 0530 hours when i step out the front door and go running..

this is something that hasn’t happened in some time..

my standard joke on the subject of running has been “i’ll run when i’m being chased with an axe - and even then i’m probably going to give up after a couple of blocks..”

but tomorrow.. all that changes..

for tomorrow we run..

my buddy kevin from down the street and i are going to run twice around the neighborhood - a distance of right around a mile..

and then..

who knows..

the day after that..

i might just go running again..

if i’m out of the hospital in time..

not long ago, we lost a client..

no.. we didn’t misplace him.. he died..

he died not long before homer’s wedding..

homer saw him shortly before he died and he told homer to expect the delivery of his wedding present soon after the honeymoon.. but he wouldn’t say what it was..

so.. client dies..

homer weds..

honeymoons..

and returns home..

a few days later, the gift arrives..

and it’s steak..

now.. i know what you’re thinking..

the guy had himself butchered and packaged and then homer ate him..

huh?

that’s not what you were thinking?

hmm..

ok..

never mind..

stew and i picked up homer’s old xbox over the holidays..

we only have a few games - nascar ‘06, a star wars game, a namco set which includes galaga, pacman, etc., and a game called chicken little..

if this chicken little game had been around, it would not have been necessary to invent chinese water torture..

we played it quite a bit when we first got it - and then we got stuck.. and i mean stuck stuck..

i must have played the same level about 30 times trying to get past this one point - we finally gave up..

we left it alone for a month or so.. i got it back out tonight to try to get past that level.. and i did..

and i thought we made it far enough past that point that when we saved the game we would be able to start from that place next time..

not so.. (stew tried to tell me this but i wouldn’t listen..)

so.. i jumped in again to try to get us to the next level..

problem was, by this time, the game was making me sick to my stomach - this is due primarily to the goofy way the view swings around in some of these xbox games, and secondarily to the fact that i’m still taking heavy doses of antibiotics to fight the diverticulitis battle still raging in my guts..

stew: “daddy, are you ever gonna get past this part?”

daddy: “well son.. i’m trying..”

stew: “well.. ok -jump! oh man, why did you do that?”

daddy: “i didn’t mean to.. this game is kinda hard stew..”

stew: “i know.. i know..”

daddy: “and it’s making me sick, too..”

stew: “huh?”

daddy: “this game.. is making me sick to my stomach..”

stew: (bringing me a trashcan) “here ya go daddy..”

daddy: “thanks stew.. thanks a lot..”

bundling the kids up for snow play reminded me of something mom used to do for/to us..

to keep our feet warm and dry when we played in the snow, she would wrap our feet in plastic bread bags..

so..

our feet would get really hot and sweat inside the bag..

and then that sweat would freeze..

worked like a charm..