Brady’s Blog

i have a problem..
i have a hard time faking things..

i’m a decent actor - my first trip (of many) to college was on a theatre scholarship and i did a couple shows at professional theatres (this is how you spell theater when you’re british or just a theatre snob) while i was in school..
but now..since i’m not getting paid to act.. i don’t..

i just kinda..re-act..
if i’m offended or surprised or disgusted - you’ll pretty much know it..
[this rule does not apply when playing poker - goes back to getting paid to act]

i’m not going to pretend your joke was really funny if it wasn’t..i’m not going to pretend i think you’re clever when i don’t..i’m not trying to be mean in this regard..i just have kinda grown accustomed to being myself - and though i’m not entirely impressed with that person - it’s the only person i’m prepared to be..

homer, on the other hand, has the best fake laugh you’ve ever heard..
it’s perfect..not too much..not too little..not a big har-har that you could see right through..and not a snicker..

it goes kinda like this:
“tuh-huh”
real quick..
like it just happened to him..like a burp.. uncontrollable..but controlled..like what you said was really really funny and if he wasn’t so reserved he’d be rolling in the floor..

the great thing is, when he’s on the phone..you can hear these coming..
it builds..like this:

homer: “…yeah.. we just need to come out there and take a look at it..i’m sure we can get it working..i’m just not that familiar with that software..well..yeah..that’s true..” [here it comes]
“tuh-huh..yeah.. you’re right..tuh-huh..i’m the guru..tuh-huh”

i like to listen to him on the phone and try to tuh-huh at the same time he’s tuh-huhing..
he really enjoys that a lot..

there are basically 3 skills you look for in a drummer..
can the drummer:

1. keep time
2. show up on time
3. stay sober for a time

there are about 3 drummers in the world that can do all 3 of these things..
most are really good at exactly 2..

so.. the really good playing drummers are either late or perfectly on time and unable to sit up..

and the drummers who sound like a vw bus with a cracked water pump show up early with a smile on their face drinkin diet 7up..

that’s just the way it is..
the rest of us have come to accept it..
and really..i’m sure it isn’t that way for other musicians..
i’m a guitar player and i know it’s not that way for us..
gotta go now..rehearsal starts in an hour and i gotta stop and get some diet dr pepper on the way there..

last night (sunday) i watched the cowboys game from saturday night..

i hardly ever watch football live anymore if i can help it - it’s just too perfect for tivo..at the end of each play, you just hit the 30-seconds forward button and boom - they’re lined up and ready for the next play..i watched every single play from saturday’s game (even replayed quite a few plays) and it took less than 40 minutes..

i kinda miss being involved in the ‘have you seen that one commercial’ conversations…and i do stop for the ‘2 guys at sonic’ ads - love those..if they released those on dvd i’d buy the extended edition and have a watch party..but man..i just love having the power to skip stuff - it makes you feel like you’re a magical time traveller..

now..if they could invent a similar device for use on female storytellers..
it would work like this..

female starts to tell story: “oh.. get THIS..i was at the mall today and i saw this girl that i knew i knew from somewhere - she saw me too and i thought she smiled like she knew me - but not like she knew me from a long time ago, ya know..like she knew me from everyday life..but i just couldn’t think of where i knew her from….”

after 6 or 7 minutes, you start bumping the fast forward-
“…and then she says..”
“…and i’m thinkin’ really?..”
“…so i gave her the recipe…”
“…kinda like a sage color…”
“so anyway it turns out she dated my old roommate’s brother..that’s where i knew her from..pretty funny..hey..what’s that remote control thingy you have there?”

if you’re around parents of young children for more than a few minutes, you’ll likely hear some phrase comparing their children to members of the animal kingdom..
something like:
“man..that billy is a wild one - like a bull in a china closet”
“that sarah is quite the monkey on the jungle gym”

i usually just sum it up by referring to the whole thing as a zoo..
because that’s really what it’s like..it’s like running a zoo..
there are animals in your house that you have to feed, clean, and shelter..
if you don’t keep them separated, they’ll kill each other..
and if one of them gets loose and starts attacking citizens - you’re responsible:

animal control: “uh..mr. cracker, how you doin this evenin..yeah.. um…we got a call about a redheaded white-tooth cereal muncher loose out around the bypass..looks like it’s one of yours - yeah..ok..we can do that but we’ll have to wait for the chopper - that’s the only way to get close enough with the tranquilizer gun..”

and like every zoo there are exhibits..as soon as a child learns to do some new trick (usually after months of flipping treats into its mouth) you call people from miles around and setup video cameras and boom mics and studio lighting:

“ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to see has never been publicly performed by a domesticated round-faced couch-jumper - this fine specimen has been highly trained at a cost to this fine facility of over 60,000 gummy worms..and now..i will give the command..little jimmy…do a SOMERSAULT!!”

and of course, the most famous of all zoo attractions are the monkeys..because they throw poop everywhere..
now the monkeys at our zoo have never done this - but we did have an incident of a 2 and half year old peeing on a 6 week old..

the 6 week old was on the bed - unfortunately not yet old enough to roll over or take any other urine-evading course of action..the 2 year old was standing over him peeing on him - and..let’s just say..he really needed to go..
now you may think that’s bad behavior..and i would have to agree..but try to argue with the logic of this:

mommy: “stewart, why in the world were you peeing on your baby brother? - that is terrible..”
stew: “but mommy..nobody told me not to do that..”

and that is why we have edited all the bibles in our house to include an eleventh commandment:
“thou shalt not pee on thy brother’s head”

gotta go now..the other zookeeper is trying to settle the lions and it sounds like she’s in trouble..

well..
homer is getting married tonight..
i’m in the wedding..so we did the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner thing last nite - good times..
i had to dash out during the toasts to help a customer who had jacked up his firewall (that’ll cost em) so homer lucked out on that deal..
i had a good toast all planned out about how it was great that the bride could love him even though he had done time in a turkish prison and was wanted in most states that begin with the letters A, M, or I..oh well..

looks like he’s going ahead with the whole honeymoon thing..that leaves cracker here to do all the work for two weeks while he sunbathes..
i had told him honeymoons were a strictly middle-eastern tradition but i guess with the internet and everything it was a matter of time before he found out..

i have a plan to make myself the funniest comedian in the world..
i’m going to give everyone implants that make it possible for them to hear me any time they are sitting in church..and only then..

and the implants will have a way to signal me any time the service gets really quiet - like during a prayer or when someone is giving a tearful testimony..

and at that moment..i’ll broadcast a message that says something like:

“underwear”

and everyone will laugh uncontrollably..
this is gonna be sweet..
hard to build a sitcom around that but we’ll leave that to the ‘hollywood’ types..

i’ve always said that i could easily live my life eating nothing but bacon and almonds..
but someone raised the question:

“if you had to choose, cracker - if you had to only have bacon or only have almonds for the rest of your life, which would you choose?”

i think i’ll go with bacon..

sometimes us geek types assume things..
we assume everyone knows what we know..
like..

what a vcd is..
what download means..
what a browser is..
what a blog is..
that the dallas cowboys really are ordained by God to be america’s team..
things like that..

so, in the interest of non-assumption..i’d like to introduce you to a website..

IMDB

this is where you go when you’re watching something on tv and fall into one of these conversations:

you: “isn’t that the guy from that one show with the dude from that movie”

friend: “no, this guy was in that movie with the dude from that other show with the chick from star trek”

you: “uh..i think you mean star wars - and..um.. i don’t think that was a chick”

they also have a lot of movie quotes, news, reviews, and you can of course lookup showtimes for your local theater..

i use it at least once or twice a day for something..
there’s tons of other life-changingly important sites that i use..
i assume you know about those..

it’s that time of year again..
time to be drawn to the tube like bugs to a bug zapper..

there will be sandwiches and chili and meatballs and nachos and tacos and mastaccioli and cheese dip and brownies and the occasional pie..and pizza and pretzels and almonds and that weird broccoli salad stuff that somehow actually makes broccoli taste ok..and pickles and grilled cheeses and quesadillas and sometimes steak..

man i do love football..

this weekend a friend who is a junior high teacher told me the kids on the school bus are doing all kinds of nasty things with and to each other on the bus and capturing it all with videophones..

disgusting..

this kind of thing NEVER happened when i rode the bus..
we didn’t even have videophones..