Brady’s Blog

ah.. new years..

that blessed holiday that is based on something about as important as your odometer hitting 88,888 miles..

but that’s what we do.. us humans.. we have to clock everything.. mark time..

for some reason, that matters to us..

if you’re in a dungeon, you make marks on the wall to count the days as best you can.. so you know..

not that it changes anything.. you’re still in the dungeon.. it’s not going to smell any different or be any more comfortable as a result of some marks on the wall..

and, as u2 said 20 years ago, “nothing changes on new years day”

they also said “if you walk away walk away ah walk away walk away i will follow”

so..

you know..

grain of salt and all that..

well..

after bragging on myself for being so consistent, i failed to write last night..

i had the underwear model from the previous post sitting in my lap when he started puking everywhere..

by the time i got him taken care of, i just forgot..

i don’t know about you, but i just love vomit.. vomit is great..

especially little kid vomit..

little kid vomit is awesome.. i think i’m gonna setup a kiosk at the mall and sell little kid vomit..

i’ll have little kid vomit decorative jars and candles made from dried little kid vomit mixed with wax..

i bet i can come up with some reason little kid vomit is good for you and then i can sell little kid vomit hand soap and body rinse and shampoo..

of course, i’ll have to charge ridiculously high prices for this stuff..

at $2 a bottle, people would just go “yuck, little kid vomit”..

at $80 an ounce, they’ll be like “wow.. i gotta have some of that new little kid vomit stuff”..

and then i can be on “dirty jobs” with mike rowe - he can come to my little kid vomit farm and help me feed stale cookies and moldy fudge to the little kids to make them puke and then we’ll go around with buckets and harvest the stuff..

and i can have tours of the factory, where schools can bring their kids in on field trips, and as soon as they see what’s going on, they’ll start puking, and i’ll have that much more puke to sell..

i’ll need a name for this store..

let’s see..

how about..

“What Comes UP!”

every day for the past few months, i have endeavored to write in this space something which at least makes an attempt at being funny..

obviously, i haven’t always nailed it.. i’ve missed the mark a time or two (or 30)..

but.. hey.. i’ve been doing it.. and that’s what i set out to do..

except for one day when we were camping and another time or two when i just completely forgot, i have written something..

i don’t know how long i’ll be able to keep it up.. and i have no idea if i’ll get funnier with practice or less funny as i run out of material (to which you say “material? there’s material here?”)

at any rate, i’m going to keep trying..

but not tonight..

tonight i’m taking the night off..

because when you have a kid who wears 3 pairs of underwear this well, you should be able to get some yucks without writing a thing..

enjoy.. (click on pic for larger version)

it struck me today as i was working..

i’m pretty sure what i do is important..

i mean if people can’t use their computers and can’t get to the network (and of course the internet) they’re just completely worthless.. no work at all can take place outside those conditions.. the world just stops..

but.. the question is.. what is it these people are doing anyway?

what is so important that they spend all day running from place to place or walking from desk to desk handing each other things and talking about things and having meetings and sending messages and blah blah blah..

it all seems so silly..

for instance, a bank..

ok.. people bring you money and put it in the bank.. or they want to borrow some money.. that’s pretty much it - why does it take 400 people 40 hours a week to do that?

and that’s with the assistance of 10 times more computing power than it took to visit the moon..

of course, that’s another one..

what in the world was the point of that whole thing?

if i’m not mistaken, that was kind of a complicated endeavor - what with the whole “space travel” thing and the whole “people can’t fly or live without oxygen” obstacles..

and for what? some cool footage for coke and at&t commercials?

now air travel i can see.. that’s something that makes sense.. people are in one place and want to be in another.. fastest way is to fly..

of course, every time you fly somewhere.. someone from there is flying to where you just were - tell you anything?

tells me you could save some time and money by learning to appreciate your current location a little more - if it’s good enough for that other person, why shouldn’t it be good enough for you?

same goes with the shipping industry - you know every time you ship something, there’s probably some joker out there shipping something very similar from somewhere close to that destination to somewhere very close to you.. if everyone would just keep the stuff they have and use it for themselves, we could save billions..

now i’m not trying to bring down the whole system here..

but..

if you think about it..

aren’t you all just sort of wasting your time?

(cigar makers, bacon producers, almond growers, and the fine people at guinness please disregard)

when i first told greg jones about this blog, he specifically asked me not to write about how much he used to sweat..

that was months ago.. surely he’s stopped reading this by now..

greg was the sweatiest kid ever..

when we played basketball, he was unstoppable - guarding him was like guarding a giant wet sponge - you were just continually soaking wet from the spray..

one time.. i think it was junior high.. he put a sweat-soaked shirt in his locker - it literally stood in the locker for months before someone finally complained to the cdc in atlanta and they had it removed..

most people, when engaged in athletic activity, will develop sweat rings on their clothes.. you know.. under the arms.. starting and coming down from the belt line..

this kid had dry rings.. these were the few square inches of his clothes that were standing on the beach when the tsunami came and somehow made it to high ground in time to stay dry..

anyway..

sweaty dude.. is.. basically what i’m saying..

customer: “cracker, i’d like to hook up two computers here at my desk, my old one and this new one.. so.. i need a splitter..”

cracker: “well, what you need is a switch.. it basically acts as a splitter for the network connection.. but it’s called a switch..”

customer: “so.. if i go to best buy, i can just tell them i need a splitter?”

cracker: “well.. you can tell them that, but they won’t have a clue what you’re talking about.. if you just say you want a five port switch, they’ll hand you a five port switch and you’ll be all set..”

customer: “but it’s really a splitter.. so if i just tell them i want to put two computers at my desk with a splitter, then they’ll know–”

cracker: (grabbing a sheet of paper from the nearest printer) “do you have a pen?”

customer: “yeah.. why?”

cracker: “take this paper and write this word on it.. ready?”

customer: “ok..”

cracker: “switch.. s. w. i. t. c. h.”

customer: “ok..”

cracker: “now.. take that piece of paper with you to best buy and hold it up to someone wearing blue and yellow clothes.. when that person asks you a question, answer by saying ‘five’.. that should get you a five port switch..”

customer: “ok..”

24 hours later… cracker’s phone rings

cracker: “this is cracker..”

customer: “hey cracker, this is customer.. um.. yeah.. i went to best buy.. and um..”

cracker: “did you take that piece of paper with you?”

customer: “well.. no.. i forgot it.. but i told them what i wanted to do.. and um..”

cracker: “was the word switch mentioned at any point?”

customer: “well.. i don’t think so.. but they gave me this um.. let’s see.. it’s a.. um.. here it is.. a router.. is that what i need?”

cracker: “well.. let’s see.. have a look at that piece of paper and see if it says router anywhere on it.. because.. i think it says switch or something instead..”

customer: “well.. yeah.. i forgot the paper.. i’ll go take this back and get a switch..”

cracker: “that would be good.. if that doesn’t work, ask them for a splitter..”

customer: “huh?”

cracker: “nothing..”

the good thing about ralphie (that’s what we call this movie - it’s just ralphie.. like “let’s watch ralphie”) is everyone has seen it so many times it just becomes wallpaper..

so you can have it on and not really have to watch it..

at the same time, it stimulates conversation for everyone because it brings back all kinds of different christmas memories and traditions..

a couple of the things that came up this weekend were..

sleeping/riding in the back window of the car - this is pretty much unique to my generation since we were lucky enough to grow up in a special time when cars had back windows and nobody really cared if we lived or died.. just try to pass this tradition on to a child today - they’ll lock you up quicker than you can say fuuuuudge..

santa tracking on the news - this is where the weatherman shows a graphic following santa from town to town and country to country - the one time each year when the weatherman actually gets it right..

present opening method - there seem to be two basic ways to do this - either you had a ’santa’ that handed out presents and everything went pretty orderly or everyone just dove in and went at it like crazy.. most families seem to be moving toward the latter which is a sign that growing up in the back window of a car tends to make parents crave organization and order..

merry christmas to everyone and may the next year bring everyone joy and prosperity in abundance..

and to all a major award

here’s a list of the dirty words my kids have heard this year while watching so-called “christmas” specials..

please do not read any further if you have a weak stomach or are easily offended.. this is not for the young or the faint of heart to hear..

i’m waiting.. just to make sure you’re ready for this..

ok..

you asked for it..

1. the S word
2. the D word
3. the H word
4. the SH word
5. the I word
6. the F word

that’s right..

stupid, dumb, hate, shut up, idiot, and fart..

there, i said them..

no i have to go wash my hands out with soap..

so..
it’s 2 days before christmas..
i’m waiting outside sam’s club - mom is meeting me there to look at a gift for dad..
outside, they have this playset setup with a couple of swings..

so..

i sit down in one of the swings and start swinging..

i must have looked a bit strange swinging in a kiddy swing outside of sam’s because about every 3rd person walking by insisted on making a comment..

not that i blame them - at 6′ 1″/240 and sporting a big ugly red goatee i probably looked like a character from lord of the rings training for the circus..

eventually, it did get kind of old..

person 50 or so: “having fun?”
cracker: “yeah..”
person 55 : “now that’s what i call smelling the roses..”
cracker: “actually, i think it’s called swinging..”
person 59: “nice day for playing, huh?”
cracker: (fed up) “leave me alone, i’m not talking to you! i’m just waiting for my mommy!!”

teach people to mess with me..

about a month ago i setup an aol account..

why, you ask?

well.. so i could cancel it, of course..

that’s the only reason i can think of anyone would sign up for aol..

below is a recording of the cancellation phone call..

i went ahead and posted the entire thing - mostly because i’m too lazy to edit it..

the good parts are around minute 6 to minute 8 or so and then again around 10 minutes in when dude tries to get tricky..

it’s kind of hard to hear me because i forgot i was recording the call and pretty much mumbled through the whole thing.. but.. you’ll get the gist of it i think..

LISTEN HERE