Brady’s Blog

here’s something i like to do..

my jeep is a 5 speed..

it has a safety starter on it that will only allow the engine to fire if the clutch is pushed down..

but.. this also works the other way around.. the circuit completes if the key is engaged and then the clutch is pushed in..

so i like to turn the key, hold it, and then use the clutch to start the engine..

i think when the kids get old enough to drive, i’ll use the jeep to teach them, and i’ll tell them that’s how you start a car.. you turn the key, hold it, and push in the clutch..

then they’ll get in some other car and it’ll start as soon as they turn the key and scare them to death..

yep.. i think that’s what i’ll do..

unless something meaner comes to mind..

i could give them all their driving lessons in england..

that would be pretty good too..

well.. let’s see..

i need to tell another restaurant story i guess.. haven’t rung that bell in a while..

hopefully, i can tell this one without incriminating myself too much.. i often joke about statute of limitations, etc - could actually come in to play here..

when we first opened this particular restaurant, there was a peculiar liquor law in effect..

basically, you could only serve alcohol to members of the establishment.. you had to charge for that membership and could not reimburse the cost of said membership with food or any kind of merchandise - and.. since we had no way of keeping track of who was drinking and who wasn’t, (we didn’t have a member’s only side of the restaurant) every single person who entered the place had to have a membership - people had to pay $5 a year to eat or drink there.. that was the law..

we kept a big member sign in book at the front and as people came in we asked them to sign in..

this was no big deal to locals - they knew the deal because it was the same at most of the places in town - everyone knew to just sign the membership book at the front with whatever name you wanted and walk on in.. we had no system to, nor did we care to check every person for an actual membership..

of course people from out of town had no way to know this.. so they would get pretty hot when we told them they had to pay us 5 bucks for the privilege of entering the place..

so here’s how the transaction would take place when one of these poor souls would roll into town on a football game day and decided to visit our fine establishment..

at the door, the hostess would ask them to sign in - they would say “huh?” and the hostess would explain 85 paragraphs of idiotic red tape liquor law in about 4 seconds..

there would then follow much bellowing, growling, and sometimes cursing - usually in such a thick drawl of alabamese or georgian it was difficult to make out..

then, when hunger overcame anger, they would give up and the hostess would send them to their table with some menus and one little green membership card to be filled out and paid for at the end of the meal..

now.. here’s the interesting thing about these membership cards..

they were $5 a piece, and for each card you turned in, you had to turn in 5 dollars..

funny thing though.. they never knew how many cards you collected.. or how many memberships you sold..

so.. it made it pretty easy to snake the cards into one’s apron, collect the 5 bucks, and go on with one’s life..

now.. as earl would say.. this is something i’m no longer proud of.. and i wouldn’t do things the same way today if given the opportunity.. but at the time.. this was a flat out money mill..

one day i cleaned out the glove box of the prelude and found about 60 of those cards in there.. all filled out and legal.. but never turned in..

this all must have been around the time that cha-ching commercial came out because that was the sound we would make when a new “member” was seated in our station..

that’s also how you knew if someone on the wait staff knew about the scam or not..

when you saw a membership card, you’d say cha-ching and watch their reaction..

of course, as happens with most unethical, illegal, immoral things, this one was stolen from us - this time by some dork who decided to blow the lid off the thing just so he could get promoted to manager..

he took the issue to the general manager and they decided from then on each server would be issued a certain number of cards each night and they had to return either that number of cards or the monetary equivalent at the end of the shift..

such is life, i guess..

if you’ve seen the above mentioned “my name is earl” tv show, you know that to get my karma back in line, i now have to travel all over the south east returning 5 dollar bills to red-necks..

i think when i start my karma list, i’ll put that one close to the bottom..

when i was in the fourth grade, they gave us some kind of test..

unfortunately, something in my test results got me labeled as “gifted”.. (i’m sure i squeaked into this category by a quarter point on a blind guess)

this meant i was eligible for a gifted student program called “w.i.n.g.s.”..

i’ll prove to you just how gifted i am by saying i can’t remember what in the world “wings” stood for - blah blah something gifted students..

so what this afforded cracker was a chance to go from being one of the smartest in a group of dumb kids to the absolute dumbest in a group of smart kids..

what a privilege..

anyway, one day a week, all the wings students from all the schools would meet at one school and do “gifted” things..

one of the things we learned to do was type (i had a head start on this because my handwriting was so bad my regular teacher had already refused to accept any hand-written homework from me - but i went from hunt-and-peck to real typing that year.. that was nice..)

most of the other things we did were either terribly frustrating, totally boring, or simply exercises in strict competition to see who could be the most ridiculous geek in some hyper-specific area of study..

examples of each:

mind crushing riddles, puzzles, algorithm studies, etc.. (frustrating)
we learned to take notes on 3×5 cards and make outlines for writing speeches and papers.. (boring)
mock stock market (competition)

i can remember one of the kids getting so angry when the bubble burst in the imaginary energy sector that he threw a pencil across the room.. i was pretty sure at that point i wasn’t going to fit in..

the worst moment for me, however, came when it was my turn to read out loud from a paper i had written..

it was a paper about politics.. i remember that.. but i didn’t have any idea how to pronounce the word politics, having only read it in print while doing the research for this paper..

so.. i started reading my paper, and somewhere in the first sentence i spoke the word politics - but pronounced it pol-it-ics.. with emphasis on the middle syllable..

you would have thought i had stripped down to a diaper and stuck crayons up my nose by the way everyone laughed.. it took me quite a while to figure out why they were laughing.. once the teacher got everyone calmed down, he corrected my pronunciation and i went on with the reading..

i remember at the time thinking “man.. these kids are a lot smarter than me..” and at the same time having no sense of jealousy or want of that at all..
it wasn’t that i pitied them or anything like that, but i recall the distinct feeling of being older than them..

when they were laughing at me, i looked around at them, and it was as if i was surrounded by a crowd of toddlers.. laughing just to laugh.. none of them having any idea that it was wrong or bad to laugh at someone like that.. there was no snickering.. or nervous laughter.. it was just laughter..

(for those of you who know me, this is probably the birthplace of the superiority complex that is still present today)

anyway, i’m sure i’m only remembering the bad parts of my time in wings.. i’m sure there were plenty of good parts too..

at least i learned to type..

every friday since around this time, stew and i have a conversation like this..

daddy: “come on stew, load up.. it’s time to go..”

stew: “are you taking me to school?”

daddy: “yep.. it’s friday..”

stew: “cool..”

and then, with hope he asks..

“is haley sick?”

i grew up hating steak..

we had steak once in a while and i just couldn’t stand it..

then one day.. 6th or 7th grade.. my friend asks me over for dinner..

jerry: “hey cracker.. you wanna stay and eat?”

cracker: “sure.. well.. what’re ya havin?”

jerry: “steak i think..”

cracker: “oh.. um.. ok.. yeah.. i think i better go home for dinner..”

jerry: “what, you don’t like steak?

cracker: “not really.. do you?”

jerry: “uh.. yeah.. never heard of someone not liking steak.. maybe you should try some of my mom’s steak.. it’s really good..”

cracker: “ok.. i’ll try it..”

best thing i ever tasted.. i don’t remember for sure what cut it was or anything.. i think it was a t-bone.. grilled.. fine food indeed..

which prompted this conversation..

cracker: “um.. mom?”

mom: “yes cracker?”

cracker: “um.. i had some steak at jerry’s the other nite.. and it was really good.. i mean.. yours is good too.. this was just kinda.. i dunno.. different..”

mom: “hmm.. well.. that could be because what i’ve been telling you was steak.. was actually liver..”

cracker: “oh.. well.. that would explain it.. thanks a lot.. anything else i need to know?”

mom: “you know about santa clause right?”

cracker: “very funny.”

this should really be on stew’s blog since he noticed it first..

but if you can’t steal material from your 6 year old son, who can you steal material from?

anyway.. here’s the deal..

if you have a place called “waffle house” and you have a big sign out front, you might want to make sure the “W” doesn’t go out..

just sayin’..

ok.. where were we on the car thing..

oh yeah.. prelude..

let’s see.. after the prelude came the mitsubishi galant.. black, 4 door, 6 cylinder..

i bought this car new.. in ‘95..

can that be right? i think that’s right.. but that means i’ve only had two cars in ten years..

also means i’ve only had 5 cars in my whole life.. seems odd.. seems like there should be more cars than that under the belt of a man my age..

i remember dad went with me to shop for this car and to negotiate the price..

i’m sure he was proud of me..
when we got to the point in the negotiation where we were a few hundred dollars off, it became obvious it was time for me to walk out in order to put the pressure on the salesman.. that’s when i locked up, stared at the guy for about a minute and then said “uh.. ok.. i’ll take it”..

if you’ve read the posts about my other cars.. you know each of them was reduced to a fraction of their initial worth by the time cracker finished with them.. this one enjoyed no different fate..

other than being filthy dirty all the time, it wasn’t in terrible condition until i sailed off the freeway going 60 in the snow.. that pretty much did it.. time to sell..

i took the insurance money and what was left of the car and put it toward my current vehicle.. the jeep..

we’ll cover the jeep next time..

that’s it for today, class..

be sure to read chapters 8, 9, and 10 of “how to turn valuable vehicles into so much rusted metal” before next class period..

looks like lemieux is retiring again..

i don’t care, of course..

they could announce the simultaneous retirement of every player in the nhl tonight and i wouldn’t waste the energy it would take to shrug and say “oh well”..

i just couldn’t care less..

i would like to say this, however..

i’m sick of people retiring, un-retiring, and retiring again..

i think if you retire, and then decide you want to make a comeback, they should cut off your thumbs.. that would make it more interesting..

i don’t want to watch some has-been hockey player staggering around the ice.. but if he was forced to stagger around the ice and handle a hockey stick with no thumbs.. now that might be fun to watch..

same would go for basketball and baseball and everyone else, of course..

announcers, too.. like keith jackson..

that guy retired, they gave him a motorcycle, had a big ceremony.. and by practically the next day he’s on tv like nothing ever happened..

if he knew he was going to have to handle that microphone with 8 fingers, he might think twice about pulling that crap..

i’m not saying it’s a perfect plan, but it’s better than the current system..

maybe we just try it out for a year like they did with instant replay..

those of you who know me know i’m exactly the type who would run for school council..

7th grade.. jarret junior high.. springfield, mo..

they were having student council elections..

i had no idea what student council was or why i wanted to be on it but i did..

so there were debates.. campaigns, posters, etc..

i put up one single poster - full size - white poster with nothing on it but 4 letters stenciled dead center in black

DOTY (for those of you who only know me as cracker, that’s my last name.. doty.. cracker doty)

anyway, i won.. got elected to something..

i’m pretty sure the world is a much better place because of it..

body parts that is..

here’s some parts of the human body as identified by the kids in our family..

dinger = finger

knee-pit = back of the knee (makes sense, huh? - i think gage came up with this one..)

inospine = either somewhere near the crotch or in between the eyes (as in “i’ll punch you in the inospine” - no idea where they got this..)

parts/privates/private parts = 3 ways to say it.. all sound bad coming from a 4 year old..

guts/aka “paybacks” = tummy region (as in “i’ll kick you in the paybacks”..)

now that i think about it, most of these words are developed as the kids try to discover new things to punch and kick and pinch..

it’s like they say..

violence is the mother of invention..